I want to start off by apologizing to those who have done their best to support me recently only for me to be difficult. Those of you on social media, those of you who have emailed me and those of you in my real life who mean more to me than anything I am sorry. I recognize that you have nothing but good intentions. I do appreciate your efforts to help me more so than I can put into words. This goes for even the people on social media who have unfollowed me. I wish you nothing but the best and apologize if I’ve offended you.
Things have been really rough for me lately. About one month ago I went on anti depressants. I was on anti depressants as a teenager and did my best to avoid going back on them. Part of it was me wanting to defeat depression on my own and not giving in. But I had tried everything and I wasn’t getting better. I’m still adjusting to it. The first week I felt worse but now I’m feeling more level yet still down.
What’s been really hard for me is beliving things will get better. Since my diagnosis two and a half years ago I’ve felt more and more out of place and feeling like I’m in remedial adulthood and can’t get out. The last of my close college friends wife gave birth on Friday night which officially made me the only childless person among the group. I don’t think I’ll be able to get together with that group again as our lives are completely different and it’s impossible to relate. It’s triggering to remind me of a life I’m unable to have due to my bodies indaquecy.
I don’t mean to sound ungrateful or that I’ve had it worse than anyone in the infertility community because I don’t think that one bit. We never had to go through treatments, miscarriages or still births. Our infertility isn’t unexplained with no answers. I can’t imagine going through any of that. In some way I think we’ve had it easy and feel weak for being so down when it could have been much worse. I really feel for those who have gone through all of that. I just feel like all of our journeys are different and saying you know how I feel isn’t completely the truth just like I don’t know how you feel.
Right now I’m not ready to feel better and that’s ok (my therapist said this is ok). Right now I want to work through these feelings hoping they pass. I want to get to a point where I’m not fighting feeling better and that I never feel like this again. I’m still trying to figure out if and how I can get to that point.
Hearing it will get better is hard cause I don’t believe it right now. I don’t want to hear what I should do or how I should be grateful for what I have or that you know someone who is childless and happy. That’s not making me feel better if any thing it’s telling me I’m doing something wrong. It’s making me doubt myself even more so than I already do.
What will help me more than anything is just knowing others are there. Knowing that I’m not alone and that I have support means more than I can put into words. At the end of the day it’s up to me to figure things out and find balance. I know there are so many that wish they could do that for me and it comes from a place of caring but that’s not possible unfortunately.
I hope that I’m not and haven’t come across as ungrateful. I’m truly appreciative of everyone’s support. I again apologize if I’ve upset or offended anyone. I hope that you can understand how I feel and what can be done to help me.
Best wishes to you all wherever you are at in your journeys.