Keeping things in perspective

Since my diagnosis eight months ago my focus has been on what isn’t in my life. The focus has been on what I thought my life would be at the age of 33. I thought I would be married, have a steady job, a home and children. How I got there I wasn’t sure but those were all things that I was going to work towards. But life takes its unexpected turns and that last item isn’t.

That is the one thing I thought was the given in my life. I mean being able to conceive is pretty simple right? As I have learned that isn’t the case. There are many people out there that have learned that. I’ve connected with some of these people on the web in the last right months. One woman I connected with is dealing with IF and failed adoption placements. In dealing with IF I get the pain that she is going through on that end. I can’t imagine what it’s like to add in the failed adoption placements. I understand that it’s a risk couples take when pursuing adoption but that doesn’t make it any easier. I’ve been able to learn a lot from my interactions with her but my most valuable lesson I learned was that I need to recognize everything that I do have.

Earlier this morning I found out that this woman’s husband died suddenly at the age of 45. With everything this poor woman has been through to take away her loving partner is more than unfair it is downright Fn heartbreaking. I feel so awful for this poor woman. No human being deserves to have to deal with the trauma that she has been through. Although I am not a religious person my thoughts and prayers are with her and her family.

This has got me thinking about putting my life in perspective. My parents were told at the age of 3 that I wouldn’t be able to function in a regular classroom. Despite that I managed to graduate college with a degree from a good college in four years. I have been able to establish a good solid stable career. My current job has me playing a significant role in a National company. By some stroke of luck I managed to meet an amazing person in college who became my wife and my best friend. We have a nice house and live a very comfortable life. We’ve traveled to Europe and other parts of the US. We have a sweet dog that makes us both laugh and smile.

When you put all that in perspective I have a lot to be grateful for. While it sucks that what isn’t, it could be a lot worse. There are those in the world dealing with far worse especially others dealing with IF. I would not trade my wife for the ability to conceive a child. There are other things I would trade for that ability but not that.

Despite being grateful for what I do have, that doesn’t mean I don’t hurt about my IF because I always will hurt to some degree. But I still have accomplished more in my life than I give myself credit for when I put it all into perspective. I’m not sure what the future holds and whether what isn’t will be in some alternate way one day. What I do know is that there are things that will exist in my life that have fulfilled me.

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Emotional Triggers

Anyone who has to deal with some type of loss has certain things that trigger painful reminders of that loss. Anniversaries can be triggering for a widow or widower who has lost their spouse. For me these last eight months there have been many emotional triggers of my infertility. From finding out friends or their wives are pregnant to conversations about other people’s children to seeing pictures of other families with young children they have all been reminders of what isn’t.

I’ve gotten better about letting these triggers bring me down for too long. However, they still impact my day to day life. Back in May after a vacation that helped me clear my mind of IF grief I learned that these triggers have a powerful impact on my state of mind. Within a 24 hour period I found out that someone I grew up withs wife was pregnant and that someone I used to work with was pregnant. These triggers reminded me that both of these couples would experience things that my wife and I won’t. They will experience a pregnancy and birth of their child together. They will experience parenthood something I am now doubting my wife and I will ever experience. It makes me sad and guilty that its my body that is the reason why we won’t experience that.

My most recent triggers in the last week include my wife telling me she had given the ovulation kit she bought when we were trying to get her pregnancy to someone and found out that they had gotten pregnant. That was another reminder that couple was able to do what we aren’t. It’s because of my body that’s the case. Just last night at a family gathering hearing relatives talk about their children and the holidays triggered thoughts they have experiences that we won’t. To be honest right now I want to avoid holiday gatherings with young children. All of my relatives are aware of our situation and I’m sure they understand. But it doesn’t make it easier or change the situation.

I’m continuing to work on coping with these emotional triggers be it with exercise, keeping myself busy or just telling myself things in life happen for a reason and things will get better. These triggers will be with me the rest of my life. But I can’t let them control me and bring me down. I can’t let them take away things that do exist for me even though they remind me of what isn’t.