Being in Denial when you’re Depressed

I think anyone who goes through infertility experiences the bi polar emotions that come with it.  If you weren’t bi polar before infertility you experience it during infertility.   In the last six months I’ve gone through at least two high periods of feeling great and two periods of feeling awful.  Right now I’m in one of those low periods of feeling awful.  But it’s more than just feeling awful, I think I’m in denial that I’m depressed.

For me depression isn’t where I can’t get out of bed and perform everyday tasks.  Instead it’s me going through the motions of everyday life but lacking energy, lacking happiness in the good in my life, lacking motivation and wanting to be alone.  It’s having a hopelessness approach to life and feeling like this is what it is and there is nothing I can do about it.   Right now I’m experiencing all of this.

I’m able to get up everyday and do what I have to do but I’m not able to go beyond that.  I lack energy and motivation.  Despite me landing a new job within my company that I’ve wanted for the last year and after six weeks of physical therapy now I’m running again, I’m not able to enjoy those things because I’m just down in the dumps about things in other parts of my life.   Getting back into running is both a good and bad thing.  It helps with my self confidence but also gives me time alone to think about things which puts me in an even worse mood. I just want to be alone rather than surrounded by people even those closest to me.  I’m not hopeful any longer that things can change.  Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is getting harder to see.

All of this points to me being depressed.  I don’t want to admit it out loud to those in my life (though I’ll definitely bring it up with my therapist).  I was in denial that I wasn’t depressed for months.  But it’s something that I’m just now recognizing.  Maybe I had trouble recognizing it because unlike two years ago, I do have things in my life that are going well.  Unlike two years ago I’m more physically active and have activities that I didn’t have two years ago.  That still doesn’t change the fact that I’m not a parent and my body is the reason why I’m not a parent.  I feel like a lesser person because of it.  I won’t have any legacy that I will pass on.  I feel like I’m not supposed to have a legacy that is worthy of being passed on.  If there was I would have been born with the ability to do so.

I know some of you are wondering whether I’ve made an appointment with the urologist for a second opinion. The answer to that is not yet.  It’s been on hold due to things going on in my life that I can’t get into on this blog.  But I will be making that appointment at some point.  That could be the thing that turns things around but it could also be the thing that sends me to a deep dark place that I never get out of.

Right now I don’t believe I can or want to live a childless life.  Sure others have lived fulfilling lives w/out children so I’m not going to deny its possible for someone who is infertile to live a fulfilling life w/out having kids.  I would be disrespectful to those who have.  The idea of being childless forever with no legacy has me depressed and I don’t know how to get out of this depression.  I’m hoping I can but two years later when nothing has changed on the becoming a parent front it’s impossible to think that it ever will change.

21 thoughts on “Being in Denial when you’re Depressed

  1. Justine Froelker

    I am so sorry it is so dark right now. I know that darkness all too well. For me, and I believe for you too, our legacy has nothing to do with biological children we leave on this earth. Our legacy is in how we leave people feeling and forever changed because of how we survived, thrived and loved. You can get there, I promise. Sending you love, light, strength, clarity and healing. Justine

  2. rightingme

    I could have written this at several points in my journey. There are still days these bits of darkness creep in and overwhelm me. I’m so sorry you’re in the midst of this right now. Sending thoughts of comfort and hope for one foot in front of the other until something gives to give you a clearer path to what you need in this life.

  3. andthewindscreamsmary

    I’m so sorry you are having a tough time. I can relate to how you feel – going through the everyday motions. I hope that when you talk it through with your therapist you are able to get some insight and tools on how to move forward/through it. Recognizing the depression itself is a big step. Wishing you lots of strength and light.

  4. Mali

    ” … I don’t know how to get out of this depression.” Not knowing how to get out of it makes it so hard. Wondering if you will feel this way forever is terrifying. So I’m glad you’re going to talk to your therapist about this. I wish in hindsight that I had sought help, because it can take a lot of effort (and time) to get out of this. You know that I believe you will climb out of this into the light – but it isn’t easy, and with other options still open, you’re not there yet.

  5. clwalchevill

    I’ve been in a similar spot and have written similar posts. It sucks beyond measure to be experiencing this type of depression. I won’t give you advice or tell you how to get out of it because what works for one person doesn’t apply universally. But I will say this: I’m here, supporting you. Be it listening or reaching out through the Internet to give you a virtual hug. You are not alone in this. Sending love to you during this period.

  6. Lauren

    No real words of wisdom, friend, but I’m sorry you’ve been so down. Wish your SD trip had worked out so we’d met up for that coffee! I think you’re doing a great job at articulating your feelings, maintaining boundaries, and taking care of yourself. I hope you get good news soon.

  7. the misfit

    Gosh this sounds so familiar. Yes, that’s depression. No, I’ve not been smart enough to recognize it myself when I’ve been in it. I wish I had been seeing my therapist when last I found myself there. So, I don’t know what the tools are to get out of this (other than gritting your teeth and waiting it out) but I would be interested to hear what s/he recommends if you are willing to share. (Actually, for me getting the hypothyroidism treated helped; but it was probably not enough by itself. It was a fight.) You will be in my prayers.

    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      It’s really hard to recognize it. I think the things you can do are to pick yourself up and recognize where the feelings are coming from. Best wishes to you.

  8. kiftsgate

    It sounds familiar to me too. Last year a friend told me I looked ok and healthy but that my eyes had lost their sparkles. I think there are so many degrees of depression that you can be depressed even when you perform well and smile and manage to look normal. Those who know you well will spot the difference..
    Hope somehow things improve. Take care of yourself!

    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      Those who know me well have spotted the difference in me and told me that. You are so right. I hope to one day get to where you are heading. Thanks.

  9. Geochick (@geochick_1)

    When I started therapy, it was because I was having “trouble” juggling parenthood and work. (ok, so yes, on the other side). 5 appointments in and I had a prescription for an S.S.R.I to fill because my hippy dippy therapist recognized the pattern of clinical depression in me. 5 appointments was all it took. Here’s the thing, I didn’t get help when I needed it the most, when everything totally sucked and we were fighting through the infertility and then riding out adoption. Now that I have the tools to deal, plus a little serotonin boost for my brain, I wish so so bad that I could turn back time and recognize I was desperately depressed and needed help the night I left S downtown with all of our friends at a party that I PLANNED because I was enraged at….nothing. You know you need to pursue this, so do it. And don’t make major decisions about your life until you get treated. It’s not fair to yourself or to anyone else who is struggling with the direction to go.

    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      Some good advice I was given recently by a close friend was not to do anything rash. It’s really hard to avoid it when you feel so lost. I’m so sorry that you went through that but glad to hear you were able to work through it.


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