In the roller coaster that is infertility there are many twists and turns that come your way. Those who go through treatments deal with them by getting their hopes up at different spots and then coming crashing down when treatments don’t result in a positive pregnancy and birth of child. Our situation is different in that my diagnosis is pretty cut and we decided not to go through any alternative pregnancy routes for reasons I’d rather not disclose on this blog. However, we have dealt with our own ups and downs a lot of it due to my reaction to the situation. What’s helped me work through this and not go completely off the deep end is my support system that includes my wife, family, friends and therapist. I’ve been able to progress and control my emotions more so than I did seven months ago despite slipping at times including last week. I feel I am heading on the right track all in all. But that track took an unexpected turn last night.
Last night I learned that my therapist is leaving the facility I am going to. It doesn’t sound like she is going to another facility that deals with IF because she provided me with recommendations for other behaviorists that participate with my insurance. I could wait until the facility hires a replacement but that could be one month from now. I could also look for a new therapist that doesn’t have an infertility background. But no matter which way I go there will be a change and transition to a new therapist, which has me uneasy. I really don’t want my therapist to leave but it sounds like she is moving on to something better and I’m happy for her. In addition to being a great therapist she seems like a great person, so I wish her nothing but the best.
Though that doesn’t change the fact that my dealing with this will change. My wife and I are no closer to making a decision than we were six months ago and I wish I had more time with my therapist. Lately I’ve had more thoughts about living childless forever than I have becoming a dad through adoption. As much as I want to be a dad I wonder if we will ever be comfortable pursuing adoption and whether its for us. I don’t know, I’m confused.
Who knows maybe this is a good thing and it will force me to make a change in the track I’m heading down. Maybe it’s time to in the words of Tom Cruise in Risky Business “Sometimes you gotta say, What the Fuck and make your move”. Has that time come for me? I realize the decision to become parents is a joint one with my wife but can I make a move on my own in another way that has nothing to do with becoming a parent? Do I have the balls (even if they lack sperm) to say what the fuck and make that move?
Next Wednesday is my last appointment with my therapist. I do have some time to think things over. But I will need to make a move one way or another. What will/should that move be?