Does it get any easier?

Less than four months after I stopped going to therapy I am depressed and as down on things as I’ve been in months. Maybe it’s just the holidays that are bringing it out in me but I’ve been one miserable SOB this month. It’s led to me being argumentative with my wife and really just on edge in general. I don’t know maybe it’s just the holidays that are triggering these emotions of sadness, frustration and hopelessness.

It will be a year next Thursday that my first sperm analysis that was done the revealed I had a zero sperm count. In that year I’ve gone through peaks and valleys. My best stretch where I finally thought I was turning the corner was at the end of the summer up until Thanksgiving. My wife and I went to Sedona over the Thanksgiving holiday and actually did have nice trip. But even on this trip I started to get down again. It could be that it’s hit me that it’s been a year and we are no closer to becoming parents than we were at this point last year.

My wife and I have still not made a decision whether we will pursue adopting. I am ready to begin this process but as a couple we aren’t ready yet. That’s the thing that’s frustrating is that I don’t know when or if we’ll ever be ready. That’s scary and it also makes me sad to think that we may never become parents. These lonely holidays maybe what it is the rest of our lives. I have no idea whether this will ever get easier or if it will always be difficult. And that’s what I live in fear of. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel or a happy ending.


16 thoughts on “Does it get any easier?

  1. Furrowed Fox

    I can’t say for sure as I’m still “in the trenches” but, from what I hear from others, it doesn’t go away. But it DOES get easier. I think it’s the same as any other grief/loss – you will always carry it with you but, at some point, its weight will lessen. Good luck getting through the rest of the Silly Season.

    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      I accepted a few months back that the infertility grief will be with us forever. But I just hate these rough patches I go through. Tonight my wife asked me to smile and I couldn’t even do that for her. It just makes me feel awful that I couldn’t even do that for her.

      1. Furrowed Fox

        Your body has failed you and that is a rough thing to accept when it also means you feel like you are failing her as well. At least, that’s how I often feel since in our case it is 100% me that is the problem. But we’ve been at this so long, and I’ve given him so many opportunities to walk away that I feel that tremendous guilt of letting him down much less often. Which also makes ME a happier person to be around.

  2. dogsarentkids

    I agree with Foxy. Those rough patches come from not being able to do something everyone is supposed to be able to do. It’s similar with women. I’m sorry you’re feeling so down 😦 I say this every year – but it seems like 2013 has been especially difficult for so many of us.

  3. journeyformybaby

    For me, it didn’t get easier. I’m sorry bc i know that’s not an encouragement. However, it was exactly what we needed to give us that push to purse treatment. We would have pursued embryo adoption if ivf hadn’t worked. The thing is, I was also ready before my spouse and that is the hardest part. I didn’t want to push him, yet I knew I had to a little to get us past the hump in the road. I know this will not be the way all your Christmases go. It will get better. Either you both will move forward with adoption or for you,, it may just get better! But I think if you are passionate about being a parent, you will be someday. one way or another.

    1. journeyformybaby

      I hope I wasn’t discouraging. When I reread that, I was afraid it sounds insensitive. Believe me, after 4 and a half years of IF, I know the last thing you need is someone sounding insensitive. So I’m sorry if it comes across that way. We have male and female factor IF and we both spent a long time feeling guilty before we accepted that in every life some rain must fall. Its no ones fault. Figuring out the next step is always a challenge so I wish you all the best! I hope your 2014 brings you peace and a clear decision.

      1. gsmwc02 Post author

        Oh no, you weren’t discouraging at all. We are in the same boat as you guys with both male and female factor infertility. Though my condition gives us zero shot for conception. With her it’s unclear of whether we would have been able to have children if my condition wasn’t what it was. You’re right about life just the way it is.

        Here’s to a Happy 2014.

  4. Lisette

    Your fears and anxieties are mine as well. I think there is so much of the unknown that terrifies us. How will we feel? What will happen? Is this it? I’m sorry you’re so down, I know how that feels. Hoping there’s some comfort knowing others out there are supporting you. Take care

  5. Infertile Male

    It tends to come and go with me. The last day and a half or so, I have been feeling down. Other days I seem perfectly content. I find I am not so much sad that my body has failed me, I am more sad that I am childless and I have a desire to be a dad that has gone unfulfilled. Although I can do my part with going through the adoption process, that does not completely take away these feelings. I am sorry it has been rough for you lately.

    May I asked why you stopped seeing a therapist? I remember you telling us that your old one left her practice. Did you ever find a new one you liked? I have found mine to be very helpful. I like going to someone where I can share my feelings. I try not to burden my wife too heavily (even though I know that in marriage, we should be able to tell our spouses everything).

    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      Yeah, the childless is what gets to me.

      I never tried to find a new therapist. I wanted to try to use what I learned in therapy and continue to work through things. I am not sure if I can do any more in therapy that it will help. Plus having to find a new therapist is a hassle and I don’t feel like going through that.

  6. Dan

    As a man in the same predicament, I understand totally. We’re filling the holidays with things to do to take our minds off the worries. Can’t wait for 2014 to possibly bring better news (can’t be any worse than this year). Seasons greetings from the UK

    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      Seriously, 2013 has sucked my spermless balls. It can’t end soon enough. I’m glad that you and your wife have been able to do things to keep your mind off things. We are going out to dinner together tonight rather than go to my Aunts and be around my cousin’s kids (4 of them between the ages of 10 to 4). I hope you and your wife have a Happy Christmas. Thank you so much for stoping by and providing your feedback.

      1. Dan

        Tell me about it! Found out this year that I can never be a true father (never could) due to a 1in 600 genetically duff syndrome. The wife and I have had to do stuff to take our mind off things, she’s been very strong while I’ve been up and down so many times. I have three siblings (all of whom have children) and my wife’s sisters are either pregnant or new mothers. Painful and insensitive all rolled into one.
        Is your diagnosis from just bad luck or a defective gene, like mine?

      2. gsmwc02 Post author

        I have a Y Chromosome microdeletion of the AZFb and AZFc arms of the Y Chromosome. Like you it’s something I never knew I had until a year ago when we went through testing to find out why we had not conceived a child after a year and a half of trying.

        We sound very similar though I only have one younger brother who isn’t married with no kids. My wife’s brother isn’t married either and doesn’t have kids. So we don’t have to deal with siblings kids. I can imagine how much worse that makes it. If you don’t mind me asking, do any of your family members know what your situation is?

      3. Dan

        Yes, my parents and siblings know so are very conscious. My wife’s sisters know some details but don’t talk about things (head in the sand, fingers in the ears, lalalala, etc) which can often be insensitive. I found out (after tests and then the dreaded dig around with a needle) that I have Klinefelter syndrome so I am absolutely infertile – that has been a literal kick in the balls! My job as a primary teacher (5th grade teacher for you in the US, I think) does make life harder as I am also the only male in the school and there’s always someone pregnant.

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