Just when I thought I was out, They pull me back in!

For those who don’t know the reference to the title of this post is from the Godfather Part III. I know I know I said I was leaving the community a month ago and I was never going to come back. But here’s the thing, I missed a lot of you. Even though I’m connected with some of you on Facebook, I miss interacting with you all. 
At the time last month I had a falling out with some members of the community who went to my most vulnerable place. This lead me to walk away/take a break from the community. As it turns on it was the best thing that could have happened to me at that point. I needed a break from being trapped in the community and being surrounded by people in different places than I am. It was triggering the hurt of where I was at and making me feel left behind. It wasn’t doing me any good being surrounded by it. It was bringing out the worst in me.

The break for me was a good one. I was able to reconnect to the things in my life that mattered the most to me. The things in my life that I took for granted. The things in my life that bring joy to my life. The things that stood by me at my deepest darkest time when most would have separated themselves from me. There was no way I could walk away from them at this point or ever. They aren’t things that you can ever replace.  It’s sonething that when you have it you don’t ever let go because it just feels right.

As for things going on in my life, the last month has been crazy. I’ve had four work trips in consecutive weeks. In fact this week is the first week I’m home the entire week in over a month. Though it was tiring and I hate flying I did get to go to Disney World for the first time in my life which was pretty cool. Trying to fit in my workouts and runs as I finished up training for my half marathon this up coming Sunday was challenging.

Speaking of my half marathon, I’m not sure how I feel about it. My energy level over the last month or so has been low. It’s probably due to everything going on. Plus I think my body needs a beak especially my Calves and Achilles’ tendons. I’m looking forward to being able to take time off from running as much as I love it.  

An exciting thing for me is that for the first time in 9 years the Mets are going to the playoffs after clinching the NL East division on Saturday. It was a shock, in fact I still can’t believe it two days later. I thought they would be improved this year but not nearly as good as they ended up being. And I can finally stop blaming my marriage for the Met woes. You see the night before my wedding 8 years ago the Mets were up 7.5 games on the Phillies with 17 games to play. No team had ever blown that type of lead. But starting with that night the Mets would go 5-12 and have the biggest collapse in baseball history. This season eliminates that myth which I know my wife was tired of hearing.

All in all this past month has mostly been positive with really nothing bad. I’m smiling and upbeat more so than I’ve been in a long time. I’m more of who I was before infertility. Most importantly I’m the loving husband my wife lost when I was diagnosed with non obstructive azoospermia. It’s hard to tell how much of a better place I’m in because I’m so burnt out. Perhaps in a few weeks I’ll have a better idea. I’m of the mind set that I need to expect the unexpected both good and bad. Nothing is ever certain in life.  

I’m not sure what life will look like or where I’m heading. I’m not going to try to figure that out but instead let the chips fall as they may. That’s not to say I will just sit back and do nothing but I’m done chasing things that do nothing but tear me apart inside. I’m done putting timetables on things and instead just live. I don’t want to ever go back to being that person infertility made me and I need to avoid the things and situations that brought out that person.

As for me in the community, I’m not sure that I’ll ever be as active as I once was. I’m just too fearful of going back to that place I was in. I do want to stay connected to people that have been great friends to me and support them when I can. I really hope everyone is well at whatever point you are in your journeys.

21 thoughts on “Just when I thought I was out, They pull me back in!

  1. Charolette

    Sometimes I don’t know what to say in comments sections. Mostly just wanted you to know that I’m glad to hear you are in a good place. Hopefully we all reach that place. I’ve definitely felt a kinship to your past posts, but look forward to whatever lies ahead for you.

  2. Mali

    “I was able to reconnect to the things in my life that mattered the most to me. The things in my life that I took for granted. The things in my life that bring joy to my life.” Finding the things that give us joy, and allowing ourselves to feel that joy, are so important. So happy to read this.

  3. clwalchevill

    So glad to see this post! and equally glad that this break was such a positive one. Sometimes the best thing in the world is taking a step back.

  4. The misfit

    I’m reading all of these at once because I seem to take mini-breaks from the IF/blogging world a lot myself. I discovered something similar to what you did – when I first started blogging, it was an incredible support to have other people (OK, let’s be accurate, they were all women) to talk to who were in essentially the same situation I was. I felt less alone, and when I read about their thoughts and feelings, I felt less crazy. They also (by their collective example) pushed me to get into treatment for IF, something I had been avoiding. In retrospect, I think that may have been a mistake for me, but sometimes we don’t learn without mistakes. After a few years, though, things changed a LOT. It wasn’t just that my former companions’ blogs were filled with pictures of their children; it was that they were also often laden with judgments. People criticizing their former selves for having had the audacity to be sad, for example. I know that’s denial and that’s their issue, not mine, but the virtual community that had once been a support had become a source of increased misery for me. It was not good. Then I would get really busy with some aspect of real life and vanish from the blog world for a month or two. When I would come back, I would realize that I had been happier and healthier away! After all, even though I sometimes felt that way, infertility was never my life. There are so many other things going on that call for me to show up and be counted – whether I have children or not! I just let myself forget that.

    All this to say – I’m sorry you’ve had such a difficult road lately (and I can definitely relate), but I’m glad you took the space you needed, and I’m glad you’re back – this community will never be healthy or whole if it ignores the reality that not all infertility stories end in a baby. We are adults, and we have to grapple meaningfully with reality. Your voice is a big part of that IMHO, and a blessing to everyone with whom you share your story.


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