This has been a tough year. I’m now more aware of why I feel the way I do. The unusual part of the way I feel is that I’ve started to have feelings of being less than a man. These aren’t feelings I had felt last year or the year before. I’m not sure why I feel this way now when I had not felt that way before.
First let me admit that I’m not what you would consider a “manly” man. I’m short at Five Feet Four inches (162 cm) and skinny. I’ve never been coordinated which is why I’ve engaged in sports like swimming and running that don’t require much coordination. When it comes to home improvements I’m completely inept. I’m what you would consider a “metrosexual” taking pride in my appearance. I won’t go into the extent of my metrosexuality because it’s more information than you probably would be interested in, plus it’s embarrassing. But then again the idea of not being able to conceive a child with your spouse is kinda embarrassing.
What differentiates a man from a woman genetically is the Y Chromosome. For me I’m missing pieces of that Y Chromosome. Specifically I am missing pieces of the Y Chromosome that is responsible for sperm production. When you are someone who doesn’t feel manly to begin with infertility completely emasculates you. I won’t go into the other embarrassing ways infertility has emasculated me but I will say that there are times I wish I was born a woman so the lack of sperm wasn’t an issue.
The emasculation that infertility has left me has me down on myself as a man and as a person. The idea that “A real man wouldn’t have these issues” has entered my head. I’m not saying that all infertile men should feel this way or that they aren’t real men. What I am saying is how my infertility has emasculated me.
Infertility has that impact on people. Whatever vulnerabilities, weaknesses or wounds left from trauma earlier in a person’s life is amplified. Not being a “manly” man to begin with left me vulnerable for me to be emasculated by infertility. Having the parts of a male but lacking the ingredients seems kind of pointless. It’s like the parts I have are there for decoration and serve no purpose.
But maybe the reason I was born without the missing pieces of my Y Chromosome has something to do with me not being a “manly” man. Who knows? The only thing I know is that my infertility has emasculated me.