It’s been almost one week since I decided to let go of my dream of becoming someone’s dad. Instead of becoming liberated I’ve felt sad and bitter. Though these feelings have not been taken out on my wife which is a change from the way things have been the last 7 months. I think it’s because I understand how much she is hurting from this. She feels guilt that she is holding us back from becoming parents when in fact it’s my body. Maybe one day if she expressed a desire to adopt I would be open to discussing it but for now I’m keeping the door closed.
In addition to putting my wife first closing the door on the pursuit of parenthood will help protect myself. When we started to try to have kids, I had my hopes up that she would get pregnant. That didn’t happen. When donor conception was an option, I got my hopes up for that. Other circumstances took that option off the table. When I started to get comfortable with adoption, I got my hopes up. Now with that likely (in the near future) to not even be pursued my hopes got put down again. I don’t want to get my hopes up again only to have my heart broken.
Instead I want to distance myself from situations with children. I don’t plan on getting involved with some sort of volunteer work for children as its just to much of a reminder of what isn’t. I know some may think I am being selfish but I don’t really care. Being infertile does not make me obligated to save or help the world’s children. The reason I am sterile isn’t because it is in “god’s plan” that I am now supposed to help children another way. No if he had a plan for me it is that I am supposed to be miserable and selfish the rest of my life not caring about anything that doesn’t serve my own self interest. If that makes me sound like an angry, bitter, infertile, so be it. Because that is what I’ve become. Whether that changes, who knows. But until I am given a reason to think otherwise that is what I will be.