Since my last post things have been rough. I’ve been feeling hopeless again. I’ve been questioning whether I’ll ever been able to get through this. As much as I am trying to stay in the present and not think about the future, I can’t help to think about what’s not.
That leads me to this article that was shared by Lori Lavender Lutz, an adoptive mom who is one of the many amazing people I’ve connected with through the Internet in the last few months. I can’t say enough nice things about her and the impact her book has had on me and my views on Open Adoption. The article she shared was written by a woman who went through infertility and dealt with losing a baby. The premise of the article is that after her loss the woman felt hopeless and felt that surviving felt impossible. At the end of the article there is a happy ending that the woman was eventually able to give birth to twins. So there was a happy ending (sort of because the pain will always be there). But to get there she went through so much to get there. The part of the article I was able to relate to was this:
Loss and grief and infertility are like that.
They trick you into thinking that you are not entitled to be a part of the living world—the place where life moves forward and new joys are unveiled. Loss and grief and infertility make you think that you will never, ever be happy again. They tell you that you have been forgotten. Left behind. They make you wonder what purpose there is in being alive at all.
But you trudge ahead, regardless, because you don’t know what else to do, until one day, without a blaze of trumpets, or a ticker tape parade, a tiny voice deep within your heart whispers the words you never thought you would hear—I survived.
While I haven’t had any suicidal thoughts I have lost the motivation to excel in my life. This is something that I’ve never experienced. I’ve always had goals in my life that I worked towards be it school related, work related or relationship related. At this point in my life the only thing I set out to do was become a parent. Now that may not happen and I’m scared that I have nothing to be motivated to work for. I hope that I can have that happy ending that this woman had. It’s just hard to picture it happening right now.