Falling Down Again

It’s been a while since I last blogged. I wish I could tell you that my good feelings have continued but unfortunately they haven’t. Well I take that back they continued up until about two weeks ago.
My October was filled with ups and downs. My half marathon was a disaster as I barely finished dealing with ankle and calf issues the whole race. I knew it was going to be a tough race for me as my training wasn’t as good as it was last year. I haven’t run since that race which was over six weeks ago.
The good part of my October was a great distraction as the Mets (baseball team) made a playoff run to the World Series for the first time in 15 years. I had the privilege of being able to attend two games one of which was Game 4 of the World Series (See my video and picture below I took from those games). Despite the Mets losing the series in five games it was a great season for the team that I love the most out of the three teams I follow closely.

But right after the World Series ended and Daylight Savings Time ended with the day’s getting shorter I began to feel a little down. With the holidays approaching I began to think about what we will never experience and will never be able to have. For past holidays I had some hope that we would eventually become parents. This is the first year that I know that isn’t going to happen and it hurts.  

It hurts that we are not able to experience that because I lack the ability to produce one of the two ingredients needed to conceive a child. It’s left me feeling like less of a person again. I feel empty and I know that nothing will change what the situation is leaving me helpless. Though I don’t feel alone.

Over the past few months I’ve started to recognize that this isn’t just my loss but it is also a loss for my wife and us as a couple. For so long I was wrapped up in myself that I forgot this and neglected my marriage. I was very difficult to be around especially with her experiencing a loss on her side. I won’t go into the details of it but I will admit that most women would have left me when she stood by me and continues to do so.  

As much as the situation sucks, knowing that I’m not alone gives me comfort in working through this. That’s probably the biggest difference between how I felt earlier this year and how I feel now. Call it progress but what it means for the future I have no idea.


8 thoughts on “Falling Down Again

  1. My Perfect Breakdown

    I am sorry to hear that your struggle continues. But, I do love reading that you are finding moments of enjoyment and that you are working on your marriage. And I think it’s beautiful that you now realize you are not alone in this. And I hope with more time and more work, the days will become easier. I don’t believe the hurt will ever go away, but I do hope it becomes easier.
    Also, I have to say, I don’t think most women would leave you or at least I hope most wouldn’t. Sure, some would, just like some men might have left me for my inability to carry a child (or for a whole host of other reasons), but I really don’t think most would, or at least the good ones wouldn’t. As a women, I can assure you, from my perspective I didn’t marry my husband for his ability to procreate, I married him because I love him through everything and I don’t take that commitment lightly. And I’m guessing from what you’ve said, your wife, she’s one of the good ones. Love to you both as you work through this as a team. All of this said, I do understand these types of thoughts, because I too have wondered why Mr. MPB has stayed with me when I’m the reason he will never have a child. It’s hard stuff to work through, and it’s just so unfair that you, I or anyone has to. Sending you love my friend. 🙂

    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      It’s not that my wife would have left me because of my inability to produce sperm but the coldness the lashing out and the hurtful things I said to her. I put her through hell. Not intentionally but I admit that I did.

      Thank you so much for your support. Best wishes to you and your family.

  2. The EcoFeminist

    Good to see such openness about your fears and what you’re going through. There are not nearly enough men writing about their experiences. We went to a local chapter of RESOLVE together and there were almost half men in attendance with their partners and it was SO good to see. It’s messed up how infertility, even when it is on the man’s side, is seen as a woman’s issue/problem. As for me, my eggs checked out a while ago it appears so we’re going through Donor Egg IVF – not something we ever anticipated or thought we’d be up for, but as we’ve also started the international adoption process, we’re considering this wonderful gift from the donor to be the same idea – we’re “adopting” her eggs and combining them with my husband’s sperm, which made up 13 embryos, 12 which have been frozen (the first one didn’t implant last month so we’re trying again as it’s a 60% success rate compared to my former <1% odds). Infertility has sucked so bad, and I know it can make us question what we perceived to be something that "all can do" yet the more I'm out there in the community, the more I learn out there who've struggled with it. It's not nearly as uncommon as we think, it's just society using terms like "barren" and such that have created unwarranted embarrassment from something that happens to TONS of people. My husband and I are very protective of our marriage first and foremost, but even he commented on how different I was during this past year of (unsuccessful) treatments and was so worried about me. We went off on holiday and it was so good to reconnect away from "it all" and off the hormones. And when we got home, we found we'd passed our first big hurdle of the adoption process – and for us, that prospect of being parents, no matter whose body the child originates from, is what's keeping us going 🙂 Here's wishing you strength through your own journey.

    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      Definitely don’t think it’s fair that it’s assumed the issues are on the woman’s side. I hope that bringing awareness to male infertility can help change that.

  3. Mali

    The problem with coming to terms with this, and healing, is that it isn’t linear. Sometimes it feels as if we take two steps forward, and three back. I’m sorry you’re feeling down right now. It’s crappy and it sucks. Knowing it was to be expected won’t make it any easier I know. What might help though, is that a) you now know it is possible to feel better than you do right now, and b) you and your wife are moving forward together. Yes, that is progress. It’s a long hard road, and very slow. But you’ve never been alone on it – and now I’m very glad you feel you’re there with your wife, and she’s with you.

    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      I’m just disappointed that I thought I had put the deep depression in the rear view mirror. I wouldn’t say that my wife and I are moving forward as our lives are pretty much the same. But we definitely have reconnected and feel each other more so than we did a year ago.

      1. Mali

        But that’s exactly what I mean about moving forward. You have reconnected, you’ve experienced the reality that it is possible to feel okay. I’m sorry the depression has returned, but I strongly believe it won’t always be there. Even if that is hard to believe right now. This time of year sucks too, so I’m not surprised that you’re feeling down right now. Hugs.

        Sending you both my best wishes.

  4. Geochick

    I think we get it in our heads that once it feels love me there’s a turnaround that it’ll stay that way. It never does, but being able to sit with all the crappy feelings that come flooding back and moving through the grief is progress.


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