I think anyone who goes through infertility experiences the bi polar emotions that come with it. If you weren’t bi polar before infertility you experience it during infertility. In the last six months I’ve gone through at least two high periods of feeling great and two periods of feeling awful. Right now I’m in one of those low periods of feeling awful. But it’s more than just feeling awful, I think I’m in denial that I’m depressed.
For me depression isn’t where I can’t get out of bed and perform everyday tasks. Instead it’s me going through the motions of everyday life but lacking energy, lacking happiness in the good in my life, lacking motivation and wanting to be alone. It’s having a hopelessness approach to life and feeling like this is what it is and there is nothing I can do about it. Right now I’m experiencing all of this.
I’m able to get up everyday and do what I have to do but I’m not able to go beyond that. I lack energy and motivation. Despite me landing a new job within my company that I’ve wanted for the last year and after six weeks of physical therapy now I’m running again, I’m not able to enjoy those things because I’m just down in the dumps about things in other parts of my life. Getting back into running is both a good and bad thing. It helps with my self confidence but also gives me time alone to think about things which puts me in an even worse mood. I just want to be alone rather than surrounded by people even those closest to me. I’m not hopeful any longer that things can change. Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is getting harder to see.
All of this points to me being depressed. I don’t want to admit it out loud to those in my life (though I’ll definitely bring it up with my therapist). I was in denial that I wasn’t depressed for months. But it’s something that I’m just now recognizing. Maybe I had trouble recognizing it because unlike two years ago, I do have things in my life that are going well. Unlike two years ago I’m more physically active and have activities that I didn’t have two years ago. That still doesn’t change the fact that I’m not a parent and my body is the reason why I’m not a parent. I feel like a lesser person because of it. I won’t have any legacy that I will pass on. I feel like I’m not supposed to have a legacy that is worthy of being passed on. If there was I would have been born with the ability to do so.
I know some of you are wondering whether I’ve made an appointment with the urologist for a second opinion. The answer to that is not yet. It’s been on hold due to things going on in my life that I can’t get into on this blog. But I will be making that appointment at some point. That could be the thing that turns things around but it could also be the thing that sends me to a deep dark place that I never get out of.
Right now I don’t believe I can or want to live a childless life. Sure others have lived fulfilling lives w/out children so I’m not going to deny its possible for someone who is infertile to live a fulfilling life w/out having kids. I would be disrespectful to those who have. The idea of being childless forever with no legacy has me depressed and I don’t know how to get out of this depression. I’m hoping I can but two years later when nothing has changed on the becoming a parent front it’s impossible to think that it ever will change.