I don’t want to be “Infertile Me”

Going into infertility people/couples are clear on what they want. They want to become parent(s). I wanted for my wife and I to become parents but infertility isn’t going to allow that to happen. It is not a path that will be a part of our story for reasons out of anyones control. The fallout from it led to me becoming “Infertile Me”.
Infertile me is dark, scared, depressed, raw, ugly, mean and hopeless. Infertile me almost destroyed my marriage. Infertile me hurt people. Infertile me brought out the worst in me. Infertile me blinded me from the many good things in my life that I’m grateful for. Most importantly infertile me was not who I really was.
I don’t want to be infertile me any longer. Being infertile me doesn’t serve me. I don’t want to be dark when light is shining. I don’t want to be scared of the unknown when it brings anxiety. I don’t want to be depressed when there are so many things in my life that bring me joy. I don’t want to be ugly, raw and mean because that’s not who I am or who I want to be. I don’t want to be hopeless when nothing ever stays the same.

I’m not sure who I want to become or what I want my life to look like. That will come in time. But the one thing I do know is that I don’t want to be Infertile Me because I’m a better person than that.

18 thoughts on “I don’t want to be “Infertile Me”

  1. Sondra

    I totally understand this… There were times I hated what infertility was doing to me too. Sometimes you just have to choose happiness. I remember growing up with an alcoholic and drug addicted mother and father… It was a very rough time. Then struggling with RPL, there has been so many things in my life where I had to not let my experiences beyond my control define me. It’s not easy, but sometimes for survival it’s needed.

  2. The EcoFeminist

    Well said. Infertile Me wants to bite the heads off every happy family. Last night I told my husband I want to go live in the woods so that way I wouldn’t have to run into the people who started off supportive then drifted away because our infertility seems to be something they all consider either contagious or not something worth sympathizing with.

    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      I know what you mean. It stinks but there is no use in fighting it. Instead I’m focussing on not being that person avoiding things that bring out that person.

  3. thecommonostrich

    Yup. So much. When you’ve experienced profound loss of any kind, it can twist something in you. And it sucks.

    However… If I may line edit your overall sentiments for a minute… I am still Infertile Me. I have the same capacity to turn inward, to feel out of control and scared. I may not want to be those things, but I am those things. Kinda like the scar I have on my knee from when I tripped rollerskating in 5th grade… It’s ugly and I don’t like it, but I can’t make it go away. None of us can make the worst parts of ourselves disappear.

    So rather I focus on living into a better version of myself along with those not so nice qualities. I think who we chose to be after tragedy is a bigger indication of who we are. It is a long process, I think. One I’m also just starting.

    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      You’re right that I can’t make that person disappear but at the same time I can focus on being a better version of myself.

      It is a long process. It’s taken me a long time to identify who Infertile Me was and what was causing it.

      Good luck in your journey through the process.

    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      It feels great to know inside that I’m better than that and not an awful person. I’m just flawed like anyone else. I am not going to let those flaws define me. 🙂

  4. clwalchevill

    The first step in changing direction being clear in what path you wish to seek. That first step is often the hardest and the scariest. I commend you in taking that step. In declaring what you want.

    May this change in path bring you the happiest you seek and deserve.

    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      I hadn’t thought about it as changing direction but you might be right. Maybe the first step is recognizing what I don’t want to be and the rest will follow.

  5. valleyally

    I hate infertile me too. It is draining and exhausting and quite frankly a party pooper too.

    I am reading the book “The Power of Now”. I feel like it is helping me conscious of when I fertile me shows up and remember there is great things happening around me now. Good luck!!

    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      Awareness is so important with these things. The road to recovery starts there but it is definitively challenging.

      Good luck to you as well.

  6. lifeasinfertile

    I try to be a better person than I am as an infertile but sometimes I have really dark days where I tend to think the worse of the pregnant people and people who has a better life than I am ( at least in my opinion they do) But when I am sober, I feel happy with what I have now and that I am always happy to just remember that I am alive in this world watching, whatever that happens. But dark days prevails at times, which I find it hard to overcome as well… And the scary thing is, you are aware that you are dark in that state of mind and I still allow myself to sink into it. How could i?

    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      It took me a long time to get to this point. I also think that when you’re in the trenches it’s really hard to get to that point. It’s all a process. I promise regardless of what happens you will get to that point one day. Best of luck. 😀

  7. ourmaybebaby

    I had some really dark days as well. I had a similar realization a year or so ago. I hated the bitter person I was becoming and one day it just kind of hit me. It wasn’t an overnight process and I had to make really conscious choices about things made a better person and what didn’t but it worth the work.

  8. Mali

    You know what I see in this? Someone who is ready to let the grieving go, and feel some hope for the future. Yes, the grief will return, but it changes too. It no longer consumes us, and doesn’t define us. Reading this makes me happy.

    (And apologies for the late comment. Who’da thought that a broken ankle would stop me reading and typing?!)


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