A Decade Later……

Haven’t blogged in almost 4 years and not sure who is still around following or even paying attention but thought I would post for the heck of it.

A little over a month ago marked 10 years since my first finding out about my infertility and in the following month or so confirmation that I would never be able to have kids. The anniversary came and went where I barely even remembered the day. Which is a long way from the first few anniversary’s where it was the only thing I thought about. But then again when I turned 40 3 years ago I thought it was going to be depressing but it barely registered (though I am not sure if that had anything to do with Covid where we were isolated). So not sure if it’s that as I am getting older I don’t get bothered by anniversary’s as much or something else.

Life has been fairly stable since I last blogged. About a year ago I moved on from the company I had been with for just over 10 years landing a new opportunity where I am working from home and working with people I worked with 15 years ago. I was ready to move on from my old company and had started interviewing just as Covid began 3 years ago but with the instability of the world at the time I decided to stand pat and ride it out. Unlike the previous times when I was looking for jobs where I found something pretty quickly this past search lasted for months. I had a lot of Zoom/Teams interviews that were really starting to wear on me before I finally landed the new job.

The new job has been pretty good the first year learning a lot and finally in a position where I am learning and getting experienced in areas that will help me take that next step in my career. It’s also a position that has allowed me to tap back into those analytical skills that my ADD can get immersed in. All in all it’s been a great move for me.

Beyond that life has brought the usual peaks and valleys. Covid we thought was going to be a challenge with the both of us working from home for over a year and a half but we survived and were able to not drive each other nuts. All in all our marriage couldn’t be stronger all things considered with what we went through and where we where 5-6+ years ago when it almost ended.

One of the joys we both have in our life is Rupert. He’s definitely the second child so to speak where he couldn’t be more different than Lila. While she was always laid back but also really sweet, Rupert is everyone’s best friend and gets extremely excited when we go to the park, go to visit my in laws or go on what we now call “Houndcation” where we go away typically to a beach where he goes mental. Though he is 8 years old now he acts like he’s 3 also believing that he is a 75lb lap dog.

I don’t really think that much about infertility anymore or being childless. Sure every now and then it pops up and there could be things on the horizon that bring those feelings back but I no longer live in fear of them. I have evolved to just live life and have no expectations as to what is next.

In the last 2 years I’ve done two podcasts/interviews with infertility/adoption authors/podcasters which were both great experiences though I think I’m better able to reflect on my experience and how things evolved with a clear head and acknowledge things I couldn’t back then. I remember one person I connected with who ended up childless after infertility reassured me that things would get better. At the time it bothered me as I knew it would but felt like if I acknowledged that it would that it would downplay what I was going through in the moment. But she was right that it would get better it just took a long time to get to that point. It took work, time and support from many outlets that got me to where I am today.

Anyways enough rambling this is where things are at today over 10 years since my first diagnosis. Life isn’t what I thought it would be not even close to what I would thought it would be and how we’d end up. But we’ve managed to make the best of what is. Because at the end of the day there really was no other choice you either adapt to what life is or you die. I adapted as best I could and continue to evolve as best I can.

I hope everyone is healthy and well. Sending strength and my best to those of you still following and/or stopping by.

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Goodbye Lila Hello Rupert

It’s been a while since I last posted. Over the last 2-3 years as I’ve processed and evolved there has been less for me to write about and more time spent just living. But with living has come some rough times few tougher than earlier this spring when we unexpectedly and suddenly lost Lila. There have also been some amazing times when we welcomed Rupert into our home. It’s been the roller coaster of life continuing at high intensity.

For those of you who have followed this blog or know me from other Social Media outlets Lila was our rescued Greyhound. We met and adopted her on August 12, 2012 at a time when we were TTC a few months before we found out that I’m not able to have children. I’ve written before and it is true that had I been able to have children that we likely never would have adopted Lila. The day we adopted her she was the third dog we met that day. What sealed the deal for K is that Lila leaned on K when she walked her.

