What Infertile Couples will never experience

Those who have gone through infertility who were never able to have children can identify that those who have children could never understand our pain.  Many who are infertile experience at least one insensitive comment (usually more) from those who have children that tell them things like “there is more to life than having children”.  To which you feel like responding “Then why did you have children if there is more to life?”.

A few weeks back, I wrote about the “Power of Twitter” referencing all of the great people and resources I’ve connected with over the last year plus.  Through one of those great resources, I stumbled across a powerful blog piece called “The wound in my heart”.  In this piece the author who is Childless by Circumstance lists all of the ways that infertility has affected her.  It was really hard reading them because a lot of them I identify with.  A lot of them caused me to have many breakdowns in 2013.  So I decided to come up with my own list of ways my infertility has affected me and things we will never experience.  My hope is that those who have gone through infertility will identify with them and those who haven’t gone through infertility will recognize everything that we lose out on that they take for granted:

  • The positive pregnancy test celebration that we’ll never celebrate.
  • Never being able to tell my mom and dad that they will finally become grandparents (my brother may get to someday).
  • The nine months of preparation for the babies arrival that will never happen.
  • The office in our house that will not be converted into a nursery.
  • Never being able to hold my wife’s hand as she squeezes the life out of it as she gives birth.
  • Never being able to see the sparkle in my father and mother in laws eyes when they hold their grandchild.
  • Never bringing them home from the hospital.
  • Never seeing Lila sniff her new brother/sister.
  • Never being able to answer yes to the question of whether we have children.
  • Never being outcasted from a conversation because I am unable to have children.
  • Hearing our child’s first words that will never be spoken.
  • The bedtime stories that won’t be read.
  • Not being able to drop them off for their first day of Kindergarten.
  • Not taking them to their first Met game and teaching them how to keep score.
  • Never watching football on Sunday’s and teaching them about the game.
  • My baseball card collection I had as a kid that will never be passed along.
  • Teeball/Softball/Soccer games we’ll never attend.
  • Christmas’s that will have a tree with no presents underneath it.
  • Not being able to watch my wife’s passion for cooking be passed along to our son/daughter.
  • Never watching them get knocked down and helping them get back up.
  • Never having to punish them and hope that they learned from their mistakes.
  • The Halloween’s that we won’t be dressing them up for.
  • The vacations we’ll never go on as a family.
  • The trips to the zoo we’ll never have.
  • Never being able to help them with that difficult book report that they are having trouble finishing.
  • The awkward teenage years guidance that we’ll never be able to provide them with.
  • Their first talk about sex and the explanation of what it is that we’ll never have.
  • Not watching them experience their first love and being there for them if the potential heartbreak that comes with it occurs.
  • Never saving up for their College tuition and being able to provide them the education our parents provided us.
  • Never watching the child we raised become an adult.
  • Never handing our daughter or watching our son meet the love of their life that they will spend the rest of their life with.
  • We will never be there for them for the rest of our lives to provide our son/daughter any time they need us.
  • The pain and sadness that the last 13 months have brought me bringing out the worst in me that I can never erase from my wife’s memory.

Now the first three items will never happen for us no matter if we pursue adoption or remain childless.  The last thing won’t be erased no matter what.  The other items will only be if we decide to remain childless, which right now is more of a possibility than us becoming parents seeing that we haven’t even made the decision of whether we will even seriously look into it.

For those going through infertility, what would you have on your list?

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15 thoughts on “What Infertile Couples will never experience

  1. conceptionsbitch

    This post is heartbreaking and beautiful. Right now my fear is never getting to chose the birth I want because I will never actually give birth. It’s still possible for me but that doesn’t make it any less scary.

    Reply
  2. nicole

    this is hearbreaking and beautiful and I wish more people could understand the hurt that infertility brings into peoples lives

    Reply
  3. Just A Little Infertile

    Never seeing my son or daughter on their wedding day.
    Never having grandchildren.
    Never teaching my children to love God.
    Never having those late night cuddles before bed.
    Never getting to talk about all of the adorable things my toddler would say.

    There are too many “Never”s. 😦

    Reply
  4. Joanne

    This is off topic but I was hoping someone could give me advice. My husband has a really low sperm count and if our one and only IVF cycle doesn’t work we’ve decided not to pursue adoption. My husband thinks that we should seriously consider getting divorced since I’m still young enough to start a family with someone else. To me that makes no sense. I love him too much and I’m not dead-set on having kids. He says I don’t reassure him enough and even if I did he wouldn’t be sure that I wouldn’t feel bitter about my decision to stay later. What can I say to him?

    Reply
    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      I don’t think there is anything you can say to him. It sounds like your husband is going through the normal grief that any infertile man goes through. I would suggest he sees a therapist but I think that has to be up to the person. Have you thought about seeing a marriage therapist? The stress infertility has on couples is sometimes forgotten.

      Reply
      1. Joanne

        My husband doesn’t like to see any kind of therapist. I used to think that he was very rational about things and very laid back. It seems like he pretends things are ok but I am starting to notice things that happen to tend to upset him. We talked and he seems better but now I’m realizing that this is affecting him more than I thought.

      2. gsmwc02 Post author

        It’s a process and takes time. Everyone process it differently too. One year later there are still times I struggle and take it out on my wife.

    2. Violet

      Joanne- I am in a similar situation to yours except we never had testing done. We just were unable to conceive and then my husband decided he was done trying and did not want kids. He too is scared that I will become bitter and harbor resentment and offered divorce as an option as well. My only advice is to work this out before too much damage is done and assure him that he is more than enough and you will NOT leave him because you love him! I made the mistake of saying I had thought about leaving (for other reasons- not just the childlessness) and this has left a scar on him that is going to take a long time to heal.

      Reply
  5. kiftsgate

    What I will never have:
    – never again make love with the emotion of someone who believes that may be the moment they are conceiving their child
    – never be able to feel things lightly, to hope, to not be scared
    What I am most likely never going to have:
    – never seeing my husband trying to hear the baby listening to the belly
    – never giving birth
    – never seeing my baby’s first steps, hearing the first words, seeing the first smiles…

    Reply
  6. babyhopeful

    You have summed up so many of the things I think about on a daily basis. And what a weight that is to carry round eh? I am not yet at the stage where I can accept it will never happen for us (and by that I mean I hope we will have children in our life someday somehow) but it doesn’t stop me worrying. And for the record, I totally get your last point. I was a nightmare for almost a year after our first miscarriage – my husband deserved a medal!

    Reply
  7. babydreamer

    Never the joy of hearing our child’s heartbeat on an ultrasound.
    Never hearing my child say, “I love you mommy.”
    Never looking out the window and seeing my husband playing ball with his son or daughter.
    Never being able to give a cute nickname to our child.
    Never having the giggles or being silly with our little one.

    Reply

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