The Calm (Panic) before the Storm

Well here I am just two days before my urologist appointment seeking a second opinion 27 months after my first opinion.  It’s a place I never thought I’d go back to but things have changed.   The options for becoming parents has shrunk.  This is the last and only shot to become a parent unless something changes.

The last few months have been awful personally for me.  The last few weeks have been extremely stressful.  The appointment is a big part of it but there are so many other parts of my life it impacts that makes it very complicated.  To say I’m scared is an understatement.  I’m scared of the fall out if nothing can be done and where I go from here.  I’m scared of going through more testing.  And I’m really scared of having to go through a biopsy.

It’s really hard for me to see the happy ending coming out of this.  With how down I am on myself I don’t see myself being able to get through this.  Last Monday I almost had a panic attack at work and I’m worried it won’t be the last time in the upcoming days, weeks and months.  The truth is I am in panic mode about the course of my life and where it’s heading especially with turning 35 next month.  Never did I think that at 35 my life would lack suck direction and feel like it has no purpose.

I really hope this appointment provides more clarity but it’s most likely going to become more complicated and unclear.  If I’m told that further tests are needed then it’s complicated and unclear on that end.  If I’m told that there’s nothing that can be done it becomes more complicated on what to do next.  It’s the panic before the storm.


21 thoughts on “The Calm (Panic) before the Storm

  1. Lauren

    I hear you. Limbo is a terrible place to be. I hope you get good news. I hope you have a clear path forward to fatherhood. You deserve it.

  2. My Perfect Breakdown

    I always hated the anxiety that comes before a big appointment – honestly, I hadn’t even thought about how much that sucked until I read your post. I often felt like a different person the day before an appointment with our RE because I always knew it was going to be bad news. Anyways, I know there is nothing that will “fix” your anxiety right now, but I do recommend remembering to breath, slowly and deliberately. It always helps me and became a survival technique for me when I was seeing our RE. I’m hoping you get some good news!!

  3. Mary

    Hey Kiddo (I can say that because I am old)…You can do this!!! I’m sure it is terrifying, but you need to know and it will bring peace. I don’t know if you remember me… I was conceived by donor insemination and didn’t find that out until I was 40 and both of my parents had passed. I have been searching for answers for 17 years. Today, I had lunch with my paternal aunt and cousin. It was so scary! They gave me pictures, shared stories, and gave me lots of hugs. I now have my first picture of my bio father! It is surreal. Don’t give up hope. I didn’t and I feel more whole than I ever have. I also feel more compassion for my dad, the man who loved me, raised me, paid for college. You will make a great father no matter how it comes to pass.

  4. Maybe Baby

    I completely understand the anxiety before big appointments. I wish you the best of luck! My husband was diagnosed with azoospermia last July and we are actually starting our first IVF cycle with ICSI on May 22nd using my husband’s sperm. There can be hope! I understand how dire those original SA results are and how devastating it can be. I was the one that had to tell him he had zero sperm. Obviously I have a different perspective being the wife, but I went through the depression and the pain with him and had to watch him spiral down into a deep dark place and there wasn’t a thing I could do to stop it or to help. It’s amazing what difference a good and knowledgable urologist can do. We waited two months to see Dr. Shep who is the best male factor infertility urologist in our region. While the initial appointment left us confused and in a darker place, wondering where to go and what to do with the tests and options he presented us…we decided to follow his exact recommendations (ignoring all other options) and we will hopefully have a successful IVF cycle and a bouncing baby in February. Please keep your head up. Good luck! We will be praying for you.

  5. Mali

    I wish you all the luck in the world.

    But know that if you don’t get the result you wanted, I would estimate that even if at 35 you feel your life lacks direction and has no purpose, at 36 or 37 you won’t feel that way. It’s hard to see direction and purpose when you’re so very focused on just one result. Let’s hope you don’t have to. But it is possible.

  6. julieann081

    I wish I had some magical words to say that would make you feel better, but I don’t. I’m thinking of you and wishing you peace and calm and a good outcome at your appointment.

  7. kiftsgate

    I agree with you that things may just get more complicated after the appointment. But I still hope there’ll be a chance for you. Best of luck!!


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