Am I “Nuts” for Re-Opening Closed Doors?

The last month has been as rough as it’s been in the two plus years we’ve dealt with infertility. The decision that we would not be pursuing adoption started it, followed by anniversary triggers, then some surprise pregnancy announcements followed by a big pregnancy announcement that I had been waiting for.

The big pregnancy announcement was a great friend of mine and his wife. This is a college friend that I’ve known for almost 17 years. A friend who changed my life forever by introducing me to K. A friend who two years ago after I told him of our infertility diagnosis invited K & I to the Bahamas with him and his wife to get away from things. He is a special friend who means the world to me. I couldn’t be more happy for him and his wife who I know will be great parents. But at the same time it’s a reminder of being the one left out. Everyone has moved on with their lives while K & I are living the exact same way. I feel left out and that we no longer have things in common with friends in our lives. It’s sad and frustrating for me going to the deepest darkest pain that infertility has brought me.

The frustration its brought me is that I don’t know what to do next. I’ve tried to move on by trying different things to bring me joy and it has helped but something is missing. A big thing that’s holding me back is the feeling that K & I never tried passing on infertility treatments, third party reproduction and adopting. Also, I don’t feel like we went through this together.

Because the grief and pain that infertility brought me I pushed my wife away as I became so obsessed with finding ways for us to become parents. The feeling that we didn’t go through this together was influence by my impatience and obsession with becoming parents. It’s something I recognize now though I can’t change the past.

What I can do is change the present and future. Yesterday I got thinking about things I’ve written against doing for some time. I’ve written how hope and miracles are all bullshit and that conception isn’t an exact science. I’ve argued that believing in hope doesn’t impact the outcome of ones journey. Well now I get to be a hypocrite and say that I’m going to take a leap of faith and re-open a closed door and explore treating my infertility.

For those of you who don’t know my infertility is a result of non obstructive azoospermia. The non obstructive azoospermia more specifically is a result of a Y Chromosome Microdeletion in the AZFb and AZFc regions. The only known way for a man with Y Chromosome Microdeletions to conceive a child is for a biopsy to be done and an attempt for sperm to be extracted. With the Microdeletions I have there has never been a reported case of sperm being found in a man even through extraction. Two years ago I passed on having a biopsy to be done because of the odds of finding anything, the chance that even if there was anything found I would have passed the condition onto a male child and we still had the door open on third party reproduction. One way or another I felt that we’d become parents someday.

Two years later with the doors closed on non biological parenthood and me not being able to move forward I think it’s time to go back and explore my infertility to gain closure on it. I don’t know what the end result will be. Sure the odds are not in our favor even if they find something who knows what they would be able to find and the condition of it. If we get to that point visiting a geneticist would be part of the process. Then you have to factor in that even if everything is ok there then there is the whole conception part. It’s a billion to one shot. It would take a miracle for it to happen. But if it is going to happen, why not K & I be the ones who it happened to? I’m hopeful that if it is possible it could be us. Not that our situation is the same but there are so many couples that have a small chance of having kids who end up beating the odds. It doesn’t guarantee it will happen for us but it gives me hope that it could.

I would give both of my nuts to either gain closure in whether we become parents and becoming parents. I literally will be sacrificing my nuts to the infertility gods as insane as that sounds. I’m scared shitless of what we will have to go through to do that as I’ve never had a surgery before. The potential outcome is scary as well. Though the pre infertility me that still exists deep down believes that I can do it, K can do it and most importantly we can do it together. Two years ago I don’t think we could have done it together but now I am confident we can do it the right way together.

I’m a big Rocky fan obviously being Italian and short thinking that I’m more capable than others believe. I feel like this is going to be like Rocky III where Rocky gets knocked out by Clubber Lang and has to reinvent himself as a fighter drops weight becoming quicker, stronger and more mentally tough. He takes a chance and even though he’s afraid he goes for it not knowing what will happen but comes out on top in the end. I am scared of infertility it has knocked me out but I am going to get back up and take it on one last time.

This isn’t going to be easy. This will be very hard and likely will be all for not. I’m going to be positive and hopeful that regardless of the outcome everything will be ok in the end for us as a couple. Does that make me nuts? Maybe, but but this Italian Stallion would rather be nuts and know rather than always wonder what might have been if we took a chance.

P.S. I welcome all types of comments including ones that bring humor to this situation. I’m always up for a good laugh and have learned that humor is a great way to get through tough times in life. πŸ™‚

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34 thoughts on “Am I “Nuts” for Re-Opening Closed Doors?

  1. rightingme

    I don’t think it makes you nuts at all. I think it’s a sign you’re being honest with yourself and your pain. You’re not fighting it. You’re working with it. Sending hope that you will be the one case. πŸ™‚ And if you’re not then I hope it helps you feel more like you tried or did something toward your dream of parenting.

    Reply
  2. kiftsgate

    I don’t think you nuts at all. It’s good to do things that make you progress, one way or another.
    I didn’t know you were Italian. Do you speak Italian?

    Reply
  3. Kitten

    I don’t think it makes you crazy or a hypocrite to revisit your diagnosis and possible treatments. You’re not crazy or a hypocrite for having hope that you could conceive. I mean, you never actually tried anything in the past, so there’s the potential for just about anything. I’ve been there myself: look how many women get pregnant the cycle before starting IVF. That could happen to me! It didn’t, but I had hope that it might. I think it’s great that you have hope. You have reason to.

