The last two years have been a roller coaster some highs and mostly lows. This year has been no different. Except this current low I’m on has brought on the worst depression I’ve faced since my infertilty diagnosis and the deepest darkest place I’ve been in since I was a teenager and went through a serious period of depression.
Lately with me appointment two weeks away I’ve gone through my mind about the fallout of a worst case scenario of being told there is nothing that can be done. I’ve had thoughts about whether there was a reason I’m not able to have children and questioning my self worth. I’ve doubted the type of person I am and that I’m just not good enough to have children. That I’m too weak and not worthy of having a legacy. That I would suck at parenting and damage the child we raised. That society is better off that I don’t become a parent.
This has led to me starting to think that there is no point to living life. I’ve accomplished all I can and there is nothing left to do. Understand I could never harm myself. I fear death already. Going down that road on my own is something I’m not strong enough to do. But I’ve gone to bed some nights thinking it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if I didn’t wake up the next day.
These thoughts go back to growing up with ADD struggling in school and socially. I never thought I was good enough. I always had high expectations of myself because no one outside of my parents thought I was capable of succeeding when challenged. Infertility has dug those feelings up as an adult only worse because unlike back then my whole life isn’t ahead of me. This is my life and without being able to have kids it tells me that once again I’m just not able to accomplish much of anything.
This all maybe just irrational thoughts for nothing and on April 22nd I find out there’s a chance we could have kids. But there’s a good chance I could be at the beginning of a middle aged depression that I never get out of. I thought I would be better prepared mentally and emotionally for this appointment than I was two years ago. But right now I don’t think I am.