There are many things infertility robs couples of that couples who don’t experience it would never understand. Even those people who are able to eventually have a child are forever changed. For those of us who aren’t able to ever have kids who don’t move forward with adoption or third party reproduction there are many things we have to come to terms with.
One of those things I have talked about on this blog is my concern about not having kids and the fear that I will leave no legacy behind when I pass. Now that it was confirmed last month that there is no chance of me being able to have biological children I’ve gone back to thinking about living life without ever becoming a parent. I’ve thought about what that life could be like. I’ve thought about how best to make the most of the worst case scenario and whether I could leave a legacy. I’ve gone through the things I “thought” could leave a legacy. Rather than dream which has just led to disappointment the last two and a half years, I was realistic.
The reality is it will be near impossible to ever leave a legacy without becoming a parent. Sure I’m a Big Brother volunteer but it’s doubtful my little will remember me as he gets older. And asking him to do so is unfair to him. That’s not the reason I volunteered in the first place. I don’t come from a big family and who knows whether my brother will get married and whether he would have kids. It’s also doubtful even if he had kids that they would care about their weird Uncle with no kids. Beyond this there really aren’t any opportunities nor will there be unless something drastically changes in my life without being a parent that will leave a legacy.
Rather than get my hopes hope and work hard for something that is near impossible I’m giving up on the idea that I can or would leave a legacy behind. I’ve gotten my hopes up too many times over the last two and a half years that things would change and worked hard only to be disappointed. I don’t want the rest of my life to be full of wasted hard work. I need to set the bar lower and have lower expectations for what I’m able to do with my life.
Last Sunday I turned 35 and reflecting back on my life where I’m at right now and what’s likely ahead of me I am trying to accept that my best days are behind me. My life peaked at 30 and it’s going to continue to go downhill or at best stay level. In not having kids I have accepted and given up on the idea of leaving behind a legacy. My bloodline will end with me, my impact on society and others will stay with just me and not passed down. It’s really hard to accept and to give up. I don’t give up or quit easily but if infertility has fought me anything is that hard work will never overcome the impossible or near impossible.