Doing what needs to be done

I’ve debated about whether or not to write this post and make a big deal out of myself because I hate being thought of as someone who does things for attention.  I actually drafted this post a little over a year ago after a similar Twitter incident to one I had today.  I decided not to publish it then.  But I think this time it needs to be said.  Please don’t take this as a pity post.  I don’t want for anyone to feel sorry for me.  I’m not a victim by any means.

When you are dealing with any type of life altering grief it changes you forever.  Your outlook on life and perspective will never be what it once was.  Even if things work out and you find some type of happiness you aren’t necessarily better off than you were before, you are just different.  I am no different when it comes to what Infertility Grief has done to me.

I hate what infertility has done to me and how it’s changed my life.  It’s not been for the better.  Grief has not made me a better person.  It’s made me a sad, frustrated and negative person.  At times I’ve let it consume my life because it is the one thing I’ve ever dealt with that I’ve been unable to overcome.  I’ve let it suck the joy out of my life and destroy my self confidence.  

I joined the infertility community to connect with others hoping it would help me and I wanted to see if I could have positive impact on others.  For almost two years both of these things did work.  But this is not the case any more.  Being here doesn’t help me any longer and I’m no longer able to have a positive impact ok others.

Let me set the record straight yes the Twitter incident earlier today did help me come to this conclusion but I’ve been leaning this way for a while.  It started back in June when I didn’t fit with the making dads theme of male infertility week.  And for those of you who don’t know about what happened, all I will say is that I had an unpopular opinon that others felt made it uncomfortable to others in the community.  I didn’t expect others to agree with me.  I would have been happy to agree to disagree and walk away.  Yet I was told I was wrong and was ganged up on by a bunch of people and made to feel like a bad person.  I know it wasn’t their intention but they didn’t care how it made me feel.  I blame myself partially for not walking away sooner but what’s done is done.

The most difficult part of it was that they went to a vulnerable place for me.  One person in particular knew it was a vulnerable place knew how it impacted me yet they still went there.  The others I give a pass too because they didn’t understand how vulnerable it is this person I can’t.  

Unlike the last time I was involved in one of these incidents where I knew I had done some things wrong this time around I was not wrong.  Having an unpopular opinon is not wrong.  I was not forcing my opinon on anyone.  I wasn’t saying my way was the only way and it was superior to others.  It’s just an opinon.  Believing those who have a privilege and a story people can learn from and being bothered that they don’t stick around is not wrong.  It maybe different than what others feel and that’s fine but it’s not wrong.  

I’ve said this in a recent post but I don’t have a success story that can give others hope.  I don’t have that privilege.  That isn’t anyone’s fault nor do I want anyone to feel bad for me, shit happens.  To be clear I don’t define becoming a parent as the only way a person can be a success story in the infertility community.  There are too many childless/free stories for me to mention all of them.  I am not one of them.  Those people can and are having a positive influence on others in the community.  I may have had a positive influence at one time but I’m not able to any more.

The time has come to walk away.  It’s for my own good (not self preservation) as well as others in the community.  Please don’t feel bad for me.  I got out of the community what I did when I needed it.  I also feel that I did my best to have a positive impact on the community when I was able to.  It worked well while it did but it doesn’t work well for me and others any longer.

I’m not disappearing off the face of the earth.  Yes, I’ve deactivated my infertility Twitter account and likely won’t blog here any longer but I won’t be off the radar.  Those of you who have my email, follow my non infertility account, connected with me on Facebook or have my email you can stay in touch with me there.

I really do wish everyone the best on their journeys.  Whether you are still trying to conceive, going through treatments, pregnant, parenting, pursuing adoption, pursuing fostering, pursuing third party reproduction, moving onto a childless/free life or living I hope you all find happiness in all aspects of your lives.  

8 thoughts on “Doing what needs to be done

  1. Healing Writuals

    Sending ((hugs)) and gentle thoughts to you. I hope you do continue to blog even if you don’t feel you can actively engage directly with the infertility community. Your perspective on an infertility path that doesn’t have the happy ending you dreamed of – especially as a man – is important.. It’s been a topic of discussion in this home tonight.

  2. clwalchevill

    I’m sorry to see this post. You will be dearly missed. Sending much love and hoping one day soon you feel safe to return to this space.

  3. A.

    I was once in a place when I wasn’t willing to hear any possibility that life would redeem itself and take on meaning without biological children, but i hope that you will heal and reflect until you either make peace with childlessness so that you can find meaning and happiness in different ways or make peace with an alternate pathway to parenthood. Life is too precious not to. Wishing you all the best, Greg, xo

  4. Surviving Infertility

    I must start off by saying how much I do enjoy your posts. I love hearing from the opposite sex. When it comes to infertility, men are unfortunately not represented nearly enough.
    However, I think you know what u need in this journey more than anyone else. I have often thought about whether or not I will begin to feel that blogging may no longer serve myself or others in a positive way as it used to one day. This is not to say I think this about your blogging, instead that I can relate to the way u are feeling (hope that makes sense) bc I have pondered it too.
    Thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

  5. Mali

    Healing and recovery after infertility is a very slow and painful process, and sometimes it can feel as if no-one understands (even when they do). I worry though that you already feel isolated in society because of your childlessness, and that by leaving you are cutting yourself off from the love and support and understanding you get here. I don’t know what happened on Twitter, but love and support and understanding are the only things that I have seen here on your blog. So I hope that you leave it open, a space for you to come back to if you need support, or simply to express yourself. We’ll be here.

    (And in the meantime, you know where to find me if you want to talk.)

  6. andthewindscreamsmary

    I’m sorry to read that you will no longer be blogging, I will miss your perspective, but I respect your decision to do what you need to do. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope that you reach peace soon and wish you strength in all that comes next. Hugs…

  7. Jess

    I’m so sorry to hear that you haven’t been supported- there’s no reason anyone here should be putting down anyone else ever. We’ve all had our burdens to bear as we do in our own ways, and people in this community should know better than to speak unkindly to others.. You have been such a support and source of strength to so many others- myself included- and I feel badly I haven’t been there for you and others this past year. Wishing you the best- you deserve happiness as much as anyone, however you find it.


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