Is there a place for the Childless/Childfree in the Infertility Community?

Ok, so originally this post was going to be about me walking away from the infertility community but since I never give up easily on anything that I have a passion for I’m going to stick around. I’m going to address something that I know is an extremely sensitive topic in the infertility community. I’m taking a risk that some people on both sides may take offense to some things discussed in this post but I think it’s worth it if it engages a useful dialogue.

From time to time there will be members of the infertility community who will get pregnant leaving others to feel isolated. If you are someone still trying to have children it hurts but if you’re someone who has moved on it can open the wounds left by infertility. It’s an unfortunate situation of people being hurt not necessarily because of others but because of things out of everyone’s control.

Recently a good friend of mine became unexpectantly pregnant. She is an outspoken advocate for all in the infertility community and has an amazing heart. If anyone deserves something like this it’s her, her husband and their son. I am extremely happy for her and her family. However, though I was happy for her and her family there was a part of me that was hurt. It’s not that I was hurt by her or her announcement. It was that I knew that what they were able to achieve is something that K and I will never be able to. That isn’t her fault or her husband’s fault nor is it mine.

Though I didn’t lash out at her there were others who are childless/childfree who were. They felt that the timing of it being announced around the holidays and how it was announced was done w/out regard for how others would feel. That couldn’t be further from the truth because I know she would do everything in her power to take away their pain. Sitting back and watching the dialogue on Twitter was awful. I felt awful for my friend and felt awful for others who were obviously hurting. They weren’t bitter like some people accused them of being they were flat out hurting. It was a shitty situation all around. But I’m not sure if it’s something that can ever be avoided.

The people who do go on to get pregnant and have their happy ending fall into three groups when it comes to their views on those who end up childless/childfree. There are those people who are empathetic who understand (my friend falls into this category). There are those who don’t quite get it but try their best to understand. I love these people because they are open minded ask questions and truly want to help. They have amazing hearts and are amazing people. They’ll always be your friend and there to support others. Then there are those who will never get it who are closed minded who just see the childless/Childfree as bitter people who need to suck it up and that they gave up. Yes, we are bitter at times but the reason for it is not because “they have what we want” (as some woman put it on Twitter recently) it’s because it triggers our most painful wounds from infertility that will NEVER fully heal. I’ve had people in this group unfollow me on Twitter in some cases it’s because I lashed out out them unfairly in other cases it’s because they wanted to distance themselves from something they don’t want to go back to or frankly I don’t think they care about now that they have their happy ending.

This all has me wondering whether there is a place for those who are childless/childfree in the infertility community. While I do think all voices are important with the majority of people in the infertility community moving onto become parents of kids they conceived there are always going to be pregnancies that trigger bad memories for those who move onto become childless/childfree. Some say that the answer is that those who are triggered should just mute or unfollow those who are pregnant or have kids. Others say that those people who are pregnant or use hash tags should watch how they say things. But are these solutions or just band aids to a issue that cannot ever be resolved? What good is a community where people have to be muted or watch their language? Is that a community that is inclusive of all voices?

I lean towards the solution that those who have moved onto living childless/childfree don’t belong in the infertility community. That’s not anyone’s fault I just think it’s what’s best. People who go onto have their happy endings shouldn’t have to walk on egg shells. On the other hand people who have moved onto living childless/childfree deserve a safe place where there are no fears of seeing surprise pregnancies and have the Happy Ending they were never able to achieve. I don’t think it’s possible for these two groups to exist in the same community w/out there being people who are vulnerable get hurt.

People who get pregnant or become parents after infertility need support and so do those who move onto childless/childfree lives. Because of the nature of what infertility does to us by bringing out the worst in us (topic for another blog piece) I don’t think it’s possible for both groups to support one another fully the way they need to be. But maybe things can never be perfect and this is just the best it’s going to be. Maybe the childless/childfree walking away doesn’t do anyone any good. Maybe we all just need to hear things that make us feel uncomfortable on both sides.

