Man what a year it was. Definitely the most difficult and challenging year of my adult life. Though I found out I had azoospermia at the end of 2012, I did not know what type of azoospermia I had and what was the cause of it. I had hope at the end of 2012 that I would be able to work through it and we’d have a pregnancy (that was biologically both of ours) at some point in 2013. It wasn’t until January 10th that I found out I had a Y Chromosome Microdeletion and it wasn’t until January 25th that it was confirmed I would never be able to have a biological child. Most of the year and still to this day I am working through the depression that has followed as well as my marriage with my wife. The thing I am struggling with the most still is what is next.
I am glad this year is over. I am not sure if 2014 will bring any resolution or even a step in any direction as to what is next, I just know it will be a different year. That’s what gives me hope. It could be that one year from now I am writing a post that nothing changed in 2014 and I am exactly where I am now. The uncertainty is hard to accept but that’s life.
Someone who I have connected with on my infertility journey recently told me (Thanks Sara :-)):
In life’s journey’s sometimes we reach a wait and see point. It is an uncertainty in the fog that we want to fight and press through for clarity. But sometimes, it is better to breathe in and out and let ourselves sit in the uncomfortableness of uncertainty. Sometimes in that we find new perspective and sometimes opportunity finds us and sometimes we grow as people.
I’ve made that my New Years Resolution for 2014 to breathe in and out letting myself sit in the uncomfortableness of uncertainty. Hopefully I am able to find that new perspective and by some chance of luck I stumble upon a new opportunity that allows me to grow as a person for myself, for my wife and for those others in my life. So long 2013, you won’t be missed and hello 2014 the year of uncertain hope. I wish all of those who read this piece have a happy and prosperous 2014 and beyond.