Trying my best not to be Ungrateful 

I want to start off by apologizing to those who have done their best to support me recently  only for me to be difficult.  Those of you on social media, those of you who have emailed me and those of you in my real life who mean more to me than anything I am sorry.  I recognize that you have nothing but good intentions.  I do appreciate your efforts to help me more so than I can put into words.  This goes for even the people on social media who have unfollowed me.  I wish you nothing but the best and apologize if I’ve offended you.

Things have been really rough for me lately.  About one month ago I went on anti depressants.  I was on anti depressants as a teenager and did my best to avoid going back on them.  Part of it was me wanting to defeat depression on my own and not giving in.  But I had tried everything and I wasn’t getting better.  I’m still adjusting to it.  The first week I felt worse but now I’m feeling more level yet still down.  

What’s been really hard for me is beliving things will get better.  Since my diagnosis two and a half years ago I’ve felt more and more out of place and feeling like I’m in remedial adulthood and can’t get out.  The last of my close college friends wife gave birth on Friday night which officially made me the only childless person among the group.  I don’t think I’ll be able to get together with that group again as our lives are completely different and it’s impossible to relate.  It’s triggering to remind me of a life I’m unable to have due to my bodies indaquecy.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful or that I’ve had it worse than anyone in the infertility community because I don’t think that one bit.  We never had to go through treatments, miscarriages or still births.  Our infertility isn’t unexplained with no answers.  I can’t imagine going through any of that.  In some way I think we’ve had it easy and feel weak for being so down when it could have been much worse.  I really feel for those who have gone through all of that.  I just feel like all of our journeys are different and saying you know how I feel isn’t completely the truth just like I don’t know how you feel.

Right now I’m not ready to feel better and that’s ok (my therapist said this is ok).  Right now I want to work through these feelings hoping they pass.  I want to get to a point where I’m not fighting feeling better and that I never feel like this again.  I’m still trying to figure out if and how I can get to that point.

Hearing it will get better is hard cause I don’t believe it right now.  I don’t want to hear what I should do or how I should be grateful for what I have or that you know someone who is childless and happy.  That’s not making me feel better if any thing it’s telling me I’m doing something wrong.  It’s making me doubt myself even more so than I already do.

What will help me more than anything is just knowing others are there.  Knowing that I’m not alone and that I have support means more than I can put into words.  At the end of the day it’s up to me to figure things out and find balance.  I know there are so many that wish they could do that for me and it comes from a place of caring but that’s not possible unfortunately.

I hope that I’m not and haven’t come across as ungrateful.  I’m truly appreciative of everyone’s support.  I again apologize if I’ve upset or offended anyone.  I hope that you can understand how I feel and what can be done to help me.

Best wishes to you all wherever you are at in your journeys.

31 thoughts on “Trying my best not to be Ungrateful 

  1. hopingonhope

    Well you certainly havent offended me one bit 🙂 ( if I was on your list at all lol). You keep writing and feeling whatever you feel like, most of us are here to listen.

  2. Sondra

    I agree that you shouldn’t have to apologize for how you’re feeling. I don’t always know what to say, so sometimes I just don’t but I’m here. You’re right others really don’t know how you feel with your situation, but they know what it’s like to feel helpless, defeated, without options. I agree that it’s okay to cope how you need to and it’s okay to not be okay. One of the biggest mistakes I made after my 3rd miscarriage was pretending that I was okay. I wasn’t, which lead me down a whole path of self-defeat and depression. I wasn’t okay and I didn’t have to be. You don’t have to be okay. I think your taking the right steps to cope, but take as much time as you need. I’m sorry people unfollowed you. I always thought that infertility has a way of showing you who is there. I guess now you know. I know it doesn’t make it any easier. I was unfollowed when I was going through my 4th miscarriage and it broke my heart. ❤ Sending you love. Take all the time you need and we don't need an apology.

    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      I am so sorry that happened to you. That’s so cruel that you were left in a time of need. The best thing you can say if you want to say something to me is just saying that you are there and wishing me the best (something like that).

