It took me two months to finally do it but I have scheduled my appointment with a new urologist to seek a second opinion. I will be going on April 22nd. Unfortunately this urologist is out of my insurance’s network but he is one of the best in his field and I have HSA dollars saved up to cover the out of pocket costs. Of the things I’m dealing with the money is the least of my worries.
Coming to terms with being depressed has been hard. Doing it while going for a second opinion is even harder. Locating my test results from two years ago and looking at them brought back all of the worst feelings I felt two years. It brought back the bad memories of how it all went down from the negative semen analysis to getting the calls at work with my test results that brought my world down and changed my life forever.
Looking back on that has brought back my worst nightmare going back to that deep dark place I was in 2 years ago. This was all back before I blogged here and connected with so many wonderful friends on Twitter. Back then I was numb and in shock. Sure I was sad but I was still processing the level of hurt I was in. Prior to the first urologist I saw I remember having my first therapist appointment (the first in a seven month stretch) and telling the therapist that all I was looking for was a little bit of hope and a chance that K & I could conceive a child some how.
This time around I’m more aware of what I’m feeling and why I’m feeling it. I am scared about this appointment. I am scared I will be told the same news that there is nothing that can be done. All the research out there says the recommendations won’t be any different. I don’t know how I can deal with knowing the only option we have on the table won’t happen. Two years ago with donor sperm and adoption on the table I felt better knowing we had other options.
I’ve thought about it a lot lately and I don’t think I can live childless for the rest of my life. There is nothing wrong with living childless, I just don’t think I can do it and I don’t want to do it. The fear of this continues to enter my head and has made it hard for me to be hopeful.
I want to experience a positive pregnancy test with K and hold her while we soak in the moment. I want her to experience a pregnancy and to be there for her and take care of her throughout the journey. I want to create and build a nursery with her as we prepare for the arrival of the child. I want to hold her hand during the birth of the child and look into her beautiful blue eyes. I want all of the challenges of parenthood and to take them on with her. I want to raise a child with her and have that child become the adult that they want to and were meant to become.
I know sometimes in life you can’t always get what you want but having a child with someone you love seems like such a basic concept that the majority of adults experience. Knowing that my body is the reason why that can’t happen for us makes me like less of a person. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough or strong enough to pass down a legacy to the next generation. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me.
Right now all I can do is hope that we are given some hope and a chance on April 22nd. But based on past experience it’s really hard to have hope.
On a side note I would like to thank Jay from thetwoweekwait who was kind enough to look into urology practices that specialize in my condition and connect me to the practice I will be going to. You are a great friend and a special person in the infertility community fighting for us all.