The last six weeks have been rough. It first started with my birthday as a reminder that age 34 I am in the exact same situation living the exact same lifestyle as I was when I was 30 and will be when I turn 40. Then Father’s Day hit as another reminder of what isn’t and what will never be. You add in the other random triggers that have gotten me down that I’ve written about and the depression that defined my 2013 has returned. Though this depression is more a sad numbing than bitter anxiety.
This sad numbing is me coming to the hard realization that K and I will never become parents. The hope I’ve held onto is gone. I’ve been patient but I think that after 18 months of trying to figure out what our next step is it’s clear that there is no next step this is what it is and will always will be. If we were going to pursue adoption, we would have at least taken steps in that direction by now. We did talk about researching it together last summer but that never happened. One year later we are in the exact same position with no plans to pursue it at any point.
For all of the hard work we’ve put in it’s led us on a road to no where on making a decision as to what’s next. On my end I’ve make life changes that I thought would help me believe that I could live a childless life and be happy. I worked on coping skills last year during the 7 months of therapy. I’ve focused on weight loss, biking, running and volunteer work. Though they are enjoyable activities it still hasn’t changed anything in my everyday life. My lifestyle is the same routine day in a and day out.
The events of the last 18 months (or 3 years when we started to try to have a child) has made me believe that this is what my life was supposed to be. I was never supposed to be a parent with K. Maybe it’s because I wouldn’t have been a good parent and this is natures way of weeding out a weak link. Maybe it’s because it is my destiny to grow old miserable and isolated with no family. Maybe it’s because I am going to get sick and not live a long life (if that’s the case I wish it would happen sooner rather than later). Maybe it’s because it’s for the “greater good” that I don’t become a parent.
I say “greater good” because recently I had a conversation with a group of people where varying opinions sparked a heated debate on a political issue. The argument that was made was that people should support things that are for the “greater good” not because they stand to benefit. The conversation stuck with me that maybe I’m not a parent for the “greater good” of society today and future generations.
Whatever the reason it’s pretty clear to me that this life is the life I was supposed to live. The life I would like to live would be possible if it was meant to be and if it was for the “greater good”. I just wasn’t meant to become a parent. The difficulty is accepting that and living out a life that was, is and always will be. A life that to me has no purpose or direction except what it’s been for however long it’s supposed to be.