    Reply
    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      None of this is an exact science. You just don’t know unless you try. I don’t know what the ending will be but I have hope it will all be ok. πŸ™‚

      Reply
  4. A Calm Persistence

    This.. “But if it is going to happen, why not K & I be the ones who it happened to? I’m hopeful that if it is possible it could be us. Not that our situation is the same but there are so many couples that have a small chance of having kids who end up beating the odds. It doesn’t guarantee it will happen for us but it gives me hope that it could.” This is why you have my complete support. Why not you and K? I often think that about T and I too. Why not us? Seriously though, I know a part of you is scared, but I can 100% see why you need to to this. Wishing you all the best!

    Reply
  5. Angela Bergmann

    I don’t think you are nuts at all. Someone breaks the status quo all the time. Why can’t it be you and K? I think all of us chasing treatment and diagnosis have that thought. If nothing else, I think it will help in giving you closure and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

    Reply
  6. Lisa

    Not nuts! I think it’s important to do what you need to do in order to feel at peace. I admire you for taking your parents’ sense of closure into consideration, too. You have so much support no matter what you decide!

    Reply
  7. clwalchevill

    I seriously wish I had the gift of humor, but the best I’ve got are knock-knock jokes. Trust me, better left unsaid.

    One of the beauties of us living our own lives is we get to reopen closed doors. Even when we’ve previously proclaimed there was no way in hell we would. I have a background in genetics and I’ve been learning more about your condition. Though I haven’t been down this road, I know medically what is ahead for you. And I will say that this decision is one that requires a lot of bravery. But I also believe that infertility can bring people together, especially partners that walk side-by-side through all these steps. Just being able to do that is rare and speaks worlds about your relationship with K.

    I’m thinking of you as you begin this part of your journey. No matter what lies ahead, I will be cheering you on and rooting for team G&K.

    Reply
    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      LOL, thanks Cristy. I may end up reaching out to you on the genetics side of things as it is a big part of the picture if by some chance something is able to be extracted.

      Reply
  8. lifeasinfertile

    I’m all out rooting for you!! I think it’s just part and parcel of life. We made some strong decisions on this then we experience, tried, we change course, it’s all very normal. I feel that you are very brave to move forward the way you are going. Wishing you strength for the upcoming!!

    Reply
  9. Arwen

    Rest assured you will have many, many IF brothers and sisters rooting for you both! I am so glad this is a possibility, no matter how remote a chance it may offer, at the moment it does just that: offer a chance!

    Reply
  10. NotSoNewtoIVF

    I think this makes perfect sense. I know our situations are totally different but after 4 years ttc and 4 failed ivf cycles I conceived naturally in august….If someone told me this would happen this time last year I would have laughed in their face and told them to not to try to fill me with false hope…basically I’m saying miracles can and do happen. I hope so much it happens for you xxx

    Reply
  11. the misfit

    I am anti-hope but I am a big proponent of PEACE. I definitely think some people drive themselves to insanity never knowing when to draw the line. The usual error is to try way too many things, keep fighting long after it’s just doing harm. I think that’s partly peer pressure and partly a lot of things. But I think there’s a right place for each of us to say, “Enough.” Whatever the outcome has been at that point – recognizing that boundary means peace. It sounds like you’ve recognized that you need to try this procedure to feel that you’ve done what you should do (win or lose), and thereby find peace. I hope that you do become parents. But I have to say – I come from a very, very messed-up family. I have seen first-hand what it means to have kids (maybe more than you can handle) but be a complete mess. It’s cost me a lot to get here, but I say: kids are great, but peace is ESSENTIAL. Here’s hoping you find both. But if you can have just one…well, you know.

    Reply
  12. A.

    As someone who pursued IVF long after being regarded as some kind of desperado and who did so not with the expectation of actually getting pregnant (after growing accustomed to failure) but to get to the bottom of the mystery so I could walk away feeling like I’d done everything in my power and it wasn’t my ‘fault,’ I really really get this reopening of a door. I had also sort of come to the realization that I was not emotionally built for non-genetic children, so playing against the IVF odds until we had a clear answer became the only option for me. (Although, who knows what I would have revisited myself, given time, if things had worked out differently.) I hope this pursuit leaves you in a better place than you started, however it shakes out.

    Reply
    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      Thank you so much. I’m so glad that taking your chance paid off.

      I just recently found your blog and appreciate you stopping by. If by some small chance there is something that can be extracted and IVF is on the table, we’ll likely be going through the same clinic that you did. Best wishes on your journey.

      Reply
      1. A.

        The urologist they recommend is Dr. Seamen. We didn’t love him the most of the ones we saw. I highly recommend Peter Schlagel @ Cornell in NYC – premier in his field!

      2. A.

        Didn’t mean to leave you hanging here! If you give me an address, I can email you with mine. I don’t like to post it.

  13. Pingback: How life would be different if not for Infertility | A Few Pieces Missing From Normalcy – An Infertile Man's Perspective

  14. Sk

    What was your end result? My husband and I recently found he has AZFb deletion. We didn’t continue with any further tests because the doctor said noone has ever found any sperm.

    Reply

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