Earlier this week I realized that Father’s Day #2 since my infertility diagnosis was coming up. I didn’t think much of it nor did I reflect. I thought, “oh well it’s just another day”. As I wrote about last year these holidays are BS Hallmark holidays. So I never really valued the day.
Today, for whatever reason I started to reflect and feel sad. It is not so much the day but the reminder of what is and what will likely be. My situation today is no different than it was one year ago. We are still childless.
The only difference in our situation is that I am having serious reservations about wanting us to pursue adoption. I’m not sure if it’s something I want us to do. Last year I was more enthusiastic about pursuing it. I thought it was only a matter of time before we started vetting agencies. That hasn’t happened and I’m starting to doubt that it will. Adoption is complicated in so many different ways and it’s not for everyone. I question whether it’s right for me and refuse to pursue it if I have any doubts at the risk of F’ing up someone else’s life.
What is different this year is my perspective. I am no longer holding up on pursuing other things in my life. I’ve pushed myself to get back in shape and have lost over 25lbs. I’m lighter and in as good a shape as I’ve been in my adult life (though K says I’m starting to look manorexic). I’m volunteering for Big Brother which has been challenging yet enlightening at the same time. It’s forced me to go outside of my comfort zone for the benefit of someone else (which is a great thing). I’m not saying I can’t do this or that because it might take my time away if we decide to pursue adoption. I’m living my life today not preparing for what I think we’ll do tomorrow.
The biggest perspective of mine that’s changed is how I am coping. Last year I wasn’t as comfortable telling K when I was feeling down. Instead I’d keep it in and take it out on her or just talk about with my therapist. This year I plan on telling her up front how I feel and talk through it. I’m also no longer in therapy. I’ve learned how to cope with this all better than I did a year ago.
In reading this you’re probably saying to yourself that my perspective being more positive is a good thing and that I’m in a better place. But that isn’t the case. I’m still sad. I’m still hurt. I’m still scared of the unknown. My Father’s Day is still childless and future Father’s days are likely to be as well. My situation is the same despite my perspective being different.
That is the most frustrating part I’m working through this Father’s Day. I’ve worked so hard and tried to change things yet I’m still hurting. Other times in my life when facing obstacles and faced adversity I’ve worked hard and seen progress and achieved results. With this I’m not. Hard work is not going to change anything. I don’t know what will.
This Father’s Day, my thoughts are with the men out there who are going through infertility. I wish you all strength during this tough time. My thoughts are also with a friend of mine celebrating his first Father’s Day this year. Robert you are an inspiration to is all. I hope you have an incredible day with your family.