When we adopted Lila she was a five years old and a shy reserved dog who had been previously returned because it was said that she was always sad and hungry. As we came to learn the sad part was just her being reserved and needing time to come out of her shell. The hungry part was definitely true as she could eat until she exploded. The first six months to a year were rough as she dealt with separation anxiety and confidence issues. But once she came out of her shell she showed the world what a sweet dog she was.

Lila was with us during our darkest days of finding out about my infertility to our journey to parenthood ending. No matter how dark the day she always made us smile. She became a part of the family that everyone loved. Her calm demeanor helped my MIL overcome her fear of dogs leading my in laws to get a dog of their own. If not for her I am not sure K and I would have made it through infertility and being childless after infertility.

When Lila turned 10 in 2017 we knew she only had a few years left. She began to slow down not going up and down the stairs as fast as she used to and began to pant more often. She also did not get out of bed when we immediately woke up as she used to. Though when we took her for what would be her last vet check up in December 2018 all of her blood work came back good. We figured she’d be around for a while though we’d still try to enjoy every moment we had with her.

Saturday April 27th, 2019 started as any typical Saturday for us. K & I both did our routines of waking up going to do our workouts and chores around the house along with taking care of Lila. Then there was the debate about what to do. With it being a beautiful Saturday afternoon we decided to take Lila out with us to go to the local Farm Store as we needed propane for the grill and Lila needed treats. After heading back home we then decided we’d go out for ice cream. Lila knew exactly where we were and as soon as she got out of the car began to pull on the leash excited for ice cream. She quickly scarfed down what would be her last mini cone of ice cream. On the way home we stopped at another pet store to get treats. For Lila it was the perfect day.

After dinner that night K took Lila out to go to the bathroom while I cleaned the kitchen. While I was washing dishes I suddenly heard K scream. I quickly ran outside to find K holding Lila in her arms saying she collapsed. K handed Lila to me. I was in such shocked that I fell backwards into our bushes with Lila. K rushed to get the keys to her car while I carried Lila into the back seat of her car. Carrying her was like carrying dead weight and her tongue was dangling out of her mouth. But she was still breathing.

On the car ride on the way to the E Vet as I held her in my arms I told her to hang in and that I wasn’t ready to lose her. It was the longest 20 minute car ride I ever have had. I felt her breathing slow down for the first part of the ride. As we got close to the E Vet I felt her breathing and all movement in her stop. I knew we’d lost her. It took every ounce of energy not to scream and tell K as I didn’t want to distract her. Once we got to the E Vet I carried her for what would be the last time through the doors into the facility handing her off to the Vet team. They asked if I wanted them to try to revive her and I said yes. I was brought into a waiting room waiting for K as she parked the car holding out hope that Lila could be revived but knowing deep down she was gone.

It took about 5-10 minutes for the Vet to come back to the waiting room to let us know they tried to revive her but she was gone. We were told it was likely either a massive heart attack or stroke. We were in shock. Just hours earlier we had been having a great day with her and now she was gone. We couldn’t have planned a better last day for her if we knew it was going to be her last day.

We couldn’t go home right away so we stopped at my in laws for a bit. Both of them were in just as much a shock as we were. When we finally got home I went over to Lila’s downstairs bed and collapsed breaking down completely. K joined me and broke down as well. Her bed and blanket still smelled like her. The bone she had been chewing on just hours earlier was there but she was gone.

The next day we spent in our bedroom crying most of the day taking calls from family and friends offering their condolences. We only went downstairs for water and food. It was appropriate we spent the day doing that as Lila was extremely lazy and would spend most of her days sleeping and laying down in her beds. We both took off from work the next day to spend time together morning the loss. The intensity of the pain for me was greater than anything I have dealt with in my adult life including infertility and our parenthood journey ending.

