Triggering Day Part II: “That’s not your daddy”

As I wrote about in my last entry, I had two triggers on my recent trip to Chicago with K.  The first trigger made me sad and a bit charged up.  The second trigger is the really difficult one something that has really made me think and question what’s next.  It’s one that made me wonder if there is such a thing as fate and what things that have happened in my life are trying to tell me.

While I was continuing to walk through the exhibit discussed in my last post and lagging behind K as usual in museums because it takes me longer to read and think about what I was reading, the triggered occurred.  I was reading a description of an exhibit when a little girl walked up to me from behind and said to me “Daddy can you hold my water bottle?”.  Almost immediately her mother grabbed her and said “That’s not your daddy”.  A few seconds later her mother brought her to her dad who like me was wearing a red polo and was close to my height (5’4”) which is unusually that there was another guy that was a father who was short like me wearing a similar shirt.  It was almost surreal.  While I had a good laugh on the outside with the couple about the mix up, on the inside I was torn a part.

It almost felt like a bad dream, except I was awake.  It felt exactly like what infertility has done to me.  It has held out this dream of being a dad and then there being someone telling me that it’s not my kid not my place in life to be a dad.  A week and a half later, I am still thinking about what this event means.  This wasn’t a dream that was trying to tell me something.  This was something in real life that almost seems like it was meant to be.  What are the odds that something like that could happen?  If I had not been lagging behind K, it wouldn’t have happened.  If I had been wearing a different shirt, it probably wouldn’t have happened.  But then again what are the odds that a man could be born with a Y Chromosome microdeletion of the AZFb and AZFc?

So what does this all mean?  Did it happen because fate is trying to tell me that I won’t or shouldn’t attempt to become a dad?  Is it trying to tell me that I should not ever give up?  Or is it a mere coincidence that this happened?  Whatever the reason, I wish it hadn’t happened because it is messing with my head.  As much as I am trying to avoid triggers and prepare myself for them, they still seem to come up when I least expect it and in unusual ways.

16 thoughts on “Triggering Day Part II: “That’s not your daddy”

  1. kiftsgate

    I used to believe in signs and faith. Like when we were in Chile after months of trying and we saw lots of shooting stars and I thought this it is, it’s going to work. Or so many other signs during IVF etc.
    I don’t believe in it anymore. I do think it was a coincidence, but that you were maybe more attentive to it and more capable of reading something in it because you already have some thoughts at the back of your mind..
    It’s like when I’m doing well and hardly see pregnant women around me and then when I feel like shit they are everywhere.. it’s not a sign or the universe being cruel and reminding me what I can’t have, it’s just me paying more attention to them..
    Big hug. xx

    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      True, but I just think that the odds of that happening are so slim that it has to mean something. But maybe I’m just being a little too self centered.

      1. kiftsgate

        Not self centred. But you see you could read something else in it, e.g. this is what I want and the Universe is showing it to me so I don’t give up. I really think what you read reflects your fears or hopes..
        But you can also just ignore all my being skeptic of signs from the Universe. The Universe and I are not exactly getting along at the moment..

      2. gsmwc02 Post author

        Oh no I get what you’re saying. I actually think more so than anything it’s fate telling me that I am not supposed to be a parent. This was just another reminder to myself that I need to accept this. That’s what I lean towards more so than anything.

  2. Cyn

    These moments in our lives are so upsetting. Sometimes they feel supporting of our decisions and other times feel like they’ve crashed those decisions all to hell. I’m so sorry you are struggling more after this particular moment. I hope you can find peace with whatever it means for you and your life.

  3. mombie

    Ouch. What a kick in the pants. 😦 The fact that you are still asking/looking for meaning is indicative of a heart that is still grieving. My own heart is hurting for you. Hugs!

  4. sarah

    OUCH! Triggers suck, that one sounds particularly painful. I’m going to chip in my 2 cents, if it doesn’t resonate then feel free to take it with a grain of salt. I used to believe there were no coincidences and I was more aligned with the wishful school of “everything happens for a reason”. No more, infertility changed that. I’m not saying there is no such thing as meant to be, what I am saying is that either way this universe is a lot more random than most would like to admit. Learning not to take my and our infertility personally has helped me immensely, but it’s practically impossible since infertility EFFECTS one personally in just about every way. But the fact it exists and it happened to my husband and me is not personal towards us, actually I’m convinced it doesn’t mean a thing. So I vote “coincidence” as far as the museum incident, but I’m sorry that doesn’t take the pain away. There’s so much more meaning in what is inside of us. Infertility has shown me that external circumstances and events, though they can feel very daunting, mean very little. For me, nature not cooperating is just simply that – nature not cooperating. Don’t forget all of the people who really shouldn’t be parents for whom nature does cooperate. Does nature’s cooperation imply they really should be parents? I don’t think so.

    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      What you’re saying makes sense. But I’m just struggling because I’m looking for something or some moment that tells me this is how it should be.

      1. Carole

        I totally get what you’re saying, on those days that I’m feeling positive I feel I can conquer the world but then there are those days when I’m feeling sick or I have insomnia and I interpret these days as signs that maybe We are having a hard time conceiving because I wouldn’t be able to physically handle it, as if the universe is doing me a favor. The fact remains that once we go through infertility struggles our perspective about everything in our lives is affected by it. I hope you find peace soon. If you want to be a father it’s nobody’s business to tell you not to, not even the universe.?

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