I’m interested to hear/read everyone’s feedback no matter if you’re pregnant, a parent, going through treatments or childless/childfree. All opinions, thoughts and ideas are welcome.

Advertisements

42 thoughts on “Is there a place for the Childless/Childfree in the Infertility Community?

  1. Jeb

    I think you raise some important points on this post and have identified a lot of what people experiencing infertility go through when interfacing with others (including those who have moved on from infertility to any of several other paths).

    However, I would argue that people moving on from infertility to parenthood are in a unique position to be compassionate and empathetic towards those who continue to struggle with infertility and/or remain childless not by choice. In that regard, I think people who have who have become parents should be thoughtful about what they say and do. I wouldn’t characterize that role and honestly – that responsibility – to be ‘walking on eggshells’. I would say it’s an opportunity to show compassion and not forget where you came from and what you struggled through just because you no longer face that particular struggle. That’s fundamental human kindness and we need more of that in this world.

    Reply
  2. Jess

    Sadly, I think you are right. I joined Twitter and my blog as an escape from Facebook and friends with kids who reminded me of what I didn’t have. I only followed those on Twitter who didn’t have kids and weren’t pregnant. That sounds closed minded, I know- but it was about self-preservation- which is what we all need to do, whatever the means. Of course, friends became pregnant and I eventually did as well, but I never forgot the reason I joined twitter and tried to censor any pregnancy/ kid stuff out of my own conversations. Always wishing you the best.

    Reply
    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      Hey Jess, I hope all is well with you and your family. I dont think what your reasons for coming to twitter were closed minded. You were protecting yourself and that makes sense. I dont think its right for anyone to censor themselves.

      Reply
  3. My Perfect Breakdown

    Interesting post. We very seriously considered choosing a childless life but after months of soul searching we have chosen adoption. So, while I cannot fully relate, I do feel that I can appreciate the decision making that goes into it. And, I’ve never fully felt like a true infertility community member, as we are really good at getting pregnant but cannot sustain a pregnancy. So, my perspective seems a bit different and while I’ve never felt like I really fit into the fertility community, I felt a lot of love and support from the infertility community when we were trying, and losing pregnancies. And, I felt the love and support as we began to transition from trying again to evaluating our other options (surrogacy, adoption and/or childless). And, now I still feel a lot of support from the infertility community as we are pursuing adoption. But I know that I never fit fully fit in because we just don’t follow the typical infertility process. And, I suspect I never truly will, but I choose to hold onto the friendships and love that I have experienced within the community because I have found the community to be to pretty amazing to me.
    Love to you and thank you for sharing such a thought provoking post.

    Reply
    1. My Perfect Breakdown

      Oh, and I selfishly hope you and others don’t leave, because I think your perspective is so valuable to people making their family choices – it’s always great to hear from those who have already walked the path. And, I also really like your blog. 🙂

      Reply
    2. gsmwc02 Post author

      You fit in more so than you think. None of our journeys are the same. We all are presented with infertility, most have to evaluate their options and make a decision on how to proceed. You’ve done just that.

      Reply
  4. sarahchamb

    Oh boy, what a topic. I’ve got no answers, but many thoughts. As a newly child free not by choice infertility survivor, I have been feeling that the two groups you speak of are quite different. As my husband and I grieve the loss of our children after one surgery and ten failed fertility treatments, I have chosen to limit my associations, both online and in person, with those who might become pregnant. This is of course for my own emotional self protection but unfortunately it sometimes gets misinterpreted as petty or small minded.

    The pressure I’ve often felt from the infertile community to “be happy for her” and support fellow IFers through the early weeks of their pregnancies has been both damaging and traumatizing. Having never received the grand gift and privilege of a second beta myself, having to support someone even in that position, for me, would be emotionally scathing. And again, it is unfortunate some misinterpret this as vengeful. The fact is that other people’s pregnancies are potent catalysts for the re-traumatization of others, and THIS IS NO ONE’S FAULT, I agree with you Greg. However, I still have the right to do what I need to do to take care of myself, while maintaining the responsibility of not lashing out at or unfairly hurting anyone. As a woman, I’ve sometimes felt the pressure to support those of us in the community who do get pregnant is very present while the pressure to support those of us who don’t is almost invisible. That said, I’ve also received some incredibly lovely and heartfelt comments on my blog from people with children.

