I thought about writing about the impact infertility can have on a marriage using my own as an example but held back until I saw an article earlier today (thanks for sharing Fran). The article discussed the impact infertility has on a marriage. After reading it got me thinking that maybe it’s time that I shared how infertility has impacted my marriage.
I’ve talked on this blog about how I spent seven months in 2013 in therapy. What I haven’t mentioned is that my wife and I have been in marriage counseling since last March. We’ve had many screaming matches and many nights that either I’ve slept in the guest room or K has slept on the couch. It hasn’t been pretty. The cause of our stress isn’t always because of infertility directly but indirectly.
You see K has worked the same miserable job since three weeks after we got married which will be seven years ago in September. She had been looking to find a new job but held off when we started to try to have a child. The 18 months we wasted trying to have a child she could have been looking for a new job. The guilt I have from that because of my spermless nuts kills me. Because of them K is stuck at her miserable job and that kills me.
Adding that stress she’s had on top of the my bitchy infertility grief has caused us to take it out on one another. I’ve said things I wish I never said and she’s fought back. When we fight I don’t fight fair. Usually she’ll back me into a corner with something I have nothing to come back with and then I’ll go for the jugular. I’ve accused her of not wanting children because she isn’t ready to look into adoption and she’s accused me of her not being enough for me. There have been times when I’ve thought she would leave me. But she hasn’t by some miracle.
Things have gotten better though. We are communicating better and the fights we have are not lasting days as they did last year. But we still have a long way to go. We can’t move on until K lands a new job and I have worked through my grief to the point where I can be around babies and not hurt when I hear that someone I know is pregnant.
I’ve read stories of couples who don’t survive infertility and I understand why. In a lot of cases people put their lives on hold to have children. The stress that it causes when things don’t work out is something that is hard to describe unless you’ve been through it. Though I think if a couple can survive getting through infertility that their relationship can last forever. Because as the saying goes what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.