Anyone who has to deal with some type of loss has certain things that trigger painful reminders of that loss. Anniversaries can be triggering for a widow or widower who has lost their spouse. For me these last eight months there have been many emotional triggers of my infertility. From finding out friends or their wives are pregnant to conversations about other people’s children to seeing pictures of other families with young children they have all been reminders of what isn’t.
I’ve gotten better about letting these triggers bring me down for too long. However, they still impact my day to day life. Back in May after a vacation that helped me clear my mind of IF grief I learned that these triggers have a powerful impact on my state of mind. Within a 24 hour period I found out that someone I grew up withs wife was pregnant and that someone I used to work with was pregnant. These triggers reminded me that both of these couples would experience things that my wife and I won’t. They will experience a pregnancy and birth of their child together. They will experience parenthood something I am now doubting my wife and I will ever experience. It makes me sad and guilty that its my body that is the reason why we won’t experience that.
My most recent triggers in the last week include my wife telling me she had given the ovulation kit she bought when we were trying to get her pregnancy to someone and found out that they had gotten pregnant. That was another reminder that couple was able to do what we aren’t. It’s because of my body that’s the case. Just last night at a family gathering hearing relatives talk about their children and the holidays triggered thoughts they have experiences that we won’t. To be honest right now I want to avoid holiday gatherings with young children. All of my relatives are aware of our situation and I’m sure they understand. But it doesn’t make it easier or change the situation.
I’m continuing to work on coping with these emotional triggers be it with exercise, keeping myself busy or just telling myself things in life happen for a reason and things will get better. These triggers will be with me the rest of my life. But I can’t let them control me and bring me down. I can’t let them take away things that do exist for me even though they remind me of what isn’t.