    I once pointed out in a conversation on Resolve something to the effect that “ALL of us in the IF community endure trauma and shoulder intense challenges, and I begrudge no one that. However, it needs to be said that, in most cases, coming out of this without a child is just harder than coming out of it with one.” It’s possible we in the childless/free community may be looking for that acknowledgement from our fellow infertiles turned parents. If so, we’ll have to become much clearer in communicating what we want/need as there is no current protocol. I think there’s no reason the two groups can’t work together in some ways, but in order to do so perhaps our differences, something people unfortunately tend to shy away from, need to be better defined.

    Reply
    1. Kitten

      “If so, we’ll have to become much clearer in communicating what we want/need as there is no current protocol.” I’m glad you said that. I hate to put it all on you (as a group), but I think you do need to shout louder and more often to be heard, and to tell the rest of us how we can support you. It might not be fair that you have to do that, but that’s what the community needs to grow and to be more supportive of each other.

      Reply
    2. gsmwc02 Post author

      Thank you so much for the feedback. I don’t think you are under any obligation to support anyone if you’re unable to. Those who have attacked you for that are wrong. Those people are closed minded and petty.

      Reply
  5. Kitten

    Lots of food for thought. I don’t know what the answer is, but those who are living childless/childfree definitely deserve a safe space. I’d hate to see them disappear altogether from the larger infertility community, though. It’s a large community, filled with many different sub-groups. When we all mingle together, yes, there will be some hurt feelings, because some will be undergoing treatments, while others cannot afford to; some will get pregnant, while others will not; some will successfully adopt, others will not. I guess the big difference between all the other groups and the childless/free group is that everyone else is still on a path toward parenthood. I can see how it would be difficult to always be surrounded by that.

    I think it’s important that the childless/free remain active in the community, because it is one of the possible outcomes of every infertility journey and we all need to be prepared for that. Then again, it’s not your responsibility to be a poster child or usher for others. So…. I really don’t know what the answer is. I just know that I personally would like to support everyone the best I can, but I don’t always know how to support everyone.

    Reply
    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      For you personally, I think you do a better job supporting others than you give yourself credit for. You have opened my eyes to so much and have always tried to be sensitive to others. I hope more people can follow your lead.

      Reply
  6. Chezza_A / NoBunInMyOven

    Hi Greg, my hubby and I are in the same situation as you and K fertility-wise. I pretty much stopped using my ‘infertility’ account from about March last year as I always felt I didn’t belong there because we weren’t actively having fertility treatment and we don’t even have a hope of a natural pregnancy. For a time we too thought we would just have to get used to a childless future (we’re now hoping to try adoption first) and I felt the IF community was very geared towards those going through infertility treatment so it was often a painful reminder on tough days that we seemed to be standing still and doing nothing while others were actively trying to get pregnant. As others still seemed to ‘have hope’ of achieving pregnancy, I guess I also felt people didn’t entirely understand the situation we are in. I didn’t encounter any negative behaviour or anything like that, it was just how I felt so in time I withdrew.

    Reply
    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      Hey there. I was wondering where you’ve been and understand why as we are in a similar situation. It is a lonely place if you aren’t pursuing treatments, pregnant or a parent.

      Reply
  7. Geochick (@geochick_1)

    As someone who hasn’t resolved infertility, but has been able to build a family, I find it odd when those who have marched down similar paths can be so divisive. I can understand how someone who is childfree/childless wouldn’t feel like they fit anymore. After all, whether you are able to have children biologically or you adopt, there is a common thread keeping us together in parenting. I totally get having a safe space for a subgroup.