In the upcoming days and weeks life was very different. I never realized how much of our lives and routines were because of Lila. Purposely we both did everything we could to stay out of the house as much as possible with so many things in the house reminding us of Lila. Unlike Infertility where for a long time I grieved by myself with losing Lila I made sure to grieve with K as this was our loss.

We had Lila cremated and a week later picked up her remains. I always thought it was weird when people kept their pets remains but now understand. They’re family and give so much to us. I can never repay Lila for all the love she gave us and taught us. She lived everyday without a care in the world living it as though everyone was her last.

Before she passed I wasn’t sure if I wanted another dog as I wanted Lila to be the only dog and wasn’t sure if I could love another the same way. K was always sure she wanted another and told me to take my time grieving that she would be ready for another when I was. We began to look at Greyhounds available for adoption as we loved the breed and with so many coming off the track with Florida in the process of phasing out Greyhound racing. There were a few that caught our eyes so we submitted a new adoption application to the agency we adopted Lila from.

A few days later I spoke with the woman who runs the agency to go through our application and I asked about one dog in particular. He was a brindle male who was on the smaller side for males. He recently came off the track with his last race on April 9th. I was told that he had a great outgoing friendly personality but on the trailer ride up from Florida he had sustained a cut on his leg so he was in the prison program to heal. The prison program is just that it’s where prisoners help train rescue dogs as part of their rehabilitation.

Due to scheduling we weren’t able to meet him for a few weeks but knew that when we met him we’d likely come home with him. Unlike with Lila where we had nothing for a dog and had to pick up beds and supplies on our way home we were prepared. On May 23rd we finally met him at the prison signed the Paperwork and headed home with a new member of the family.

The car ride home should have been a sign of things to come. He couldn’t get settled and tried to climb into the front seat with us. We had to stop the car a number of times with one of us getting in the backseat with him to keep him from climbing into the front of K’s car where less than a month earlier Lila had died in my arms.

Once we got home our new family member explored the house as this was the first time he had ever been in a home. K found some old toys of Lila’s that she never played with and he instantly took to them. Since I named Lila K would pick the name Rupert for our new family member. In the first 24 hours Rupert would show more personality than Lila did in the first six months we had her.

Here we are almost two months later and Rupert has managed to take over our house and lives in ways Lila never did. He’s gone into every room in the house including bathrooms which Lila rarely did. It took him until his second day with us to manage to get his way and get on our couch after us giving up on trying to keep him off it. Lately we’ve been fighting the battle of keeping him out of our bed at night. It’s the one place we don’t want him. After all he has four other beds to sleep on whereas K and I have to share a bed lol. Whereas Lila always found a way to make us smile everyday Rupert finds a way to make us laugh everyday.

Outside of them being Greyhounds and Brindle Lila and Rupert couldn’t be more opposites of each other. Though Lila was sweet there were only four people she was extremely affectionate with: Us (though K was her favorite person), my mother and my MIL. Rupert loves all people and wants to meet everyone. His tail goes nuts when we met new people or they come over. We’ve had to work with him on not jumping up at people which he does out of excitement not being vicious. Overall he’s a happy friendly dog with a ton of personality.

He’ll never replace Lila as she was our first and will always be special to us. But he has brought light to us in a time when there was darkness. Kind of like infertility and while the loss of becoming a parent can never be replaced there are things in our lives that bring joy and hope.

Below are some pictures of Lila, her boxed remains and Rupert being Rupert. I hope everyone is well.

Lila when she first came home.

Lila in her old age.

Lila after she crossed the rainbow bridge 4/27/19.

Lila’s boxed remains on her bed with her favorite blanket and last bone.

Rupert’s first night in his new home

Rupert being Rupert (he’s a bit of a weirdo)

Rupert where he’s not supposed to be.

My Views on the Childless Before Infertility

After almost 7 years since my initial diagnosis I’ve thought back to times before infertility and how different my perspective was then compared to now. Back then I was innocent and ignorant. I thought that everyone who wanted to become a parent could. I thought that if we tried hard enough we could become parents. And most importantly I had a completely different view on those who never had kids than I do now.

