Less than four months after I stopped going to therapy I am depressed and as down on things as I’ve been in months. Maybe it’s just the holidays that are bringing it out in me but I’ve been one miserable SOB this month. It’s led to me being argumentative with my wife and really just on edge in general. I don’t know maybe it’s just the holidays that are triggering these emotions of sadness, frustration and hopelessness.
It will be a year next Thursday that my first sperm analysis that was done the revealed I had a zero sperm count. In that year I’ve gone through peaks and valleys. My best stretch where I finally thought I was turning the corner was at the end of the summer up until Thanksgiving. My wife and I went to Sedona over the Thanksgiving holiday and actually did have nice trip. But even on this trip I started to get down again. It could be that it’s hit me that it’s been a year and we are no closer to becoming parents than we were at this point last year.
My wife and I have still not made a decision whether we will pursue adopting. I am ready to begin this process but as a couple we aren’t ready yet. That’s the thing that’s frustrating is that I don’t know when or if we’ll ever be ready. That’s scary and it also makes me sad to think that we may never become parents. These lonely holidays maybe what it is the rest of our lives. I have no idea whether this will ever get easier or if it will always be difficult. And that’s what I live in fear of. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel or a happy ending.