  3. Isabelle

    It’s very tough when you are in a dark place. I was in a dark place a couple of months back. It felt like everything was so grim and nothing and no one could make it right. Forcing myself out of it when I was not ready would have been a disaster though. I agree with your therapist. It’s okay not to be okay. It’s important to let yourself feel the real feelings and acknowledge them. I agree with Sondra. Although we don’t know exactly what you are going through, many of us have gone to very dark places. I am happy that you know that people who support you are there. Sending you love.

  4. clwalchevill

    Echoing what others have said. You’re in a difficult place in your journey. I won’t even pretend to know what you’re dealing with. But I will say I am impressed that you’re taking steps to take care of yourself and are being so mindful of what you need. You’re absolutely right: it’s okay to be where you are and you don’t have to focus on feeling better. Do what you need to do and feel what you need to feel. In the meantime I’m following along and offering support and love.

  5. expecting to be expecting

    I don’t feel an ungrateful vibe and I definitely don’t look down on you or feel offended with you for expressing what sounds like to me, is extreme frustration, grief (for what has happened and what might have been) and sadness, underneath all that, anger. All of it justified, imho.

    The last couple of times I was pregnant I knew things were going south and I was headed for a miscarriage. Everyone around me, even fellow bloggers, tried to cheer me up and say, no, it’s not happening again. But each time it was. That made me feel angry but I didn’t know how to express it without seeming ungrateful and a lot of times I had to put in clauses like: please don’t comment and tell me it’s all gonna be fine,, etc. I felt like such an angry jerk for doing that. I thought I was wallowing in self pity, but at the same time I didn’t want my blog to turn into a unsafe place.

    After a couple of yes are of TTC, most of us get burnt out and as a woman, im not allowed to express my anger or my depression. But I was and still am steeping in it.

    I dunno, this clearly isn’t my most eloquent comment but I guess what I’m saying is, we can only take so much, all of us have a limit. I reached mine about 2 years ago and have been limping around since then. I don’t think I’ll be okay until it’s over, and then add 5+ of counselling😑. These kinds of feelings make people uncomfortable, but they’re as real as real gets . My thoughts are with you.

    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      This is great feedback. I identify with a lot of this. I’m so sorry that you experienced that and wasn’t supported better.

  6. Geochick

    ((Hugs)). My blog is littered with super negative posts and I’ve lost IRL people because of it. People I still run into sometimes. I get it. Sometimes you need to feel bad and grieve. The process is different for everyone and there isn’t a timeline.

  7. Mali

    “I want to get to a point where I’m not fighting feeling better and that I never feel like this again.” I want that for you too. There’s a big difference between genuinely feeling better, and putting on a brave face by pretending everything is okay. I want you to be able to genuinely feel better – and that takes time. You know though that I wonder why you’re “fighting feeling better.” The first step is recognising that you are in fact fighting feeling better, and you’ve done that. The explorations into why will inevitably follow. You see, even though you don’t realise it, you are taking little steps towards recovery. That’s why I have hope for you, even if you don’t/can’t feel that right now.

    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      Until I see my life turning around I can’t have hope. Right now I’m protecting myself from things getting worse. At least if they do get worse it won’t hurt as bad because I didn’t expect things to get better.

  8. kiftsgate

    to me you haven’t come out as ungrateful but as someone who is having a really hard time. I agree with your psychologist, let yourself be. sometimes we do need to go through down phases.
    I’m here.

  9. andthewindscreamsmary

    I’m so very sorry that you are going through this. I don’t think you are ungrateful and I am certainly not offended. Our stories are different, you’re right in that I don’t know how it feels to go through what you are going through. I imagine it must be really difficult though and I agree with you that it’s okay to feel how you feel right now and you shouldn’t have to feel like others are forcing you to feel certain things. As shitty as these feelings are you just have to sit with them and work through them, and that is incredibly difficult work – I remember how hard it was after I lost my second baby. Whenever someone told me I should be hopeful or I could try again I wanted to scream and cry. And those feelings really really stink and make us feel uncomfortable but the only way out is through. I am wishing you all the best and hope that you are able to find peach with all of this soon.


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