Those of you who follow me on twitter know I’ve been in a bitchy mood lately. I’ve snapped at a number of people for being happy about their pregnancy (LOL, yeah that petty). I’ve been going at it at home with my wife sleeping in the Guest Room a number of nights. The weird thing is I’m not sure why.
I’ve been exercising more than I have in the last two years. I’ve dropped more than 10 lbs since Christmas losing the weight I put in on 2013. Not that I was fat because I’ve never been fat. I was chunky and my clothes were starting to get tight. I set a goal of getting down from 165 to 145 by mid May. As of last Saturday I’m down to 152. So that’s a good thing. But why have I been acting like a bitch if I at least have this?
The reason is that over a year later my wife and I still have yet to make a decision as to whether we will pursue adoption. I am itching for us to move in some type of direction even if it just means beginning to look at adoption agencies w/out making a decision. I’m tired of putting my life on hold waiting for us to do something.
Which brings me to an email exchange I had with someone I met on another blog that I comment on. For those of you who’ve interacted with me on these you know it brings out the worst in myself. I’ve said a lot of things I regret saying. One of these things led me to emailing this person about it.
She is a woman who recently gave birth to a child but though she hasn’t admitted it I am guessing that she went through some type of infertility. I’m not sure as to what though and I didn’t think it would be polite to ask. In her reply back to me she offered this piece of advice that really stuck with me:
My feeling was that the best course of action for me would be to learn how to come to terms with being childless and that if I could do that, and if i eventually did become a parent, I’d actually be a better parent if it was not a choice made by desperation.
She went onto say that this is something she struggled with and was never able to do. But it hit home for me. If we pursued adoption now it would be out of my desperate desire to parent not because it was a decision for us. I need to accept being childless and be ok with it before we moved onto adoption.
To do this I need to stop putting my life on hold and do something of meaning. I thought about what I could do. I never saw myself leading a ChildFree life that didn’t involve any children in my life. So I have decided to look into my local Big Brother program. I submitted an application earlier this week and hope to hear back from them soon to get involved.
If I can’t make a difference in a child I parent’s life, I hope I can make a difference in a child that I mentor. I don’t know if I’ll be good at it but I don’t know if I don’t at least try. I need to come to terms with being childless before we make any decision as to whether to pursue adoption. Who knows maybe this will be something I love to do and that it does fill the void in my life and whether we pursue adoption becomes a choice rather than an act of desperation. I’ll have to wait and see.