A Decade Later……

Haven’t blogged in almost 4 years and not sure who is still around following or even paying attention but thought I would post for the heck of it.

A little over a month ago marked 10 years since my first finding out about my infertility and in the following month or so confirmation that I would never be able to have kids. The anniversary came and went where I barely even remembered the day. Which is a long way from the first few anniversary’s where it was the only thing I thought about. But then again when I turned 40 3 years ago I thought it was going to be depressing but it barely registered (though I am not sure if that had anything to do with Covid where we were isolated). So not sure if it’s that as I am getting older I don’t get bothered by anniversary’s as much or something else.

Life has been fairly stable since I last blogged. About a year ago I moved on from the company I had been with for just over 10 years landing a new opportunity where I am working from home and working with people I worked with 15 years ago. I was ready to move on from my old company and had started interviewing just as Covid began 3 years ago but with the instability of the world at the time I decided to stand pat and ride it out. Unlike the previous times when I was looking for jobs where I found something pretty quickly this past search lasted for months. I had a lot of Zoom/Teams interviews that were really starting to wear on me before I finally landed the new job.

The new job has been pretty good the first year learning a lot and finally in a position where I am learning and getting experienced in areas that will help me take that next step in my career. It’s also a position that has allowed me to tap back into those analytical skills that my ADD can get immersed in. All in all it’s been a great move for me.

Beyond that life has brought the usual peaks and valleys. Covid we thought was going to be a challenge with the both of us working from home for over a year and a half but we survived and were able to not drive each other nuts. All in all our marriage couldn’t be stronger all things considered with what we went through and where we where 5-6+ years ago when it almost ended.

One of the joys we both have in our life is Rupert. He’s definitely the second child so to speak where he couldn’t be more different than Lila. While she was always laid back but also really sweet, Rupert is everyone’s best friend and gets extremely excited when we go to the park, go to visit my in laws or go on what we now call “Houndcation” where we go away typically to a beach where he goes mental. Though he is 8 years old now he acts like he’s 3 also believing that he is a 75lb lap dog.

I don’t really think that much about infertility anymore or being childless. Sure every now and then it pops up and there could be things on the horizon that bring those feelings back but I no longer live in fear of them. I have evolved to just live life and have no expectations as to what is next.

In the last 2 years I’ve done two podcasts/interviews with infertility/adoption authors/podcasters which were both great experiences though I think I’m better able to reflect on my experience and how things evolved with a clear head and acknowledge things I couldn’t back then. I remember one person I connected with who ended up childless after infertility reassured me that things would get better. At the time it bothered me as I knew it would but felt like if I acknowledged that it would that it would downplay what I was going through in the moment. But she was right that it would get better it just took a long time to get to that point. It took work, time and support from many outlets that got me to where I am today.

Anyways enough rambling this is where things are at today over 10 years since my first diagnosis. Life isn’t what I thought it would be not even close to what I would thought it would be and how we’d end up. But we’ve managed to make the best of what is. Because at the end of the day there really was no other choice you either adapt to what life is or you die. I adapted as best I could and continue to evolve as best I can.

I hope everyone is healthy and well. Sending strength and my best to those of you still following and/or stopping by.

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Taking a Big Step Forward

One of the challenges infertile couples and individuals face is being surrounded by people they know who either get pregnant or have babies. Since our diagnosis last year there have been two people we know that have gotten pregnant and given birth to their first child. One was someone I grew up with and the other is a friend I used to work with. I’ve written about this friend before. Most recently was back in November when I came out to her about our infertility.

Let me give you all some background on my relationship with her. I worked with her for almost two years. People talk about how they have work wives/husbands describing relationships they have with co-workers they are close with. For me she was my work sister. The reason I say that is that I worked under her on all of her accounts and she was a mentor to me. I learned so much from working with her. Professionally I have the utmost respect for her. I would recommend her for any job because I know she would excel no matter where she worked. I do have some guilt for not telling her when I was leaving that company but I couldn’t with the position she was in at the time. No matter what she had said, I was going to take the job offer I had. I think she knew and understood it too. She ended up leaving that company four months later. Two years after that decision, I don’t regret that decision one bit because the job I have now has finally given me the opportunity to advance my career that I had been looking for. Personally we are good friends. K (my wife) gets along with her and I get along with her husband. They are just great people to know and be friends with.

Anyways back to the point of this post. As I wrote in November, she gave birth to her son in mid September. Last night we texted back and forth about a former co-worker. We got into how each of our families were doing. She sent me a picture of her son who is adorable. The picture didn’t upset me as much as it would have a year ago or even six months ago. Then she asked about how we were doing and I opened up a bit more admitting that I spent 7 months in therapy last year. She was very empathetic. At the end of the conversation she invited my wife and I to visit them sometime in February. Back in November we talked about getting some of our co workers together for a happy hour. Getting all of them together is near impossible, plus her and her husband had dinner up here at our house almost two years ago and we owe it to them to visit.

K thinks it’s a great idea as she said she would like to “squish the monkey” (their son is adorable). I think it’s a great opportunity for me to take the next step in my infertility coping process. I need to confront my sadness head on if K and I are ever able to pursue some type of parenthood. There is no way I could ever be an effective secure parent if I never can manage my sadness. Plus it would be great to see them. It’s been too long since we’ve seen them.

Six months ago, heck even three months ago I don’t think I’d ever think of taking this step. If the visit ends up triggering sadness and grief, so be it. But I’m not going to know unless I try. Having K there with me will help, knowing that I am never going at this alone. We are in this together forever. I am looking forward to taking this big step forward in learning to cope with the grief that infertility has had on my life. I have in other choice here. I have to work through this and not let it consume my life.

Difficult writing

Over the last few weeks I’ve experienced a bunch of things that are highly emotional. They aren’t necessarily bad things just things that in the long run will provide benefit. In the last two weeks I’ve had two experiences that have made me extremely sad and hurt but at the same time relieved and happy. The hard part is that it wouldn’t be right if I shared it because in order to explain it I would have to explain things that aren’t mine to share. The question is there a way to share some version of it where I would feel right sharing it? I don’t know. It may just be that something’s are better not shared no matter how important they are to your story.