Well here I am just two days before my urologist appointment seeking a second opinion 27 months after my first opinion. It’s a place I never thought I’d go back to but things have changed. The options for becoming parents has shrunk. This is the last and only shot to become a parent unless something changes.
The last few months have been awful personally for me. The last few weeks have been extremely stressful. The appointment is a big part of it but there are so many other parts of my life it impacts that makes it very complicated. To say I’m scared is an understatement. I’m scared of the fall out if nothing can be done and where I go from here. I’m scared of going through more testing. And I’m really scared of having to go through a biopsy.
It’s really hard for me to see the happy ending coming out of this. With how down I am on myself I don’t see myself being able to get through this. Last Monday I almost had a panic attack at work and I’m worried it won’t be the last time in the upcoming days, weeks and months. The truth is I am in panic mode about the course of my life and where it’s heading especially with turning 35 next month. Never did I think that at 35 my life would lack suck direction and feel like it has no purpose.
I really hope this appointment provides more clarity but it’s most likely going to become more complicated and unclear. If I’m told that further tests are needed then it’s complicated and unclear on that end. If I’m told that there’s nothing that can be done it becomes more complicated on what to do next. It’s the panic before the storm.