Game Over

This is a post I never wanted to have to write.  Back in January when the decision was made to seek a second opinion beneath the hurt was a lot of optimism that there could be a chance that things would work out.  Despite the negative tone of this blog overall prior to infertility I was a dreamer always believing that things would work out.  In this case I thought things would work out.  I really believed that the small chance there was that beneath the Y Chromosome microdeletions was some viable sperm that could be used to produce a pregnancy.

First let me say that last Tuesday marked the three week period of when I was supposed to receive my results I had not received a call by.  It took half a dozen voice mails to the nurse and playing phone tag with their office to even get the results.  I now know what a lot of you go through and definitely empathize what it’s like to deal with medical facility frustrations.  But that was easy compared to the fallout of when I finally received the call with my test results.

I am devastated to say this past Friday I received a call from the lab that the Y Chromosome microdeletions I have in the AZFb and AZFc are complete deletions.  Basically worst case scenario with not even the slightest possibility that TESE surgery could extract some sperm.

The “game” of infertility is over.  I will never be the biological father of any child.  It’s left me feeling back to the way I felt two January’s ago which is numb and hopeless.  I had actually been doing well the previous three weeks in waiting taking things day by day.  To a certain extent I didn’t want to receive the results.  I wanted to ignore what was going on and enjoy each day.

My half marathon two weeks ago given the circumstance of the heat and humidity of the race went really well.  It was a tough race but I survived and had a good feeling coming out of it.  The Rangers came back from a 3-1 deficit against the Capitals (I had the privilege of going to Game 5 when they started their come back).  Now that feeling of taking things day by day and the good feelings I had are over.  I am back to feeling the worst feelings I had felt over the last few months and two plus years.  I am down on myself.  I’m feeling hopeless, worthless and without a purpose.  I feel like I am not worthy or good enough person to become a parent.  Add on top of it that the Rangers got eliminated from the playoffs on Friday night so my distraction is now gone (Thanks Assholes!).  My motivation to do anything beyond my running and training for my next race is gone.

I’m not sure where I am going from here.  I need to fully process this before looking forward.  I am not sure what that means for me in the infertility community and being an advocate for all of us regardless of where we are at in our journey.  In some ways I want to get out of this and just leave it behind me.  I hate how infertility has ruined my life and taken the joy I had in life.  I hate how it’s isolated me and made me want to be isolated from so many people and things that I love.  I hate the person that I’ve become.

I am waiving the white flag and letting infertility know that it has won.  It has defeated me as I feel defeated.  The game it played with me has won.  The game is over.  Where things go from here, I just don’t know.  I really don’t want to know anymore.


26 thoughts on “Game Over

  1. My Perfect Breakdown

    I am so sorry that you received the absolute worst news possible. I hope with time you can begin to heal and your self-worth will improve. Honestly, I believe you are an amazing person with so much purpose. I hope right now your perspective is clouded with this bad news, and with time you will start to see the hope you have given to so many others who also are unable to achieve their dream of biological children. By sharing your story, the bad and the good, you are helping others know they are not alone. (Please note that I respectfully say biological children specifically because I firmly believe there are other paths to parenthood that may not include biology, if you choose to walk one of those paths is ultimately up to you. I do not mean to sound pushy, I 100% respect whatever you choose with no judgement either way. But as we are choosing adoption I cannot help but think of the fork in the road that I remember staring down myself not to long ago.)
    I wish you the absolute best in the next few weeks and even months as you come to terms with this. Sending you so much love and strength.

  2. beanie

    I’m not naive enough to think that this is helpful, but: I am so sorry that you got this news. Infertility sucks and it strips is of so much. Again, I am sorry this is how things are, but I will also be sending you strength and hope.

  3. kiftsgate

    im so sorry about these bad news. this is the post I wish you never had to write. its so unfair and tough. I hope you can take time to process all this. you are a great person and don’t deserve to face this but unfortunately there’s no fairness in this “game”. sending lots of strength. xx

  4. andthewindscreamsmary

    I am so, so sorry to read this. I know nothing I say can take the pain and grief away, but please know I am thinking of you and wishing you strength during this difficult time. It’s just not fair and plain old sucks. xxx.

  5. Tracy

    Ditto to everything My perfect breakdown said. I wish there was something any of us could actually do or say to make the pain less. I am so sorry for these results.

  6. Infertility Honesty

    Dear Greg,

    I am so so sorry. This is that moment I ache to have something comforting to write but know there likely isn’t anything.

    I admire your willingness to share your good, bad and ugly, it has made me more aware of the male side of things. But I know the truth is we’d all rather be writing about something else, or hell, maybe even not writing at all. This is not what any of us dreamed of… is quite a heart impalement for us dreamers, actually.

    Such devastating news puts a question mark on everything, as you alluded to in your post. In the days that followed the end of our biological children, I kept myself quasi sane (it’s all relative, I’ll admit) by reminding myself that my job at the moment was not to know anything, it was to survive.