Growing up I had a number of relatives who didn’t have kids. My mom has cousins that weren’t able to have kids. My Uncle (Mom’s Brother) and Aunt (Dad’s Sister) never wanted kids for different reasons. I was never that close with either though I learned recently my Aunt was always fond of my brother and I. She passed away last August after a battle with cancer.

In the weeks and months prior to her passing I did contact her. I thanked her last June when she sent me a birthday gift. But looking back I regret I didn’t reach out to her more than I did. Let me be clear my Aunt was a loud know it all who had a sense of entitlement that rubbed me the wrong way. But when my Great Grandmother had dementia and when my Grandfather needed someone to care for him she was always there to step up. I’m not sure if it was due to her caring nature or it fell on her because my Dad had kids and other responsibilities.

My Mother who though I love her and wouldn’t be where I am without (beyond giving birth to me) shaped and influenced my feelings on my Aunt. She would always say that my Aunt didn’t have the responsibilities my father did and that she should take care of my Grandfather. It was painted that my Aunt was a selfish person which she may well have been.

Because of that my feelings on those without children were selfish people and I viewed them as being not as important than those with children. I viewed that not having children was leading a life not as valuable as those who had children. I viewed it as strange not to have kids. It wasn’t until after I found out we would be unable to have kids and when our journey to parenthood ended that we became the people I harshly and unfairly judged growing up and even in early adulthood.

Based on all of this I’ve become a hypocrite and have projected a lot of my own criticisms of those without children on myself. It’s led to me resenting myself and a lot of the insecurities I have as a result of my own thoughts and prior feelings. It’s led to me taking so many things personal when it comes to parenthood and viewing my own life as less than.

The challenge moving forward is now that I recognize what’s behind these feelings is what do I do about it to break out of this way of thinking? How do I stop comparing my life and what value it has to others? I’ve always been stubborn and my toughest critic. I’m a creature of habit and getting into a new way of thinking has always been difficult. I’ve always had a chip on my shoulder feeling I have something to prove.

Is what I have to prove that I was wrong and that our life without children can have value? But how do I know if and when I’m able to prove that? I know this is a lot of rambling and hope it makes sense.

I’m not the “Great Uncle” Type

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged and it’s mainly because I haven’t had anything happen or come up relating to infertility. All in all things are well. Put another piece of the life we were trying to build behind me as I replaced my Toyota Camry which was big enough for a baby with a smaller more sporty VW GLI (which I love). Also started wearing my hair differently dumping the spikes which I had worn for over 17 years with a more conservative part. Small changes that are positive putting things in the past.  
The only thing that has come up recently is with my brother moving in with his girlfriend it looks like he finally may have found the one. With that thoughts of them getting married and kids down the road. I’ve wrote about this a little bit in the past that people tell those who are Infertile to not worry that they could always become a “Great Aunt/Uncle”. My feelings have been that it’s not the same as being a parent.

Lately my thoughts have gone beyond it just not being the same. Not only is it not the same but for me I don’t think I want to be a “Great Uncle”. It’s just not something I ever had a desire to be. Don’t get be wrong I’d be happy for my brother and his spouse and wouldn’t ignore his kids. I’d do the usual gifts see them on holidays once or twice a year but I don’t have the desire to be that Uncle that is involved in their lives. Those kids would have their parents. They wouldn’t need an Uncle getting in the way of that.

Settling for being that “Great Uncle” is a weak attempt at pretending to be a semi parent. It’s having fun with kids without doing any work. Those kids will never really care or have the bond that they do with their parents. I know this comes across as me sounding selfish but if god intended me to have that bond with a child he would have given me the ability to become a parent.

Deep down I feel this way because it would be another reminder of what I’m not capable of. I’m not capable of making my parents grandparents. I’m not capable of raising a child. I’m not capable of doing something the majority of adults can do.

