As I wrote about in my last entry, I had two triggers on my recent trip to Chicago with K. The first trigger made me sad and a bit charged up. The second trigger is the really difficult one something that has really made me think and question what’s next. It’s one that made me wonder if there is such a thing as fate and what things that have happened in my life are trying to tell me.
While I was continuing to walk through the exhibit discussed in my last post and lagging behind K as usual in museums because it takes me longer to read and think about what I was reading, the triggered occurred. I was reading a description of an exhibit when a little girl walked up to me from behind and said to me “Daddy can you hold my water bottle?”. Almost immediately her mother grabbed her and said “That’s not your daddy”. A few seconds later her mother brought her to her dad who like me was wearing a red polo and was close to my height (5’4”) which is unusually that there was another guy that was a father who was short like me wearing a similar shirt. It was almost surreal. While I had a good laugh on the outside with the couple about the mix up, on the inside I was torn a part.
It almost felt like a bad dream, except I was awake. It felt exactly like what infertility has done to me. It has held out this dream of being a dad and then there being someone telling me that it’s not my kid not my place in life to be a dad. A week and a half later, I am still thinking about what this event means. This wasn’t a dream that was trying to tell me something. This was something in real life that almost seems like it was meant to be. What are the odds that something like that could happen? If I had not been lagging behind K, it wouldn’t have happened. If I had been wearing a different shirt, it probably wouldn’t have happened. But then again what are the odds that a man could be born with a Y Chromosome microdeletion of the AZFb and AZFc?
So what does this all mean? Did it happen because fate is trying to tell me that I won’t or shouldn’t attempt to become a dad? Is it trying to tell me that I should not ever give up? Or is it a mere coincidence that this happened? Whatever the reason, I wish it hadn’t happened because it is messing with my head. As much as I am trying to avoid triggers and prepare myself for them, they still seem to come up when I least expect it and in unusual ways.