Those who have gone through infertility who were never able to have children can identify that those who have children could never understand our pain. Many who are infertile experience at least one insensitive comment (usually more) from those who have children that tell them things like “there is more to life than having children”. To which you feel like responding “Then why did you have children if there is more to life?”.
A few weeks back, I wrote about the “Power of Twitter” referencing all of the great people and resources I’ve connected with over the last year plus. Through one of those great resources, I stumbled across a powerful blog piece called “The wound in my heart”. In this piece the author who is Childless by Circumstance lists all of the ways that infertility has affected her. It was really hard reading them because a lot of them I identify with. A lot of them caused me to have many breakdowns in 2013. So I decided to come up with my own list of ways my infertility has affected me and things we will never experience. My hope is that those who have gone through infertility will identify with them and those who haven’t gone through infertility will recognize everything that we lose out on that they take for granted:
- The positive pregnancy test celebration that we’ll never celebrate.
- Never being able to tell my mom and dad that they will finally become grandparents (my brother may get to someday).
- The nine months of preparation for the babies arrival that will never happen.
- The office in our house that will not be converted into a nursery.
- Never being able to hold my wife’s hand as she squeezes the life out of it as she gives birth.
- Never being able to see the sparkle in my father and mother in laws eyes when they hold their grandchild.
- Never bringing them home from the hospital.
- Never seeing Lila sniff her new brother/sister.
- Never being able to answer yes to the question of whether we have children.
- Never being outcasted from a conversation because I am unable to have children.
- Hearing our child’s first words that will never be spoken.
- The bedtime stories that won’t be read.
- Not being able to drop them off for their first day of Kindergarten.
- Not taking them to their first Met game and teaching them how to keep score.
- Never watching football on Sunday’s and teaching them about the game.
- My baseball card collection I had as a kid that will never be passed along.
- Teeball/Softball/Soccer games we’ll never attend.
- Christmas’s that will have a tree with no presents underneath it.
- Not being able to watch my wife’s passion for cooking be passed along to our son/daughter.
- Never watching them get knocked down and helping them get back up.
- Never having to punish them and hope that they learned from their mistakes.
- The Halloween’s that we won’t be dressing them up for.
- The vacations we’ll never go on as a family.
- The trips to the zoo we’ll never have.
- Never being able to help them with that difficult book report that they are having trouble finishing.
- The awkward teenage years guidance that we’ll never be able to provide them with.
- Their first talk about sex and the explanation of what it is that we’ll never have.
- Not watching them experience their first love and being there for them if the potential heartbreak that comes with it occurs.
- Never saving up for their College tuition and being able to provide them the education our parents provided us.
- Never watching the child we raised become an adult.
- Never handing our daughter or watching our son meet the love of their life that they will spend the rest of their life with.
- We will never be there for them for the rest of our lives to provide our son/daughter any time they need us.
- The pain and sadness that the last 13 months have brought me bringing out the worst in me that I can never erase from my wife’s memory.
Now the first three items will never happen for us no matter if we pursue adoption or remain childless. The last thing won’t be erased no matter what. The other items will only be if we decide to remain childless, which right now is more of a possibility than us becoming parents seeing that we haven’t even made the decision of whether we will even seriously look into it.
For those going through infertility, what would you have on your list?