Again I know I come across as being selfish but I really do hope my brother never has kids to avoid this trigger. I just fear of the fallout. It’s fallout I don’t want to face or have the potential to fall back into the deep depression I was in two years ago. Only time will tell whether I will face this but I know that I have no desire to be that “Great Uncle”.
On a side note I’d like to finish this piece promoting a new book by Justine Brooks Froelker “The Mother of Second Chances”. I just received my copy the other day and can’t wait to read. Justine is amazing a very special person. Below is the link to purchase on Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1544630662/ref=ya_aw_od_pi?ie=UTF8&psc=1

A Year Later…..Things have Changed

I figured it was time to do a personal update piece because it’s been a while since I last did. When I think back a year ago and to where I am right now it’s amazing how things have changed. A year ago I was working through deep depression, my personal life was in the crapper, I was in the middle of training to run my third half marathon and on the flip side my work life was on solid ground.
Today I am for the most part passed depression, my personal life couldn’t be better, I am in the middle of a four month rest period so my Achillies Tendon injury can heal (causing me to drop out of running my 1st marathon) and my work life sucks. Until I thought about it the last few days my depression hasn’t been much on my mind outside of taking anti depressants every morning. I’m no longer down about my life. Sure there are still times the realization of not ever becoming parents fucking sucks but overall I’m in a good place. My personal life is as good as it has ever been. My relationships are better than ever. I’m more comfortable with who I am and it’s easier to look past the little things.  I’m able to feel and give love again.  I have that happiness and laughter rather than anger I had last year.  And next weekend I will be seeing my friends one year old son for the first time as I am getting together with my college friend for a weekend of Civil War battlefield visits in VA.
Three weeks ago I had to officially shut down my training for the Philly Marathon in November as I sustained some tears in the tendon from my Achillies tendinitis. It took convincing from my acupuncturist to accept it. Though I felt when I couldn’t even run 3 miles without pain I had a feeling the time had come to shut it down. If this had happened a year ago no doubt I would have gone into an even deeper depression. Instead frustration is what I’m feeling. The frustration of having to stop doing what I enjoyed due to once again my body betraying what my mind wants it to do. November 27th is a long ways away but I’m hoping that day I’ll be able to go for a short run pain free.
Overall life is well. I’m more confident I can work through short term challenges and have not thought much about what the future holds. The long term future does scare me. I still have fears about not having family outside of our home spending the holidays alone. There’s nothing I can do about it now. Whatever it will be like when we age it will be. There’s no use in letting it get in the way of the life to live right now that I can enjoy.

I hope everyone is well wherever you are at in your journeys.  

It’s not Always a “Choice”