    I agree though, that childfree/childless leaving is not that desirable for a community as a whole. After all, like Kitten says, it’s a possible outcome for everyone who is starting their infertility journey, and connecting with you would be beneficial for someone who is at the end of their infertility/adoption rope. It’s not to say that you should make yourself available and super active in the community, cheering on every BFP and successful adoption story, but that I would hate for you to fall silent. Your voice and your experience matters.

    Reply
    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      In the discussions on twitter I learned how much parents through third party reproduction and adoption related to those who are childless/childfree. I think its important you all make your voices heard as well on this subject.

      Reply
  8. sbear2014

    Man, this is why I don’t tweet. I really don’t care to hear public judgement on my private thoughts and experiences. And it’s broken into such small bits that people, particularly strangers, have no clue where you’re coming from or in what context you’re opinion fits into. That’s uncharted territory for me, but I’ve never liked the concept.

    As for those that have chosen to forego parenting after struggling with infertility, I respect and admire your decision, and I find your story hopeful that there is light at the end of the tunnel, even if it doesn’t end in parenting. Adoption isn’t for everyone (personally, I’m terrified of the risk of adoption failing or the biological mother changing her mind), funds are not unlimited, and not everyone succeeds at IVF. Personally, I am nearing the end of the road of dealing with infertility, and whether our transfers are successful or not, I want to believe there is another alternative and a meaningful life without children. I’m struggling with that right now, and it does really help me to hear your perspective. That’s just my two cents.

    Reply
  9. Justine Froelker

    Ugh, this is so hard! Bottom line, I think we all need to work on our compassion, compassion for ourselves and for others, and of course compassion in how one’s family is made and how one defines their own happy ending. Any struggle in making our family most likely means lifelong losses, which we can all identify with, and we must remember that they are lifelong. Sure some perhaps more potent for us than others but this is our own individual work to process and recovery from. If I have learned anything these last three years, hell especially in this last year, is that life will never be categorized. No matter how hard we try, it just isn’t all good or all bad and doesn’t exist in the black or white. Can we give ourselves permission to say that is hurtful while also respecting that it is someone else’s joy and was never meant to be hurtful to others, even though it was. This is compassion. I guess, I am also trying to figure out this complicated grey, because there are times that it feels like I may never have a place to fit in in the infertility/childfree/childless world, especially as I am learning the more the book is read and the blog is discovered. However, this NEVER means I do not belong, because we all belong, we are all worth of love and belonging. But, this has also required my own work; looking long and hard at myself, being honest, practicing recovery daily and continuing this curiosity. Thank you so much Greg for having the courage to put this conversation out there. I’ve been hit hard recently with the semantics of all of this… so this hits home. Much love my friend! Justine

    Reply
  10. Pingback: Infertility Community a Microsm of Society - Silent Sorority

  11. Mali

    I’m not fully aware of what went on on Twitter, but having read a couple of blog posts (including your friend’s), I can sadly imagine. This kind of thing seems to pop up every few years, I guess because there are so many emotional people in this community.

    I do however completely disagree with your conclusion that those who have moved onto living childless/childfree don’t belong in the infertility community. I think we are an integral part of it, as we are a very real possible outcome for people going through infertility. The whole reason I blog is to help people understand that they are not alone when they might realise that they are not going to have children, or may not be able to have children, and to show them that a good, happy life is possible. Not all of us are bitter, most of us are very happy for those still going through the infertility process who get pregnant. It just takes time to get there.

    Or maybe we just move in different circles within the infertility community. I have readers who have no kids, readers who have kids, and readers who are still trying and hoping. I know I have helped them, and they have validated my feelings in return. It’s simply a matter of respect and thinking about what we say, and how we say it, whilst still staying true to ourselves and our feelings and realities. Diplomacy.

    I might think on this some more, and maybe blog about it.

    Reply
    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      You could be right about moving to different circles. I have noticed that shift that certain people who go onto parent or get pregnant move to certain circles while others have a mix of friends who come from all areas.

