The Need for Hope and Believing

This is another one of my posts that is going to be hypocritical based upon what I’ve written in the past. Back in December I wrote a piece on “Hope” and “Not Giving Up”. The argument that I made is that we shouldn’t tell each other to have hope and to never give up because it can set a person up for disappointment because there is no guarantee things will work out.

Fast forward almost three months. The decision to not pursue adoption was made. The idea of moving forward childless/free was explored. Then finally I have begun to think about exploring something I didn’t do two years ago in going back for a second opinion and possible biopsy to see if there is any sperm hidden in my boys. In the middle of all of this I had to stop running and go to Physical Therapy as my calf and Achilles’ tendon didn’t get any better plus my back started acting up again. And I found out the last of my childless college friends wife is pregnant leaving me as the only one in the group not a member of the “Dad Club”.

In that three months despite dealing with all of that my perspective on hope has changed. I’m more hopeful that things will work out in some way. Not being hopeful wasn’t getting me anywhere. It was just leaving me empty. I wasn’t ok and I’m still not ok. But I’m hopeful I will eventually be ok. I’m not sure what that ok will look like but it will be ok. I’m hopeful that ok ends with K & I becoming parents together. What’s helped me and what I need from my support system is that continued encouragement of hope and belief.

I think we all need hope that things will work out. Maybe that hope won’t lead to me becoming a parent. Even if we are down, yes feelings should be recognized and not dismissed. It’s justified to feel down and hopeless when things are not going well. Infertility is not easy to go through. It’s one of the most difficult things a married couple could face besides separation and divorce.

In addition to support and recognition of feelings each of us needs others around us to encourage and support us. We need to have hope for each other to help us believe that we can do this. Everyone needs hope that things will work out. Because if you don’t have hope or believe what exactly do you have?

In the words of Tug McGraw “Ya Gotta Believe!”

Tug McGraw

17 thoughts on “The Need for Hope and Believing

  1. My Perfect Breakdown

    I adore this, because I firmly believe in hope. For me, a life without hope is not a life I want to lead, it simply is too dark and depressing. When I talk about hope, I’m not talking about some sort of a rare miracle, what I mean is a hope that tomorrow will be better then today. And as you say “Iā€™m hopeful I will eventually be ok” and “we all need hope that things will work out.”
    Love to you, and I am hoping for you every step of the way!

  2. Angela Bergmann

    I see a huge difference between having hope for yourself, and essentially being repeatedly told to have hope, don’t give up, etc by those around you. People can be supportive, without being dicks in your dark moments. I still firmly believe that telling someone immediately after a failure of sorts to never give up is blaming the victim. There are so many other supportive things that can and should be said, but instead you receive a canned “have hope” or “never give up” or even a one two punch of both. So I don’t think you are a hypocrite, I simply think you have come around to the idea that having hope personally is okay.

    I will say I personally don’t believe in hope. Hope to me is intrinsically linked to magical thinking and I just refuse to go there. All the “hope” in the world isn’t going to change the direction things take, only I can. But that’s me.

    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      It depends what you have hope in. If you are hoping that you are definitely going to have a baby, yeah I can agree that’s a bit magical thinking. But if it’s I have hope that things will work out in the end then I don’t think you are being unrealistic.

      I guess what I’m learning is that hope helps you enjoy the journey rather than just being miserable all the time.

      1. Angela Bergmann

        That’s basically my point. It is one thing to have hope for yourself, in whatever path you are taking, but it’s another thing to be pelted with it by outsiders. If that makes sense? I am anti-telling people to just have hope, don’t give up, it will work, etc. I am not anti-personally having hope or having hope but keeping it to yourself. There are so very many ways to be supportive without repeating things that just don’t have any meaning at this point.

    2. The EcoFeminist

      Hell yeah. You know the best thing that happened when our IVF cycle didn’t work? I got flowers from my mother-in-law with just “thinking of you, hugs”. None of that “never give up” or “it’ll work next time” blah blah blah, just love and support. The word “hope” can be interpreted in so many ways, which is partly the problem. I prefer “Expect the best, plan for the worst, and prepare to be surprised.” I don’t think hope is the opposite of misery, as some imply, it’s just often unrealistic, and so being open to anything and any way of going through life that is good for yourself, that’s rad. šŸ™‚

  3. clwalchevill

    I 100% agree. The whole “never give up” mentality can be destructive when it is used to keep someone on a path that is a continual source of pain. But overall, I believe that we can all find a way to happiness at the end of this journey. It’s always hard to think that way when we’re in the thick of it, but it is possible.

    There has been a lot of change for you and K these past few months. All of it challenging and scary. But I’m reading and cheering you on. It takes an incredibly brave person to go through all of this. And I believe that you both will do more than simply survive this. Keep letting us know how we can support you.

    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      Definitely I think we all can find happiness in some way at the end of the day. It doesn’t mean that their wont be challenges along the way. Even with a child it doesn’t mean there won’t be challenges.

      Doing what you are doing is all that you all can do for me. I’m forever grateful and appreciative of it. šŸ™‚

  4. Mali

    I think your December post still stands, and this post isn’t contradictory at all. The only thing that has changed since then is your decision to investigate another avenue, and you are hopeful that this will deliver what you want. Which is perfectly natural, and completely different from someone else chastising you to “have hope” or “never give up” when there is nothing behind their statement except discomfort and (perhaps) judgement.

    I think hope is a wonderful thing. During my last IVF cycle, I still had hope. I’m glad I had hope, because it made those weeks before and during go easier. The devastation when it didn’t work was going to be strong regardless of how I had felt earlier. I didn’t feel foolish for hoping. It was in fact a form of self-protection. Now of course, and for many years now since my IF journey ended, I have hope for different things. There is a gap between those two times of hope, though, and I think that’s where you were when you said “not being hopeful wasn’t getting (me) anywhere.” Not at the time – but I believe that you would have developed hope for something knew. No matter what happens, I think you’ll be okay. Because you’ll either get what you wanted, or you’ll find hope for something different. That’s what makes life good.

  5. Kitten

    “But Iā€™m hopeful I will eventually be ok. Iā€™m not sure what that ok will look like but it will be ok.” This. Exactly. I’ve known for a long time that you will be okay in the end, whatever happens, but I’m glad you’re finally starting to know that, too.

  6. kiftsgate

    I dont find this post hypocritical. I think it’s just a demonstration of how we are all different and need different things. and how even the same person may go through different phases.. hope this hopeful phase will help! xx


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