    XXOO Sarah (a Red Sox fan who knows all too well the heartache of game 7 losses)

  7. clwalchevill

    I wish I knew exactly what to say to help you during this time. This news is devastating and I wish I could take it away. My heart hurts from it and hearing how it has impacted you. I’m so sorry. So very sorry.

    Thinking of you and wrapping you in love.

  8. Mrs T

    I’m so sorry it came down to this. It’s a devastating blow. And I think it speaks volumes of your character that you’re thinking of the infertility community in the wake of this. Take your time. Advocacy can come later – or not. Take care of yourself, G. ❤

  9. PA Angel Momma

    Oh Greg, I’m so so sorry and heartbroken for you. I wish I could say something to make this better, but I know it won’t help. Take some time to grieve over this, as I know the “game over” feeling is completely terrifying, frustrating, and most of all, heartbreaking. I will be here to support you with wherever you decide to go from here. Again, I’m so sorry that things were the worst case scenario.

  10. Jojo

    Infertility is hell. It sucks our joy, hands us moments of false hope then crushing defeat. It is cruel, cold and soul crushing. This is so unfair. You do not deserve this, your worth is not tied to this (even though I understand why you feel this way). I hope when you emerge from the darkness and you will eventually. You realize your worth is tied to how you love those around you, how you treat strangers and friends, how you rise from defeat, how you fight for a life you are proud of. All of these things create your legacy. All of these things make you a man and all of these things are what you will be able to pass along to a child if you choose to pursue a different route. You can and will overcome this crushing blow to lead a life you are proud of and one that will eventually bring you joy. I am a long time reader and know this in my soul.

  11. Mali

    I’m really sorry that you got this news. Finding out that there is no hope is really really hard. You know I know that. So you have to give yourself time. Sometimes it even gets harder before it gets better, as you process it, and retrain your brain to think differently. You’re probably right in the middle of that just now, and I don’t envy you. It’s not a place I ever want to return to.

    What you need now is to just be gentle with yourself and K. None of this is a judgement on you, your worth as a person or as a parent. It just isn’t, even when it feels like it is. Whatever happens, you will get through this. I’m hear to listen or to talk – whatever you need. You have my email address. Right now though – don’t expect too much of yourself. Just be self-compassionate and kind. You deserve it.

  12. Arwen

    Greg, I am so sorry it came to this and I am so unbelievably mad that this is the final outcome. You do not deserve this, it’s shitty and beyond unfair. I want to echo as Mali said above this is not the universe judging you as unfit to parent. I know that’s easy for me to say and you know that I too have been there in similar emotions to you in this. I am just so angry for you.
    Take your time and rage and grieve. Try to be kind to yourself. This is NOT your fault, none of this is your fault.
    Sending you so much strength.

  13. A.

    Greg, I am so terribly sorry. I’m very attached to the biology piece too, so I can only imagine being on the receiving end of this most feared verdict. I want to echo previous comments urging self-compassion and one foot in front of the other. In time, you’ll figure out what works best for you and your wife in the long-term.

  14. Ellyn Hopes

    Greg, my heart is with both of you as you face this information. I have been reflecting on this. Your story touches me. We are talking about 10 years of my life to come to a conclusion. All I can say is I am here… I will continue to send you my prayers and thoughts…

  15. the misfit

    Infertility is bull$h!t. I’m so, so sorry. I know there is healing even from this devastation, but it is a long road, and of course it has all those ugly U-turns where we go back down the parts we had hoped to be done with. I hope you are able to find peace again soon. Those of us who have gotten to know you even from this little corner of reality know that the world is better because YOU are here, whether you are a parent or not.

  16. Justine Froelker

    Not going to sugar coat and bullshit this one: that fucking sucks and I am so sorry to read this news. I am sending you love, light, healing and prayers. There are no words that can make this loss better, you must simply sit with it and allow it to move through, even though we know it is life changing forever. I will save my other therapy talk for when you feel ready for it my friend. Please let me know if you need anything, reach out! Love, Justine

  17. Sarah J

    that pixture at the bottom of your post sums up how I would feel if I recieved similar news. It’s brave of you to seek out the answers, I’m still tiptoeing around all of the tests and medical help in hopes I won’t need much but mainly in fear that I can support/make life. Being told you’re brave at a time like this probably seems pointless but you are. Sorry your news isn’t better, hopefully you kickass in your races and you can always watch the Tigers if you need a distraction. 🙂

  18. TheStorkWhisperer

    I’m so sorry you were given this news. Take comfort in knowing that you are helping so many people by sharing your story. Even as I read your posts I find myself remembering my own previous feelings of unworthiness. I wish I had magic words for you but I don’t. From what I have read I can tell you would make a wonderful father. I hope you are able to find some
    peace, healing, and wisdom in the days ahead.

    1. gsmwc02 Post author

      I wish it felt like I was helping others and that’s my legacy. But no one remembers that type of stuff when I’m old and have no family or friends around me.


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