      Reply
    2. Jamie

      Hear, hear, Mali! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and voice. I am also appreciative of the original poster in participating in the dialogue of the topic of whether or not those who are childless/childfree should go separate ways from the rest of the IF community. It is important to discuss and share feelings and perspectives. However, I respectfully disagree with you and agree with Mali’s comments.

      I am one of those people who kind of straddles different camps within the IF community. While I am currently childless, there is a possibility that I may have an opportunity in the near future to try to have children of my own or through adoption. I am not ready to give up the dream of having a family with my fiancé. However, I am realistic in knowing that I have limited time and it may not happen. My participation in the IF community allows me to process my experiences, remain connected to those who are parenting, pregnant or trying to start a family, and see the other side of those without children. I am connected to a community of support as I need it, but I also have a model of how to currently manage living without children and know that if it does not happen that I will be okay.

      We need the diversity within the IF community. It may not always be easy, for any group along the continuum, but for those who are able to share in their support, it is greatly appreciated. It stinks that the childless/childfree may be feared by some. It stinks that some may feel guilty and separate themselves to avoid hurting others or hurting themselves. You have to do what you can and what is best for you, but I hope some may try to grow past it. No one wants to feel forgotten.

      Reply
  12. clwalchevill

    I’ve been reflecting a lot on this post (here via recommendation from the friend you mention). I firmly believe that those who are not parenting after infertility have a much needed place in this community. Not only do they bring a different perspective but they demonstrate that resolving infertility is not defined by giving birth to a child. Frankly, without the women I’ve met who have taught me this valuable lesson, I don’t believe I would be on the road to resolution after infertilty. So my answer to you is a simple yes. There is a place.

    That said, I also think there’s a difference between being resolved and not parenting vs. either beginning your journey to resolution or even simply being on hold. And I can certainly empathesize how difficult the holding pattern can be, especially with surprise pregnancy announcements. What I would encourage instead of leaving this community, though, is reaching out and exploring why these feelings exist. There the obvious, but there’s usually the underlying too. Regardless, know there is a place for you, even if it doesn’t always feel like it.

    Reply
    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      Thank you so much for stopping by. I’m glad Jay recommended that you stop by. She’s a great friend.

      I know why my feelings that occur when I see a surprise pregnancy occur. Its feelings of inadaquecy knowing that what those people are experiencing is something my wife and I won’t and that my body is the reason why. It’s me feeling like less of a person because of it. It’s me always believing that being a parent with my wife is who I always was. It’s a loss of my identity and not knowing how to be anything else.

      Perhaps I just do a post on this in further depth.

      Reply
  13. kiftsgate

    I think it would be sad if childless people left the community. They need support just like everyone else, if not more.
    As much as I agree that pregnant ladies/couples should not walk on eggshells I dont see the need to post things like scans. A pregnancy announcement is just fine with or without a showing a scan but the scan picture can be hurtful to some.
    I havr never minded people talking about pregnancy when they needed support because things were difficult but I don’t understand what complaints about normal pregnancy and motherhood things (e.g. morning sickness or lack of sleep) have to do in an interfertility community. They make like hard for lots of people and I do feel that it is atuff that becomes part of normal post-infertility life.. there is always a possibility to talk through DM or other.
    I feel that people who have a strong need to talk about maternity and babies or pregnancy (e.g. shopping and so on) should maybe consider moving to other circles. But not childless people who need support.
    Sorry if this opinion seems too strong. It’s just what I think..
    Whatever you decide I hope you can find the support you need.
    Big hug!

    Reply
    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      Thank you so much for your perspective. I don’t feel its strong at all. I feel that its very real.

      Best wishes to you in 2015 and beyond.

      Reply
  14. loribeth

    Here from Cristy’s blog. Like some of the others above, I must respectfully disagree with your statement that those of us living childless/free after infertility & loss don’t belong in the broader ALI community. We have more than earned our place here. The hard truth is that, despite the availability of a growing number of treatment options, as well as adoption, not everyone will walk away from this process with a baby. I know it’s scary for those still in the trenches to acknowledge this, but the more we are able to “normalize” this option as part of the ALI continuum, the less scary it will seem to those who reach this point in their journey. I firmly believe there are a lot more of us out there than our numbers on blogs and message boards, etc., would indicate, and the more of us who write and speak up about our experiences, the better for those who will follow us.

