My Fears of Pursuing Adoption

In the last week, I’ve gotten into some heated arguments with many people on twitter over the whole Baby Veronica case. In one exchange with a birth/first mother who goes by the screen name @RandomMusing23, I became a bit irrational and a bully. I feel awful for doing so as I hate to lose someone I could learn from. Plus she seems like a very nice person and I don’t enjoy upsetting nice well intentioned people. I was wrong and apologize for that. The discussion with her and others misrepresented my feelings and position on adoption so I am writing this piece to clarify my fears with adoption.

Before I get started let me explain when I talk about Adoption, I am referring to Domestic Infant Adoption. I’m not talking about Foster Care. Foster care is not something I’d be comfortable or believe I’d could handle. I’d rather avoid having to deal with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) which is common in older adoptees. I’m not saying an adopted infant won’t have any emotional issues but I believe that making adoption more a part of their life from infancy working with birth/first parents can help avoid it. The other thing I don’t like with Foster Adoption is the government not the child’s parents select you to parent the child. I feel we’d have a better chance to have a relationship with the birth/first parents because of it. I also have concerns about being able to bond with an older child than I would one who knew who we were since birth. Finally, I desire to experience parenthood from infancy to adult watching the child grow. I want the challenges that come with parenting an infant. There are very few infants available for adoption through Foster Care. All in all I am not confident I’d be a good Foster to Adopt parent. It’s not for everyone. Though there are those who are great at it such as Rebecca Hawkes of Sea Glass & Other Fragments. I don’t have confidence I could be and that wouldn’t be fair to a child that deserves much better than we could provide them.

Now that is out of the way, its time to go through what I am fearful with adoption. To begin I will discuss my fears with the process. I don’t like the idea of having to sell myself to expectant parents competing with other hopeful adoptive parents who could go to greater lengths to pimp themselves out to get the baby they desire. Just this weekend I saw one of these couples advertising on a billboard on the Jersey Turnpike. It’s something I would not ever be comfortable doing. I understand why it has to be done after all these parents are entrusting you to raise their child. I fear looking for an ethical agency may delay or hurt our ability for an expectant mother who is interested in placing their child for adoption to select us. But I would rather do things right and not parent than do things wrong and mess up the child and their birth/first families lives. Still no guarantees it ends up being ethical and that’s scary. The waiting process scares me as I am not a patient person. And finally the risk we would take in being selected by an expectant mother only for her to decide to parent. Now it’s not my place to tell her what to do. It’s her child and her decision not ours. It will always be her child. I wouldn’t be offended but would be hurt by getting my hopes up. One thing I refuse to do is pay any expectant mother expenses directly. Up until she signs the papers caring for the child is not something that is our responsibility.

The process is the easy part…..LOL If we make it to have the privilege and joy of being selected to parent and the adoption is finalized the real challenge begins, being an adoptive parent in an open adoption. I’m going to stick with just aspects of adoptive parenting rather than the day to day parenting. First part of parenting I am scared of is being able to create a comfortable forum where the adoptee doesn’t feel tentative to express themselves. I know this might be out if our control but I don’t want to fail the child. Second is being able to have a great relationship with birth/first family. Ideally we would have a great relationship but adoption itself isn’t exactly an ideal situation. What if we don’t have a good relationship and that negatively impacts the child? It just makes me scared. This is something that is very important to me in a open adoption and it goes beyond medical information. There are things we won’t be able to provide that birth/first parents can. The third thing that scares me is would we raise a confident adult where the adoptee could say my parents supported me and did all they could for me (even if they have hurt). This last thing is something that would define whether we succeeded as parents. It’s what matters more so than anything. More so than anything this is what scares me.

The bottom line is right now, I’m not ready to pursue adoption. Do I think I could overcome these fears, yeah I think so. But it may take me some time. It wouldn’t be fair to the child or birth/first family if we did pursue adoption before we were ready to take on the challenges of adoptive parenthood.

3 thoughts on “My Fears of Pursuing Adoption

  1. Charmaine

    I think everything I have read shows strongly that you can handle an adoption match with competence and clarity. You read the hard stuff out there (painful blogs or articles about adoption issues), you ask the right questions (how can I be a good parent, CAN I be a good adoptive parent), and you show a lot of honesty and insight personally. Infertility is a long and painful process. Adoption is a big jump. But we have two adopted children after years of failed ivf and it has been the most rewarding amazing experience of our lives. And we didn’t foster. We adopted infants. Why? Because that is where we were and we were valuable enough to deserve to have our dreams too. And we did it with honour, integrity, kindness and hope. I hope you don’t loose sight of your dream. I hope you trust yourself to move forward when you are ready. And I like your honesty online about your pain. Read the hard stuff…but read the really good stuff too. The world is just not always that complicated or awful, and just because it was someone else’s reality sure as hell doesn’t mean it will even slightly resemble yours if you don’t want it too! Keep writing, and keep moving forward! Thanks for Sharing. Charmaine

  2. YoungInfertile

    Wow, I have most of these same fears concerning adoption.

    You make an interesting point concerning who chooses adoptive parents. Part of me almost thinks that ALL adoptive parents should be chosen by the state (at least partially). I guess I’m imagining a situation where a mother puts their child up for adoption, and with the help of state social workers, she picks an adoptive family. Working with the state may also prevent situations where parents don’t fulfill their open adoption promises (I have no idea how frequent this is, but I think this is an area where state intervention can help). That said, I agree that birth/first mothers should have the opportunity to personally choose and bond with the adoptive family.


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