This is a post I never wanted to have to write. Back in January when the decision was made to seek a second opinion beneath the hurt was a lot of optimism that there could be a chance that things would work out. Despite the negative tone of this blog overall prior to infertility I was a dreamer always believing that things would work out. In this case I thought things would work out. I really believed that the small chance there was that beneath the Y Chromosome microdeletions was some viable sperm that could be used to produce a pregnancy.
First let me say that last Tuesday marked the three week period of when I was supposed to receive my results I had not received a call by. It took half a dozen voice mails to the nurse and playing phone tag with their office to even get the results. I now know what a lot of you go through and definitely empathize what it’s like to deal with medical facility frustrations. But that was easy compared to the fallout of when I finally received the call with my test results.
I am devastated to say this past Friday I received a call from the lab that the Y Chromosome microdeletions I have in the AZFb and AZFc are complete deletions. Basically worst case scenario with not even the slightest possibility that TESE surgery could extract some sperm.
The “game” of infertility is over. I will never be the biological father of any child. It’s left me feeling back to the way I felt two January’s ago which is numb and hopeless. I had actually been doing well the previous three weeks in waiting taking things day by day. To a certain extent I didn’t want to receive the results. I wanted to ignore what was going on and enjoy each day.
My half marathon two weeks ago given the circumstance of the heat and humidity of the race went really well. It was a tough race but I survived and had a good feeling coming out of it. The Rangers came back from a 3-1 deficit against the Capitals (I had the privilege of going to Game 5 when they started their come back). Now that feeling of taking things day by day and the good feelings I had are over. I am back to feeling the worst feelings I had felt over the last few months and two plus years. I am down on myself. I’m feeling hopeless, worthless and without a purpose. I feel like I am not worthy or good enough person to become a parent. Add on top of it that the Rangers got eliminated from the playoffs on Friday night so my distraction is now gone (Thanks Assholes!). My motivation to do anything beyond my running and training for my next race is gone.
I’m not sure where I am going from here. I need to fully process this before looking forward. I am not sure what that means for me in the infertility community and being an advocate for all of us regardless of where we are at in our journey. In some ways I want to get out of this and just leave it behind me. I hate how infertility has ruined my life and taken the joy I had in life. I hate how it’s isolated me and made me want to be isolated from so many people and things that I love. I hate the person that I’ve become.
I am waiving the white flag and letting infertility know that it has won. It has defeated me as I feel defeated. The game it played with me has won. The game is over. Where things go from here, I just don’t know. I really don’t want to know anymore.