If you would have asked me 10 or even 5 years ago what my life would look like at 33 it would be very different than what it is. I would have thought my wife and I would have conceived a child and we’d be working through the grind of being two working parents. I would think we would be getting ready to host Thanksgiving this upcoming Thursday and preparing to buy Christmas presents for our child. But what you think your life will be down the road is very different than what it actually becomes.
My life is very different than what I pictured it would be. Instead for the second year in a row my wife and I will be vacationing this Thanksgiving together. We won’t be preparing to buy presents for our child and instead it will be another ho hum Christmas as we watch our friends and other family members post pictures of their children on Facebook. It’s just depressing especially with this being the first set of holidays since our infertility diagnosis. This time last year we were making an appointment to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist trying to find out why our attempts to conceive a child after 18 months had been unsuccessful. Within a matter of weeks we would find out the worst case scenario. Actually I take that back, the worst case scenario would have been something life threatening to either my wife or I as being the reason for our infertility.
Despite the disappointment of what our lives aren’t there are things that I am thankful for this Thanksgiving. First is my wonderful wife who I care more about than anyone in the world. She has hurt and gone through just as much if not more grief than I have this past year and yet our bond is as strong as ever. Second is our dog Lila who brings us so much joy and love. My favorite part of each day is when my wife comes home from work and Lila goes crazy because she is so happy her mommy is home. It brings a smile to my face. Third are our close friends and family who for the most part have been very supportive of us. Fourth are the many people on line in the infertility, adoption and donor conceived communities that have taught me so much and have engaged with me despite me being a pain in the ass at times. I’ve never met any of you in person but I feel like I have at times. And lastly I am thankful for the therapists I and my wife have worked with in 2013. If not for them I don’t know where we would be emotionally individually and as a couple.
We are still not sure how we will proceed either becoming parents through adoption or continuity to live a childless life. There are certain things that we need to figure out and work through first before making that decision. To be honest I’m very scared in making that decision especially if it ends up being continuing to live a childless life because I have no idea what I will do to fill that void. But either way I am hopeful we’ll make that decision sometime in 2014.
I am thankful that we’ll have that opportunity and thankful for the people and support in our lives that have helped us work through a shitty 2013 and hope 2014 is a better year.
A Few Pieces Missing From Normalcy - An Infertile Man's Perspective 
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I don’t know many things that are harder on a marriage. So the fact that you’re doing this shit together is definitely the best thing you can hope for if child-free is where you end up. I agree though, I often wonder what I would be like if I didn’t face IF. Would I be tolerant of others who dealt with it, or be like every fertile person I hate. If anything, it has given you not only a new perspective on what some humans go through to make other humans, but how strong your bond actually is.
The tool that infertility has on a couple in their marriage is the aspect that is not talked about enough. It really tests the strength of a marriage. But it also gives us the opportunity to work on things that we probably wouldn’t have if it wasn’t for infertility. Still I would trade having worked on the things we have this year for the ability to conceive a child knowing what it will mean moving forward.
I couldn’t agree more with what you both have written above. Thanks also go to you for creating this forum where you’ve been open about your experiences and shared them with others. It takes a thoughtful and courageous person to do that…thanks.
Thanks for your feedback. I’m glad you are enjoying these discussions.