A Year Later…..Things have Changed

I figured it was time to do a personal update piece because it’s been a while since I last did. When I think back a year ago and to where I am right now it’s amazing how things have changed. A year ago I was working through deep depression, my personal life was in the crapper, I was in the middle of training to run my third half marathon and on the flip side my work life was on solid ground.
Today I am for the most part passed depression, my personal life couldn’t be better, I am in the middle of a four month rest period so my Achillies Tendon injury can heal (causing me to drop out of running my 1st marathon) and my work life sucks. Until I thought about it the last few days my depression hasn’t been much on my mind outside of taking anti depressants every morning. I’m no longer down about my life. Sure there are still times the realization of not ever becoming parents fucking sucks but overall I’m in a good place. My personal life is as good as it has ever been. My relationships are better than ever. I’m more comfortable with who I am and it’s easier to look past the little things.  I’m able to feel and give love again.  I have that happiness and laughter rather than anger I had last year.  And next weekend I will be seeing my friends one year old son for the first time as I am getting together with my college friend for a weekend of Civil War battlefield visits in VA.
Three weeks ago I had to officially shut down my training for the Philly Marathon in November as I sustained some tears in the tendon from my Achillies tendinitis. It took convincing from my acupuncturist to accept it. Though I felt when I couldn’t even run 3 miles without pain I had a feeling the time had come to shut it down. If this had happened a year ago no doubt I would have gone into an even deeper depression. Instead frustration is what I’m feeling. The frustration of having to stop doing what I enjoyed due to once again my body betraying what my mind wants it to do. November 27th is a long ways away but I’m hoping that day I’ll be able to go for a short run pain free.
Overall life is well. I’m more confident I can work through short term challenges and have not thought much about what the future holds. The long term future does scare me. I still have fears about not having family outside of our home spending the holidays alone. There’s nothing I can do about it now. Whatever it will be like when we age it will be. There’s no use in letting it get in the way of the life to live right now that I can enjoy.

I hope everyone is well wherever you are at in your journeys.  

18 thoughts on “A Year Later…..Things have Changed

  1. hopobopo

    You mentioned you were unhappy with your job? Any opportunity to improve that situation?
    Are you and your wife considering alternatives like adoption? I know you had talked about living child free I just can’t remember what you had said.

    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      The job situation I’m working on but don’t expect it to change until after the end of the year.

      On the child front we exhausted all of our options a year ago and won’t be becoming parents.

  2. clwalchevill

    I’m so happy to read this update, though I am sorry that work life sucks at the moment. Hopefully that will turn around soon.

    I’m also sorry to hear about your injury. Tendons are nothing to mess with, so I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself. Still, it’s hard to do when it involves sacrificing something you love. Wishing you a speedy recovery.

    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      You’re right tendons are nothing to mess with especially with this being my right ankle. Four months of no running is better than six months in a boot.

      I hope all is well with you.

  3. Mamalife

    Wishing you a speedy recovery and hope things improve on the work front. I am happy you are on your way to being at peace reg living child free. Take care!

    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      I wouldn’t say I’m at peace living childless. It will always be a part of me that will be missing. I’ve accepted that this is what it is and there’s nothing that can be done about it.

  4. Mali

    I also am very glad to read this. Sometimes a year can make a big difference. Being able to enjoy life, and being grateful for that (if not for the reason you have to focus on it) helps too, as your post shows.

    As I’m still hobbling about as my ankle and knee heal (having had an MRI on my knee last week), I share your frustration at not being able to do what you want to do! It sucks.

  5. differentshoresblog

    I’m so glad to hear that your personal life couldn’t be better. It’s inspirational to read this from a peer (or near enough) who’s decided not to let the childless thing and fears about the future get in the way of enjoying the life you live right now. I feel similar and I don’t want it to drag me down again. There is nothing worse than living in limbo; I think relief comes with knowing that you don’t have to keep striving. Yeah you can come a long way in a year, I think. I too have a crappy work situation and some long term anxieties about the distant future, but I feel pretty similar to you in general.
    If people say ‘So have you come to terms with it all then?’ it is still a hard (and stupid) question to answer but the rawness is definitely not there. Things do get better with the years, I’m sorry to hear you can’t do what really makes to happy because of your injury but life sounds good! Props to you

    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      I hate the idea that I have “come to terms” with being childless. As if this is what I wanted for us all along. Fuck No. It still sucks with what is. We have no choice but to adapt. There is no other alternative.

      Thanks for the feedback and I hope your job situation improves.

  6. Lori Lavender Luz

    You are inspirational, gsm, for listening to the signs that say stop. You’re able to keep the eyes on a bigger picture rather than shoving something through by sheer will. I think that’s really something in our achievement-oriented culture. Have a good time with your friend in VA. Abiding with you as you ride the wave of the work stuff.

  7. julie

    I have stumbled across your blog and I’m sure you have addressed this before but what are your thoughts on using a donor? I mean I know it wouldn’t be the same for me but my curiosity is getting the better of me. The battlefields are great here in VA I live in Northern VA so there are a ton!

    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      Thank you so much for your feedback. I’m open to the idea of anyone using a donor. I do think that the couple should seek counseling and resolve any grief from infertility. I’m a firm believer in open honesty with the child at a young age and supporting the child unconditionally even if they seek to find their second biological family.

      For us our infertility went beyond my non obstructive azoospermia. We looked into utilizing donor sperm but did not go down that road. Since our infertility story is only 50% mine I don’t think it’s fair to disclose the other 50% of our story.

      I went to college in Fredericksburg so I’m very familiar with Northern and Central VA. It’s a great place that’s ever evolving.

  8. The misfit

    I’ve been rather silent on the blogging front myself, but happy to read this update from you. I know we each wander through this maze by our own route, but I think I get what you’re saying. Personally, I’ve landed at a place of “that was miserable, I’m so glad it’s over, and I do not want kids any more!” but what do I know…maybe that’s just what I needed to do to start moving forward. I’ve been amazed at how much things can change when you look back on a year. Very happy to hear the year has been mostly good to you. I also worry about what it means to be alone – EVERYONE needs community, married, single, childless, parents, widows, whatever – but we none of us seem to build in the time for it. Throw in a couple of strikes – infertility, damaged family of origin – and isolation starts to become a serious threat. I worry about myself, and I worry about other people. Our culture is doing it wrong, but I don’t know how to fix it. I hope we all manage to sort this out.


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