    I do think it’s true that we are a marginalized group within the larger community — which came through loud & clear during a previous upheaval in the community a few years back (see my blog post then: http://theroadlesstravelledlb.blogspot.ca/2012/03/healing-salon-comment.html ). It’s not fun being the black sheep of the family, another blogger’s worst nightmare come to life. It’s tiring to have to continually remind people that, hello, we are here too, and we have a point of view that deserves to be heard & respected. But our numbers and voices are growing stronger and clearer all the time. That’s a good thing.

    I am not a regular reader of your blog (until now anyway…!), & I don’t know how long it’s been since you & your wife opted to stop ttc. I think most of us in this situation will continue to have some sadness or even bitterness about not having children, from time to time. I still find myself rolling my eyes or making sarcastic comments (in private) when I think someone is taking their pregnancy or parenthood a little too much for granted. I still find myself unexpectedly tearing up at inconvenient times and places.

    But it does get easier in time. Really. 🙂 All the best to you both.

    Reply
    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      Thank you so much for your feedback. It isn’t so much that I don’t think we have earned our place here. It’s that the nature of their being too many triggers in this community make it uncomfortable for people like us.

      Reply
      1. loribeth

        I think you will find that, in time, those triggers will diminish. Not disappear completely, but not cause as much pain, or happen as frequently. While I do still follow bloggers who are still ttc or parenting after infertility &/or loss, most of them are bloggers that I’ve been reading for a while. I will admit that I don’t follow too many newer bloggers going through ttc these days — not so much because I find their posts painful or triggering anymore, but I just don’t have a lot of interest in the minute details of ttc or pregnancy these days. But a lot depends on the blogger and how they write. Obviously, if we want parents to listen to us and what we have to say and support us, we need to be prepared to listen/read and support them as well.

      2. gsmwc02 Post author

        While I’m a firm believer that everyone is worthy of support in the infertility community, I don’t believe it should be a requirement for us to receive support from parents. They are the ones who are privileged and have their happy ending. They should be the ones who use that privilege to help others.

        This is why I love someone like the person I referred to in this post. She could have easily walked after she had her son but instead she stuck around to help others. There are many who walk away from the infertility community after they get their happy ending either to avoid going back to that deep dark place or because they forget where they came from.

        I support those who have children after infertility not because I expect their support in return but because it’s the right thing to do in this community.

    2. Jamie

      Thank you for sharing your comments, too, Lori! You are another great model of support I have found within the IF community. Thank you!

      Reply
  15. Pingback: What Lies Beneath | A Few Pieces Missing From Normalcy – An Infertile Man's Perspective

  16. the misfit

    I came here after reading Pamela’s blog post. I’m childless, two years post-ending-treatment. My husband and I have no plans to adopt and are focusing our lives elsewhere. I am healing and the pain of former triggers is waning, but I’m sure it will never go away entirely.

