Dear pro-life would be adopter…

Powerful piece for those considering pursuing adoption. It’s purpose is not to scare anyone but to educate and best prepare couples for parenting an a child who they adopted.

The adopted ones blog

By TAO

Readers know I don’t use the term ‘adopter’ lightly, and it applies only to a few out there.  I read a very disturbing post today by someone with infertility, who is pro-life and also wants to adopt.  I was ready to rebut her post, it felt good writing thoughts down, but it wouldn’t have done any good.  Instead, I decided to write this post, perhaps she’ll read it, or someone just like her.  Perhaps it will trigger reflection, perhaps not, but I’ve tried in the kindest way I know…

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6 thoughts on “Dear pro-life would be adopter…

  1. hopingonhope

    Very true. This is one of the reasons why when we were struggling with losses my husband kept telling me he would not be able to adopt. now that we have our baby, I can relate to what he said completely.
    Lovely post by the author! thank you for reblogging it.

    Reply
      1. hopingonhope

        Sure.
        I was losing baby after baby, you can imagine the mindset after have 3 back to back miscarriages with no reason, 2 of them we also saw a beautiful heartbeat. So we were on the wrong side of statistics, they say 90% of pregnancies continue after seeing a heartbeat and its very rare , I think only 2-3% to have 3 miscarriages after seeing a heartbeat. So that put us in a poor minority and I wanted to be a mom desperately. Also, I didn’t want my body to be involved which took surrogacy and IVF out of the picture and left only adoption.

        My husband was not interested in adoption and I would say we fought bitterly over it, but in the end I wanted to remain married to my husband more than I wanted a baby.

        Well, my husband always said, its not easy, he was honest and told me, he was scared on raising another’s child as his own because he was not sure if tomorrow that child failed badly in society, if it was his parenting or the genetics. he said he would always wonder if his “own” child would do the same. It takes guts and a lot of emotional intelligence to raise any child as your own, esp a child that was “taken” away at birth. Even in womb, a child has an attachment to its mom, and can feel and smell its mother. he didn’t want to be responsible for the layers of guilt and trouble adopting a baby and the teenaged issues that come along with adoption. More than anything, he said he couldn’t bear the thought that after raising a child with all he had to offer, that child would search for its genetic parents, which meant in the end it was always genes and not the sweat and blood that goes with bringing up a child. The author of the post makes you question a lot , most of them on a deeper level similar to what my husband said.
        I was in pain then and wanted quick fix, now when I think about it, I can love any child and raise any child as my own, but I don’t think I have the maturity to not differentiate between an adopted baby and my own flesh. I am not that strong and I realise that.

      2. Nara

        Hi there. I was adopted as a baby and I’m okay with it… I have blogged quite a bit about my feelings on it. I just wanted to say that it isn’t a given that someone who is adopted will search for their first family. I haven’t, and nor has my sibling who was also adopted (not blood relation). I have a partner who has. I’d say out of all the people I’ve met who were adopted, maybe half have searched and half haven’t. Of those who found their first family, none of them have replaced their (adoptive) family with their first family, although I know it can happen. But so can bio kids going to live with someone else.

        I’m not an apologist for adoption – it sometimes sounds like I might be as I don’t seem to have been as badly affected as some people. It is an imperfect solution to a sad situation and it should be a last resort – but I do think adopted people can live perfectly normal lives. Most of the people I’ve met do!

        Also re your husband’s feelings – I think they’re perfectly valid. I don’t think people should go into adoption without thinking about it and examining their conscience. That said, my dad has told me (as an adult) that he worried the same and he initially didn’t want to adopt. However once he got his head around it and they got me, I would say I am just as close to him as the bio kids, if not closer. It is how I imagine it is with your bio kid – you don’t really love them in the same way until you meet them and get to know them. I think my parents obviously can tell the difference between their bio and non bio (sounds like washing powder!) kids but they don’t act like they love us any less. I don’t feel less good in their eyes because we were adopted – I actually feel like they tried harder to have us.

        Finally, I’m very sorry to hear about your miscarriages. I had one in July where we also saw the heartbeat. It is harrowing and I can’t imagine what it must be like to have three in a row. X

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