I’ve stuck to being non controversial on this blog but I think the time has come for me to write a piece that I know will upset some people. I apologize up front but I think they need to be open to what I’m saying. Hopefully they are able to understand that I am not trying to offend them but to enlighten them to help all of us.
I’ve been in the infertility community long enough where I’ve connected with people who were going through treatments at the time I first connected with them who are now either pregnant or have had their babies. I’m very happy for them. To go through what they did to get the result they did is very well deserved. But some of these people who have graduated to the next step in their lives, forget where they came from. This doesn’t mean I think all people who go through infertility who go onto have children are like this, only some of them. Getting pregnant and having a child has made them forget where they came from. They forget that while they have graduated, a lot of us will never graduate. A lot of us will never have something to show for all of our suffering and pain.
Last week I had to unfollow someone on twitter who went through infertility who gave birth to their baby recently. The reason I did it was because she went from being an infertility advocate to someone who does nothing but talk about her baby. What’s even worse is that she is now one of those people that instead of being empathetic to those going through infertility to someone who is an unrealistic cheerleader. By that I mean that she is tweeting like everyone will end up being able to have a baby like she was able to. She has become what a lot of people in the infertility community can’t stand and that’s someone who had children thinking that it will eventually happen for that person. What she doesn’t realize is that she got lucky and that she could just as easily still be childless. Please don’t get me wrong I’m very happy for her, I just think that she shouldn’t forget where she came from.
My point is this if you are someone who is going through infertility, if you do go on to experience a pregnancy and have a baby don’t forget where you came from. If you have a twitter feed or a blog, you may want to stop your blog or just keep it strictly about infertility. It’s likely that those who follow are going through infertility and some of your talking about your child maybe triggering for others who are reading your work. You may want to create a new twitter handle or blog to discuss your experiences as a parent.
If you are someone who went through infertility who is a parent now, don’t forget where you came from. Recognize the fact that you were lucky. Recognize the fact that there are others out there who will not be as lucky. Be aware of that in your interacting with those going through infertility. Put yourself in their shoes and remember what they went through. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be happy about being a parent, it means you shouldn’t be the fertile friend you disliked when you were going through infertility. You shouldn’t have the “you’ll have a baby eventually” attitude. You should have the “I’m here for you always and forever”.
Not all infertility is created equal. What worked for one couple isn’t going to work for another couple. Everyone who goes through infertility will have different outcomes. Some will end with a biological child of both parents, others will become parents through third party reproduction or adoption and others will remain childless forever. We all need to recognize that and stick together and not change just because our outcomes are different.
If K and I do decide to pursue adoption and are lucky enough to be selected to become parents, I’ll likely just keep this blog about topics concerning infertility and start up a new blog. If I happen to become one of this annoying parents, I ask that you remind me to remember where I came from. You have my permission to tell me to STFU stop being an annoying dick and remember where I came from :-).
I decided a long time ago that if we ever have a successful pregnancy I will start a new blog and give people the option to follow me there or not, however they are comfortable. Even with that I can’t imagine forgetting where I started and who has been there to support me through it (that would be you guys).
Yeah, I just don’t think it’s appropriate if you have an infertility blog with followers going through infertility if you are blogging about your kids.
Great post. You were right on about done of these people who forget where they come from. I used to follow a blog called BARREN AND UMEMPLOYED. At the time I began to follow it I too was “barren” (technically I still am, I cannot produce sperm) and I had no permanent employment. I could identify with the blogger. When she got pregnant she did nothing but post pics of her baby bump. She almost reminded me of the famous fruit lady. I still read the blog but the moment she mentioned her upcoming babymoon that was the last straw. Many of us will never get to take a baby moon let alone experience a pregnancy. Needles to say, I no longer follow her. She fell out of touch with us infertiles.
That’s not an infertility blog maybe it was at one point but it sounds more like a pregnancy blog.
Very well written! You managed to touch on a delicate and important topic very nicely. I had similar issues and it has made me sad. I hope lots of people read this post. I am happy for these people who fought so hard, but I do get sad when their blog becomes hard to follow for me.
It is sad because they become your friends and then it becomes impossible to relate to them.
As a long time IFer – and by that I mean most people that started treatments when I did now have TWO kids – who is still in the trenches, I think about this A LOT. I know I will eventually parent. My path is long and winding but will end with a child. Somehow. But I have been at this for too long to forget it. And I know that some of my closest friends won’t make it. So I will strive to never be all baby all the time.
:-). That’s all I’m saying. I’m glad you understand.
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