    I think there are two answers to your question. The first is the answer on behalf of the community: it needs us to stay, for all of the reasons wisely discussed above. The second is my answer: where is this childless-infertile island of which you speak, and when does the next boat leave for there? If diverting into such a subgroup were possible, I would do so immediately. Since I started my blog five years ago, I have not merely been abandoned by all of my initial comrades-in-arms: they have turned into sources of additional pain for me. As it must ever be; but I think I am supposed to pretend this is not happening, so no one else feels uncomfortable. When I started blogging, the blog posts I read (and some of those I wrote) were full of “I don’t know whether I can make myself go to work some mornings, it’s so hard to watch the pregnant woman at the next desk rubbing her belly. I am plunging into depression.” Like other commenters, I would offer my empathy. These feelings were expressed in the blogosphere because it was a safe space; such things could not be said IRL. As time wore on, and I would go to start a new post, I realized that the rage-inducing (or very often grief-inducing) episode I wanted to get off my chest and (greedy person that I am!) receive some empathy for – was usually a complaint about insensitivity from another blogger. This, of course, could not be expressed in the blogosphere. And naturally it still couldn’t be expressed IRL, either. (On a few occasions, I went crazy and complained about another blogger anyway, if I felt the behavior had been egregious. I learned that in the IF blogosphere, there’s far more energy to defend pregnant women from the childless than the other way around.) The community I had come to to find understanding for my struggles had ceased to offer such understanding; in exchange, it had added a mountain of new struggles I wouldn’t have experienced if I hadn’t had a blog. So if you’re suggesting there’s a place I could share my difficulties and find anyone who empathized – and let me make clear that there is NO SUCH OPPORTUNITY IN MY LIFE, with a very few places online (Pamela’s blog being one of them) – then I would be there fast enough to make your head spin.

    Pamela has raised this point on her blog, but let me also throw in to say: there is seeking support, and there is consciousness-raising. Seeking support when you are truly suffering is a posture of extreme vulnerability. Consciousness-raising starts from a position of strength. I’m an attorney and I’m confrontational and aggressive (per Myers-Briggs!) but I have learned painfully clearly that I cannot advocate for a cause while I seek solace – not at the same time. Sure, childless-post-IF women (and men) can conduct a little training seminar for parents on how to be kind to us. But we can’t do that WHILE we’re most keenly needing that kindness. Nobody can do that. NOBODY. In the very best-case scenario, we could find a source of support that is ACTUALLY SUPPORTIVE, that helps us heal, and use that added strength to teach other people how to treat us well, thus making the world a better place. But in my experience of the online IF world (which I admit does not include Twitter to date), the first and most critical part of that equation – support for the childless – is not to be found.

    So I say: no wonder there were childless folks enraged by a pregnancy announcement. The lady in question may be a wonderful one, but I’ll admit it would cheer my cold heart to see childless IF folks attacking a pregnant woman even if they were cruel. I feel like the last survivor of the zombie apocalypse: it’s nice to hear my tribe even exists any more.

    Reply
    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      That’s a great point that Pam brings up and it kinda ties into my thought. Because we are struggling we may not be in the best position to offer others support.

      Sending you strength on your journey and appreciate you stopping by.

      Reply
    2. Mali

      I think there is a childless/no kids subgroup within the IF community, and it is possible to dwell there without interacting with those still ttcing or those parenting after infertility, if that’s what you want. There are many bloggers (I have 44 No Kids bloggers on my regular feed, and I’ve just added yours and Greg’s to that list) who are writing about the post-IF No Kids phase of their lives, how they’re coping with it, and giving and receiving support to others in the same situation. I hope you can find us – through Pamela’s blog list or Loribeth’s, or Lisa’s Life Without Baby, or my No Kidding blog, or Mel’s (The Stirrup Queens) blogroll (though she’s not a No Kids blogger), and many more. I hope we will see you around, and you won’t feel so alone.

      Reply
  17. Pingback: Am I “Nuts” for Re-Opening Closed Doors? | A Few Pieces Missing From Normalcy – An Infertile Man's Perspective

  18. ellynhopes

    I am going to keep you and K in my prayers. Sadly, friends do not always stay. Our daughter died of a horrible rare disease. It was never to happen again. Then another child was stillborned the same rare disease. In 2009, we were the first case. We are more than our genes. I ended up with breast cancer waiting for genetic tests, I saved nothing. We broke the world record. All I can say is our situation was going on for 11 years. We had a lot of time to sort choices out. There couldn’t be any acciendental pregnancies here. We ran the risk of loosing a baby to the same terrible disease. I am here if you want to hear how I reached my decision.

    Reply
  19. Pingback: It’s not you It’s me | A Few Pieces Missing From Normalcy – An Infertile Man's Perspective

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s