This is going to be another one of those pieces where I hope it generates a productive conversation that leads to progress rather than take offense. It’s not that I care if I unintentionally upset people. I care more about being able to create positive change.
Each of our infertility stories is unique and different. No two infertility stories are exactly the same. With the reproduction of two or more people required to create a fetus leading up to 40+ weeks of gestation there are so many factors in each situation that could go wrong. Even when a diagnosis is the same for an infertile female in a couple you still have the male factor with many different possible reasons for lack of conception or potential for miscarriage. Also you have the being able to afford treatment factor. In taking a hard look at this, the options available for one couple might not be available for another couple when it comes to a couple either conceiving a child or third party reproduction.  In some cases there are no options to become a parent through some type of scientific intervention.
When it comes to becoming a parent via non biological or other scientific ways the ability to do so can vary as well. Depending upon where a person lives, their financial status and other personal circumstances (health, marital status, etc.) the ability to to become a parent via adopting isn’t available for every couple or person. For instance depending upon where a person/couple lives and what the laws are for adopting they maybe disqualified from adopting. You could also be in a financial situation where you are unable to afford the costs to adopt and lack the ability to raise funds to adopt. Lastly you could be disqualified from adopting due to a health condition you have.  In some cases a person/couple may not be able to adopt.
When you add in all of that the conclusion reached is that not everyone will be able to become a parent. I say this because personally I’ve been told by others that it’s my choice to be childless and there are options I’m choosing not to go through. They say this without knowing our full story. There are so many other factors in our story that I haven’t disclosed that are personal to us. I’ve also seen other people be told that if they want to become parents they shouldn’t give up in finding a way to become parents.  That is completely unfair to assume unless you know the person/couple’s entire story.
People mean well when they ask those going through infertility if they’ve considered adoption or tried a certain treatment.  If a person is curious about what the couple/person has tried instead they can ask what their options are. It’s a more broad question that gives the person going through infertility the ability to have control of the conversation. They may have options they are pursuing or may have exhausted all options. The only way to know is ask rather than go to one specific option that either worked for you or someone you know.
My point is infertility and our ability to become parents is extremely complicated.  We should recognize that we all have circumstances that give each couple different options. In some cases a person/couple may choose to pass on their options but in other cases the circumstances may take away any option a person/couple has to become a parent. We can’t assume that a person/couple is choosing to be childless unless we know their whole story.
I say all of this not to be bitter for those who have been able to become parents after infertility. I am grateful that people have been able to become parents because it gives those going through infertility hope that they one day can become parents.  It gives me hope that future generations don’t have to go through what so many of us have dealt with.  I say this to help others better connect with those going through infertility and those who never become parents.  Hopefully this piece can help us better communicate with one another.

Childless before/during Infertility vs Childless After Infertility

Dealing with infertility is a process.  How we feel during different stages of infertility varies.  There are highs lows and overall our perspective changes.  One misunderstanding that members of the infertility community have is that those who have gone onto become parents may feel they know what it’s like to be childless and infertile similar to those who are childless after infertility feel.  While that may seem possible on the surface the reality is very different.

From my personal experience I will say that how I felt when I was first diagnosed with being infertile and when we exhausted all of our options are very different.  When I was first diagnosed in 2013 I was in shock.  I was down but with options still on the table I still believed we’d become parents some way.  I felt that I just needed to be patient look into options and we would go down a path to parenthood.  Sure I was mourning the loss of biological parenthood which was hard but I still had hope on the parenthood front.

Last year when our pursuit of parenthood ended (by circumstance not choice) I became depressed and it nearly destroyed my life.  The hope I had was gone.  I had to accept the fact that we would not be parents in any capacity for any child.  There would be nothing for no one that we would leave behind in this world.  It’s a helpless feeling that no hard work could ever change.  It was very different than my feelings/experience was in 2013.

I’m saying this not to guilt those who become parents after infertility but to explain to them that their experience is different.  I’m not saying this to show that being childless or my experience is more difficult but rather that it’s different.  Neither experience is easy.  I can’t imagine how difficult it is for those who go through RPL even if it ends in them becoming parents.  Honestly I am not sure I could have handled that.

The best thing we can do is recognize that our experiences are our own.  We can’t compare experiences and think we know what it’s like cause we can’t.  But we can listen to each other and learn from each other.  That’s the way we can narrow the divide amongst each other. 

It doesn’t get “Easier”

Since I learned I was diagnosed as being infertility three and a half years ago I’ve learned there were many myths society has with infertility. The first being that infertility can almost always be cured. The second is that infertility is mostly in women. The third is that once you become a parent you stop hurting. For me what I’ve learned personally through my experience is that ending up childless doesn’t get easier, you just get stronger.

I’ll be honest one of the things that made me stubborn to give in and work towards recovery from depression was admitting to others that you can end up childless and be happy. I’ve seen many inside and outside the infertility community with children tell others they can be happy without having kids. That bothers me because I feel it ignores the challenges that comes with ending up childless (as I’m sure Parents after Infertility face). It ignores how hard it is to get to that point where you can be happy living life a again. Also if ending up childless is so great then why didn’t that person choose it? I felt I’d be doing those who end up childless after infertility a disservice by admitting that I could be happy.  

