Looking back to Move Forward 

It took me two months to finally do it but I have scheduled my appointment with a new urologist to seek a second opinion.  I will be going on April 22nd.  Unfortunately this urologist is out of my insurance’s network but he is one of the best in his field and I have HSA dollars saved up to cover the out of pocket costs.  Of the things I’m dealing with the money is the least of my worries.  

Coming to terms with being depressed has been hard.  Doing it while going for a second opinion is even harder.  Locating my test results from two years ago and looking at them brought back all of the worst feelings I felt two years.  It brought back the bad memories of how it all went down from the negative semen analysis to getting the calls at work with my test results that brought my world down and changed my life forever.  
Looking back on that has brought back my worst nightmare going back to that deep dark place I was in 2 years ago.  This was all back before I blogged here and connected with so many wonderful friends on Twitter.  Back then I was numb and in shock.  Sure I was sad but I was still processing the level of hurt I was in.  Prior to the first urologist I saw I remember having my first therapist appointment (the first in a seven month stretch) and telling the therapist that all I was looking for was a little bit of hope and a chance that K & I could conceive a child some how. 
This time around I’m more aware of what I’m feeling and why I’m feeling it.  I am scared about this appointment.  I am scared I will be told the same news that there is nothing that can be done.  All the research out there says the recommendations won’t be any different.  I don’t know how I can deal with knowing the only option we have on the table won’t happen.  Two years ago with donor sperm and adoption on the table I felt better knowing we had other options.  
I’ve thought about it a lot lately and I don’t think I can live childless for the rest of my life.  There is nothing wrong with living childless, I just don’t think I can do it and I don’t want to do it.  The fear of this continues to enter my head and has made it hard for me to be hopeful.
I want to experience a positive pregnancy test with K and hold her while we soak in the moment.  I want her to experience a pregnancy and to be there for her and take care of her throughout the journey.  I want to create and build a nursery with her as we prepare for the arrival of the child. I want to hold her hand during the birth of the child and look into her beautiful blue eyes.  I want all of the challenges of parenthood and to take them on with her.  I want to raise a child with her and have that child become the adult that they want to and were meant to become.
I know sometimes in life you can’t always get what you want but having a child with someone you love seems like such a basic concept that the majority of adults experience.  Knowing that my body is the reason why that can’t happen for us makes me like less of a person.  It makes me feel like I’m not good enough or strong enough to pass down a legacy to the next generation.  It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me.
Right now all I can do is hope that we are given some hope and a chance on April 22nd.  But based on past experience it’s really hard to have hope.  
On a side note I would like to thank Jay from thetwoweekwait who was kind enough to look into urology practices that specialize in my condition and connect me to the practice I will be going to.  You are a great friend and a special person in the infertility community fighting for us all.
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21 thoughts on “Looking back to Move Forward 

  1. Arwen

    Oh Greg this made me tear up. I know that our diagnoses are (obviously!) different but I have felt so much of what you feel with regards to all this infertility shit being because of your body. Before we decided to look into surrogacy my husband had also ruled out adoption and I was facing a lot of what you have been facing. I know how impossible it is, and how dangerous it feels, to hope so I will be here across the pond, hoping for you.

    Reply
  2. hopingonhope

    I am so sorry. This post made me cry for you. I have been there and I know its a shitty place(I have potty mouth, sorry). I wish I could say stuff like “don’t worry, it will happen”, but I know when facing a diagnosis as severe, even hope is hard. I will pray for you, at least to give you strength to bear whatever comes your way. I have just recently started following your blog, so please pardon my insensitive question, but have you tried any alternate medicine?

    Reply
    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      Go ahead and curse away. I let it flow and will occasional drop in a fuck, shit or whatever. 🙂

      Your question isn’t insensitive at all. Definitely ask away. My condition is caused by a genetic condition I was born with. I am not sure if altenate medicine is an option but I will definitely ask the urologist for any options that I can try if there is any bit of hope in his analysis.

      Thank you so much for stopping by. Best wishes on your journey.

      Reply
      1. hopingonhope

        Thank you . If its genetic, then there would be a lot of childless couples in your family history. If there aren’t any, then there is hope. Fingers crossed for the best outcome!

      2. gsmwc02 Post author

        Its a rare genetic condition that happened when I was conceived where there are missing pieces of my Y Chromosome that are responsible for sperm production. It’s even unlikely that my brother has the same condition according to the studies I’ve read. It’s a really strange fluke that thus far there is no explanation for and very little research has been done on it.

        Thank you so much.

  3. My Perfect Breakdown

    Greg, so much of what your shared hear resonates with me. Like you, my body is our problem. If my body worked properly, we would be able to sustain a pregnancy. I’ve worked really hard to recognize that while it is my body causing us the problem, it is also not my choice. Recognizing this difference really helps me understand that I am not less of a person, just that my body is not working the way it should, in the same way that someone who has diabetes or heart disease does not have a body that works correctly. I share this because when someone pointed this out to me, it really did help me see things differently.
    And I’ll be hoping that April 22 goes well for you. I’ll be hoping that the new doctor has some new ideas that work for you and K!

    Reply
    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      It really sucks what we were born with. In my mind I know that I didn’t cause my infertility but in my heart and emotions I feel responsible for it. It’s all really tough because of how hard I am on myself to begin with.

      I’m hoping for you as well.

      Reply
  4. clwalchevill

    Years ago, I went in for my own second opinion. I remember being terrified as I had gotten so much bad news and wasn’t convinced anything would come from it. Truthfully, nothing novel happened during that appointment. But, we were given an option that previously was not on the table.

    I know you’re scared. These appointments dreg up so many bad memories. But I have so much hope for you with what lies ahead. Even if it’s the same information, this time around you are not alone in this process. So hang in there. Use this space to process. And know I’m rooting for you and am here to help in any way I can.

    Sending love.

    Reply
    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      Thank you so much for sharing your story and your support. I recognize that I may not have the same result but reading your story gives me hope that things can be different this time around.

      Reply
  5. the longest road

    While circumstances are a bit different, I understand where you are coming from. I am also the “problem”. It is very hard to come to terms with the gravity of that. I have an uncontrollable condition that prevents me from ever having a biological child. But I can say, for us, an egg donor was the best choice we ever made. Agian, this worked for us because we also could not see a childless future. I understands it is not an option for everyone. good luck with your appointment.

    Reply
    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      Thank you so much. I am completely open to the idea of being a parent of a non biological child be it via donor sperm or adoption. I am so glad things have worked out for you and your family. I hope that one day one way or another that we will become parents.

      Reply
  6. kiftsgate

    I think you are being very brave and hope the doctor will be able to help.
    It’s good you opened up to K. that’s what marriage is for.. it’d be a pity to keep everything inside. wish you lots of luck!!

    Reply
    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      Thank you so much. Opening up and being exposed is scary but at the same time the long term benefit is worth it. Best wishes to you as well down the home stretch. 🙂

      Reply
  7. Mali

    I wish you well, and really truly hope you get the results you’re looking for. And if you don’t, I’ll be here to help you through the next phase.

    Reply
    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      Thank you so much. Though I’ve said I don’t think I could live childless right now, I am not sure if that would change after going through a second opinion. I may not have a choice in the matter of living childless but recongize that there are many incredible resources and support on living that way. I am grateful for having connected with you and your support. Best wishes.

      Reply
    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      It is really hard Lori as you know. Thank you so much friend. I think back to almost two years ago when I first connected with you and how much you helped me. Best wishes.

      Reply

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