Last night was my last appointment with my therapist. To a certain extent I’m sad that she is leaving the practice. For the last seven months I looked forward to my weekly appointments. It was the place I went to feel normal again. The place where I recognized that I wasn’t crazy. The place where I learned that infertility will be with me until I die. And most importantly it was the place where I grew as a person.
Since I found out that my therapist was leaving her practice, I wasn’t sure how I was going to proceed. I wasn’t sure whether I should just find another therapist one that specializes in infertility (which is rare) or just a behaviorist. I wasn’t sure if I should look in a different direction either. What I have decided is that I am not going to look for another therapist in the short term and take it day by day.
My reasoning is that I want to see if I can manage things myself and apply what I’ve learned in therapy to continue to work with this. Plus my wife and I are still not sure how we are going to proceed. We may pursue adoption. We may by default continue to live a childless lifestyle. I don’t know what the future holds short or long term. There are some things we need to figure out before we make our decision whatever that may be.
One thing my therapist said to me last night that stuck out to me is that she doesn’t want me to hold back and not dream of being a parent. I shouldn’t hold back on the dreams of our child learning how to cook with my wife or holidays and seeing the joy in their face or being for them when they are hurting or being an ear when they need someone to listen to them. I need to hold onto that dream until it is a lock that its not going to happen. It is what can help keep me going until things are figured out.
While I can’t mention her name I cannot thank my therapist enough for what she was able to guide me through these last seven months. I am not sure where I would be without the therapy. Although I still have a lot of work to do in many areas, I’m ready to move forward working towards something. I just don’t know what that is right now. It’s scary but all I can do is take it day by day and let the chips fall as they may.