Getting through this has been like running. Distance Running isn’t easy. You have to build up your strength and endurance to be able to run the distances you are training to run. There are challenges and road blocks along the way with injuries you have to work through. Same thing with living childless after infertility. You work hard to build up endurance to live life childless after infertility. Living that life doesn’t get easier you just get stronger through continuing to work at it.  

I don’t look at ending up childless after infertility living a happy life as a choice. The reality for me was there wasn’t a choice it was either Adapt or Die. I maybe happy right now but it’s still challenging each day and I still have to work at it.  I’ve had to change how I think and approach life.  I’ve had to go from being structured and planning out life to being less structured being present and not looking too far ahead.   Being someone with ADD who had to be structured to get through life that was and still is challenging.

I hope that in writing this piece others can recognize that being happy and childless doesn’t mean that we still don’t hurt or that it’s an easy life. It may seem like it got easier on the surface but what it is us getting stronger on the inside.

I don’t want to be “Infertile Me”

Going into infertility people/couples are clear on what they want. They want to become parent(s). I wanted for my wife and I to become parents but infertility isn’t going to allow that to happen. It is not a path that will be a part of our story for reasons out of anyones control. The fallout from it led to me becoming “Infertile Me”.
Infertile me is dark, scared, depressed, raw, ugly, mean and hopeless. Infertile me almost destroyed my marriage. Infertile me hurt people. Infertile me brought out the worst in me. Infertile me blinded me from the many good things in my life that I’m grateful for. Most importantly infertile me was not who I really was.
I don’t want to be infertile me any longer. Being infertile me doesn’t serve me. I don’t want to be dark when light is shining. I don’t want to be scared of the unknown when it brings anxiety. I don’t want to be depressed when there are so many things in my life that bring me joy. I don’t want to be ugly, raw and mean because that’s not who I am or who I want to be. I don’t want to be hopeless when nothing ever stays the same.

I’m not sure who I want to become or what I want my life to look like. That will come in time. But the one thing I do know is that I don’t want to be Infertile Me because I’m a better person than that.

Falling Down Again

It’s been a while since I last blogged. I wish I could tell you that my good feelings have continued but unfortunately they haven’t. Well I take that back they continued up until about two weeks ago.
My October was filled with ups and downs. My half marathon was a disaster as I barely finished dealing with ankle and calf issues the whole race. I knew it was going to be a tough race for me as my training wasn’t as good as it was last year. I haven’t run since that race which was over six weeks ago.
The good part of my October was a great distraction as the Mets (baseball team) made a playoff run to the World Series for the first time in 15 years. I had the privilege of being able to attend two games one of which was Game 4 of the World Series (See my video and picture below I took from those games). Despite the Mets losing the series in five games it was a great season for the team that I love the most out of the three teams I follow closely.

But right after the World Series ended and Daylight Savings Time ended with the day’s getting shorter I began to feel a little down. With the holidays approaching I began to think about what we will never experience and will never be able to have. For past holidays I had some hope that we would eventually become parents. This is the first year that I know that isn’t going to happen and it hurts.  

It hurts that we are not able to experience that because I lack the ability to produce one of the two ingredients needed to conceive a child. It’s left me feeling like less of a person again. I feel empty and I know that nothing will change what the situation is leaving me helpless. Though I don’t feel alone.

Over the past few months I’ve started to recognize that this isn’t just my loss but it is also a loss for my wife and us as a couple. For so long I was wrapped up in myself that I forgot this and neglected my marriage. I was very difficult to be around especially with her experiencing a loss on her side. I won’t go into the details of it but I will admit that most women would have left me when she stood by me and continues to do so.  

As much as the situation sucks, knowing that I’m not alone gives me comfort in working through this. That’s probably the biggest difference between how I felt earlier this year and how I feel now. Call it progress but what it means for the future I have no idea.