When you think of people going through infertility you think of hormonal medications, IVF and other procedures to assist in conception of a child. Even for men who are infertile they go through medication treatments, have varicocele surgery or even a sperm extraction surgery. Then you have the aspect of pregnancy loss that comes with infertility between miscarriages and still births. Almost all couples experience at least one of the situations mentioned.
But for our situation when going through our Infertility Rap Sheet we had went through none of this. For me specially my rap sheet is me giving two sperm samples (or lack there of) and one blood draw. Though I am a big pussy when it comes to needles it really wasn’t at all that painful. We didn’t go through any treatments, didn’t experience any pregnancy losses or go through any cycles.
All of this has made me feel like a fraud in the infertility community. The fantasy loss is the only thing that I can identify with and even that doesn’t feel real at times. How can I possibly complain about what I am feeling when everyone else has dealt with much worse? Why has this completely changed my frame of mind and outlook on life when it really is nothing compared to others? Most people at least tried treatments or had a pregnancy, they didn’t give up as easily as we did. Others who have had success actually put work into overcoming infertility to have a child and in most cases it paid off. They deserve their success because they worked for it.
I understand that everyone’s journey is different and that you shouldn’t compare. But when your journey can’t identify any part of your experience with anyone in the infertility community makes you feel like you don’t belong. I feel like I don’t belong because I feel like we haven’t even tried. We had options and choose not to pursue them. Though the odds are that we would be in the exact same position, we would know that we didn’t fold our cards after the first hand was dealt to us.
As someone who has always worked hard, never given up easily or accepted what was dealt to him this has been the hardest thing to accept. I fear regret later in life that we didn’t even try to have children and that we didn’t want them as much as I thought. That has me feeling like a fraud that doesn’t belong among those who have actually fought battles and didn’t give up as easily as we did.